Where's the remote?

Not the TV remote, the Life remote. Do you ever feel like everyone else is moving in fast forward and you are set on slow motion, or even pause sometimes? I do. I can't help but feel like everyone and their grandmothers are pregnant or have kids. I know this really isn't the case, but it just feels like it. And sometimes how you feel overshadows the truth. For example, Giuliana and Bill's infertility struggle. I feel like just a few weeks ago, I was watching the first episode on E! where they were just meeting with the specialist. And then all of the sudden they are on their 112th IUI. I'm exaggerating, obviously. But now I hear they are starting IVF, like yesterday. I know the shows are taped and what we see on each episode is old news really, but geez. I haven't watched the view episode yet. I give them credit for sharing their struggles with the world. I'm just jealous I guess that their journey is on the fast forward button, or is made to just LOOK like it's on fast forward. Maybe it's because they have millions of dollars and can just make that decision more lightly than the rest of us. Giuliana: "Hey honey, I'm feeling like getting IVF done next week, can you stop by the ATM and take out about 20,000 dollars?" Bill: " Sure babe, why don't I take out 40,000 and we'll hit up Cabo afterwards to de-stress from it all?" Ok, Im a jerk. Maybe I'm feeling a little bitter tonight. I like G & B, I really really do. I just wish I had their wallets I guess and their remote.

I'm nervous about a few things. I have my appt at the Ob/Gyn next month, to discuss where we go from here. Here, meaning post miscarriage sucky-ness. I don't know if I want to be aggressive and ask them to let me skip all the stuff I've already done that hasn't worked. I'm so confused. Part of me feels like I should start at the beginning. But I'm also struggling with the thought of hitting the rewind button on that life remote. Another factor that is going to play a huge part in all of this is, cost. When I was married, the Navy healthcare was basically free. And IVF was almost half the price it is in the civilian world. But you also get what you pay for sometimes. We have a lot to think about.

We definitely want to get engaged and we definitely want to get married. But we also want a jumpstart on this whole baby thing. Especially, with my IF issues and the loss of our bean has us fired up to have a child together. I can almost hear some of my readers thoughts. And they probably sound something like " Just enjoy each other. Your time to have a baby will come." So true readers, but it's just not that easy.

I guess I'm just going to have to reach deep into my patience bag and pull out some more time. And remind myself that, the beautiful family of five I might see on the street, may not have had a beautiful start. They could have struggled for years to conceive. They could have been to hell and back.

We all are living by different remotes. It's not possible for us all to live by one big univeral remote. And besides, that would be boring. I'm just looking forward to recharging the batteries in my remote and changing the channel. To something wonderful.