Last month I had a dream. I gave birth to a baby boy at 29 weeks. Amazingly, even though premature he survived. He had black hair and blue eyes. I was in a hospital bed, in a gown and holding him so close, a warm little bundle of perfection. Then at some point during the night, our baby went missing from the hospital. We searched everywhere for him, even the malls :) I was so scared and sad in the dream that we had lost him forever, that I woke up having an asthma attack. So what started out as a beautiful dream, quickly turned to a nightmare. I wanted to go back to sleep and keep dreaming to see if we found him again. The dream felt so real. It's really amazing how the mind works.
I read something in another infertility blog the other day, that really caught my attention. She said " I'm not going to let infertility define me." I really don't want infertility to define me either, but unfortunately it is. And I'm trying to work through it. It's almost impossible to lock it away somewhere. Because no matter how much you try and go about living your life in a "normal" way. IF is still there. A good IF blogger friend of mine, "M.K" we'll call her, she sent me a sweet message today regarding my blog. She just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few weeks ago, but had struggled with IF for years. And she said that even though she has a healthy baby now, the scars of IF are still there. She can't believe she actually has a live baby in her arms. So, even though IF can put you through hell, when that baby finally does arrive, it's a like a little piece of heaven is now yours. Or so I'm guessing. :)
I went over to my mom and stepdad's house this afternoon to visit. My stepbrother and his wife are expecting a little girl this summer and my mom has been so excited shopping for little girl things. She's been very sensitive to what I've been struggling with, so she tends to not talk about the baby in front of me too much. But it's honestly okay, I think I bring up the baby more than they do. Plus, I just want them to feel comfortable talking about their grandaughter who's on the way. My mom mentioned she bought the baby some outfits, and she was about to show me them and said " No, no I dont want to be insensitive." But I made her show me haha My mom and I have a an obsession with baby clothes and pretty much anything baby related. So it was fun to look through the outfits together. Thankfully, I'm able to be happy for other people and their good news. I'm so grateful for that, that I can put aside my heartbreak to share in other people's happiness. Bring on the babies, people! Now, I have more reasons to raid the Marshall's baby department. :) My mom called and left a message tonight, saying she hopes I'm ok and that she hopes I wasn't upset by seeing the baby outfits today. I have the best mom ever. Really, I do :) Maybe she was just afraid that she was gonna make the blog tonight. haha.
Tomorrow starts a new week. I can't think of a better way to start the week than by watching "The Bachelor: Women tell all." Junk tv makes me happy.
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