Sunday, February 28, 2010

Confession Sunday

I'm confessing to two things. I P.O.A.S today and yesterday I bought something for a baby that we don't have. Both, pretty silly of me. But whatever. Friday morning at work I was feeling extremely nauseous. Like the kind of nausea, that makes you go stare at the toilet for ten minutes, knowing that any minute now you could lose your breakfast. It was awful. I ended up not getting sick, but the nausea lasted for about an hour. I had been having either early preggo symptoms or pms, the last week. But the nausea Friday, made me want to POAS, just in case. "Just in case" is a big thing with me lately. I feel like last time, too much time went by without me knowing I was actually pregnant. And I was in need of progesterone help. So, now "just in case" I test a lot. So that I can get the help I need, earlier, before it's too late. Also, my asthma has been bothering me this week. I wanted to do a neb treatment, but "just in case" needed to POAS, to make sure I wasn't pregnant. The day before our miscarriage, I had seen an asthma specialist and was given two neb treatments back to back. The following day, I miscarried. I remember telling the doctor that I was really afraid to take the meds, because I was afraid I would lose the baby. So, now I POAS more often, because if there's anything I can do to help prevent a miscarriage, I'm gonna do it. I know that I can't pinpoint what actually happened and why I miscarried. But now I'm just more aware of what I'm putting in my body. Since, I got a BFN (big fat negative) I will give myself a neb treatment so I can breathe, drink coffee and maybe drink some Mountain Dew. All at the same time. Just because I can.

I went out to lunch and shopping with my mom yesterday. We had a good time, it was nice to catch up and do what we do best. Laugh, shop, eat. I bought myself a nice Mets jacket at Marshall's. I love it and can't wait until the new season starts. I also came across the cutest, tiniest Mets hat I have ever seen. It was $1.99 and there was no way I was leaving the store without it. I stood there for a minute trying to justify why I should buy the baby Mets hat. "Do I know anyone that is a Mets fan with a baby? No." "Do I want this for our future baby boy or girl to wear? Yes." A little silly I know, but I just had to have it. I'll put it away in our baby box, that holds our u/s pic, cards, and the Mets bib I surprised my honey with when I told him we were preggo. Sigh.

I'm DVR'ing Brothers & Sisters and G & B tonight. I'm not sure which one I want to watch. Or how either one will make me feel. I came across this link online, it said "Celebrity Spawn: Tracking celeb parents and their famous kids." It was a link to Celebrity Babies Superfan Blog. Yikes. It was set up just like a normal blog, but each entry was about different celebs who just had babies or celebs that are preggo. I'd rather read the IF blogs written by amazing women, anyday. ANYDAY! :)

A new week is upon us! I hope it's a good one and I hope it goes by quickly. I'm in love with Saturday. And WOW, it's March already?

"Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it
Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
Gotta live like we're dying
We only got 86 400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,
Gotta live like we're dying." ~Kris

Friday, February 26, 2010

Where's the remote?

Not the TV remote, the Life remote. Do you ever feel like everyone else is moving in fast forward and you are set on slow motion, or even pause sometimes? I do. I can't help but feel like everyone and their grandmothers are pregnant or have kids. I know this really isn't the case, but it just feels like it. And sometimes how you feel overshadows the truth. For example, Giuliana and Bill's infertility struggle. I feel like just a few weeks ago, I was watching the first episode on E! where they were just meeting with the specialist. And then all of the sudden they are on their 112th IUI. I'm exaggerating, obviously. But now I hear they are starting IVF, like yesterday. I know the shows are taped and what we see on each episode is old news really, but geez. I haven't watched the view episode yet. I give them credit for sharing their struggles with the world. I'm just jealous I guess that their journey is on the fast forward button, or is made to just LOOK like it's on fast forward. Maybe it's because they have millions of dollars and can just make that decision more lightly than the rest of us. Giuliana: "Hey honey, I'm feeling like getting IVF done next week, can you stop by the ATM and take out about 20,000 dollars?" Bill: " Sure babe, why don't I take out 40,000 and we'll hit up Cabo afterwards to de-stress from it all?" Ok, Im a jerk. Maybe I'm feeling a little bitter tonight. I like G & B, I really really do. I just wish I had their wallets I guess and their remote.

I'm nervous about a few things. I have my appt at the Ob/Gyn next month, to discuss where we go from here. Here, meaning post miscarriage sucky-ness. I don't know if I want to be aggressive and ask them to let me skip all the stuff I've already done that hasn't worked. I'm so confused. Part of me feels like I should start at the beginning. But I'm also struggling with the thought of hitting the rewind button on that life remote. Another factor that is going to play a huge part in all of this is, cost. When I was married, the Navy healthcare was basically free. And IVF was almost half the price it is in the civilian world. But you also get what you pay for sometimes. We have a lot to think about.

We definitely want to get engaged and we definitely want to get married. But we also want a jumpstart on this whole baby thing. Especially, with my IF issues and the loss of our bean has us fired up to have a child together. I can almost hear some of my readers thoughts. And they probably sound something like " Just enjoy each other. Your time to have a baby will come." So true readers, but it's just not that easy.

I guess I'm just going to have to reach deep into my patience bag and pull out some more time. And remind myself that, the beautiful family of five I might see on the street, may not have had a beautiful start. They could have struggled for years to conceive. They could have been to hell and back.

We all are living by different remotes. It's not possible for us all to live by one big univeral remote. And besides, that would be boring. I'm just looking forward to recharging the batteries in my remote and changing the channel. To something wonderful.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Point of View

My mom emailed me that she had caught the last few minutes of "The View" this morning, and that the show was all about Infertility. I'm going to watch it online this weekend, just too tired to watch it right now. I'm interested to see what "The View" ladies have to say about it. I have a feeling it was either a good discussion, or maybe the whole segment will just piss me off with ignorant comments. We shall see, what their point of view is...

One of my favorite things to do, when I'm unwinding after a busy day, is to check out what my other IF blogger friends have to say. As pathetic as it might seem, I actually get excited to find new entries show up on my blog dashboard. Who needs a good book or a magazine, when you have interesting, funny, moving, sometimes sad, blogs to read from. Blogs with different points of views at all different stages of this journey. I think we rely on each other and each entry, more than we realize. If someone hasn't blogged in days, we worry about them and hope that they are ok. If we know, they are going in for an important appt, we wish them luck. If we find out they have received sad news or a loss, we cry for them. We give support and advice, at a time when the rest of the world may not understand. I hope my computer never crashes.

We use the abbreviation "IF" which stands for "Infertility." But I think it should stand for something else too, "Incredible Females."

So, my mini yellow rose plant that I bought the other day is already starting to die. I am not a good plant person. And yes, I watered it :) I know my mothering skills will be so much better than my plant skills. I hope God isn't up there saying " Well, I mean she can't even take care of a small plant, how's she gonna hack it with a baby?" Don't worry God, I got this one covered. You just pick one from your baby patch up there and send him or her packin' to us. Please and thank you.

It feels like it's been a really long and busy week. The weather's been crazy. Looking forward to the weekend and relaxing with my love and doing some shopping with my mom.

Oh, and blogging a bit too. From my point of view.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Just a spoonful of sugar...

Helps the infertility go down. I love Mary Poppins. It's been on my brain ever since we realized one of the babies in our class can sing that song. Sometimes, I feel like Mary Poppins. Taking care of and loving other people's children. Which I love doing, but sometimes it makes me sad. Will I have any love and energy left for when my time comes to be a mom? I know that sounds silly and I'm sure I will have 10,000 times more love for my own babies, but for now I'm just drained. It would be nice to fly away with an umbrella sometimes.

So, I was reminded today of (what would have been) my BIG ultrasound. The really special one, where you find out the sex. The mom of a little girl in my class is pregnant. And is due two weeks or so, before what was to be my due date. Today, she and her husband dropped off and then were heading to the BIG ultrasound together. I felt a couple of things. Excited for them to find out the news, a tiny bit envious, and big bit sad. I just can't believe that in a few weeks, I would have been that far along. It's just brings back these questions of "Why did this have to happen to us?" Turns out they are having a boy :) I'm a little nervous as to how I'm going to feel come august.

I wonder if anyone has really tried a spoonful of sugar, when trying to get the medicine to go down.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Snowin' up in here.

I feel like I don't have much to say tonight. Well, I have a lot to say but my brain is just not wanting to put the words together. Maybe I'm having blogger block. It's snowing here. We are getting a pretty bad storm tonight and into tomorrow, possibly another one Thursday. I love the snow, and have been begging for Mr. Blizzard to swing by. I want at least one before Mrs. Spring arrives. Yeah, spring is married. And Mr. Blizzard is a bachelor. See what happens when I get blogger block? I start making up weird things. The snow is so pretty, but the ride home was awful and I'm pretty sure the ride to work in the morning will be death-by-snow like conditons. Great.

My poor honey is out shoveling his mom's driveway and then his grandpa's driveway. What a good man. When he gets back we are going to veg out to some American Idol.

Since, I don't have anything interesting to say. Take a visit to this site

It's a infertility blog, with some really funny stuff about IF :)

I'm always down for a good laugh. This page was extra hilarious, with the banana bread comment.

Does anyone know how to center the blog title and description? I've tried everything and it wont work. I'm getting all Type A about it. I need it to be centered! :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Valued Family

That is the title of last night's Brothers & Sisters episode. I am a giant open wound. Healing but still pretty sore. And TV lately has been wonderful at pouring salt in. Brothers & Sisters is one of my favorite shows, maybe even THE favorite. For those of you who watch it, know that Justin & Rebecca had a miscarriage. I know they are just acting, but wow, the pain was so raw, so real. I felt every emotion with them. We were out of tissues, so I had a roll of toilet paper with me through the rest of the show...

Even though it's hard to watch, I'm glad the TV world has been touching on this stuff. It's bringing more awareness to the world of infertility and what so many women and men go through. I write in this blog for two reasons. Actually, three. One, it's theraputic for me to write/vent about my experiences and feelings on IF. Two, I want to help in raising IF awareness. And three, I want to document my journey so that when I have that little baby in my arms someday, I can see how far I've come. I've invited some of my family and friends to share in my blog. In a way it makes me feel naked, because my struggles are on here for everyone to see. But in a way it's also freeing. This is what I'm going through, and this is my space to put down on paper (well, screen)my feelings. Of course, sometimes I feel weird that people reading may think
"Stop whining about fertility already." Or " It's just a baby, go live your life" or my favorite " Just relax, it will happen." If anyone feels any of things, I respectfully ask that you stop reading my blog. Because there are going to be a lot of posts on here that may seem negative, but it's just me feeling what I'm feeling. I have to say a big thank you to everyone who has sent me such sweet messages in the past few days. The love and support is just overwhelming :)

I bought a mini rose plant today for the house. Yellow roses. To honor all my friendships, old and new, near and far, the fertile and the infertile...

Now to the important stuff: Watching that ho, Roslyn, lie on the Bachelor. Maybe I'll eat some oreos too.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I need a Dream Catcher-thingie...

Last month I had a dream. I gave birth to a baby boy at 29 weeks. Amazingly, even though premature he survived. He had black hair and blue eyes. I was in a hospital bed, in a gown and holding him so close, a warm little bundle of perfection. Then at some point during the night, our baby went missing from the hospital. We searched everywhere for him, even the malls :) I was so scared and sad in the dream that we had lost him forever, that I woke up having an asthma attack. So what started out as a beautiful dream, quickly turned to a nightmare. I wanted to go back to sleep and keep dreaming to see if we found him again. The dream felt so real. It's really amazing how the mind works.

I read something in another infertility blog the other day, that really caught my attention. She said " I'm not going to let infertility define me." I really don't want infertility to define me either, but unfortunately it is. And I'm trying to work through it. It's almost impossible to lock it away somewhere. Because no matter how much you try and go about living your life in a "normal" way. IF is still there. A good IF blogger friend of mine, "M.K" we'll call her, she sent me a sweet message today regarding my blog. She just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few weeks ago, but had struggled with IF for years. And she said that even though she has a healthy baby now, the scars of IF are still there. She can't believe she actually has a live baby in her arms. So, even though IF can put you through hell, when that baby finally does arrive, it's a like a little piece of heaven is now yours. Or so I'm guessing. :)

I went over to my mom and stepdad's house this afternoon to visit. My stepbrother and his wife are expecting a little girl this summer and my mom has been so excited shopping for little girl things. She's been very sensitive to what I've been struggling with, so she tends to not talk about the baby in front of me too much. But it's honestly okay, I think I bring up the baby more than they do. Plus, I just want them to feel comfortable talking about their grandaughter who's on the way. My mom mentioned she bought the baby some outfits, and she was about to show me them and said " No, no I dont want to be insensitive." But I made her show me haha My mom and I have a an obsession with baby clothes and pretty much anything baby related. So it was fun to look through the outfits together. Thankfully, I'm able to be happy for other people and their good news. I'm so grateful for that, that I can put aside my heartbreak to share in other people's happiness. Bring on the babies, people! Now, I have more reasons to raid the Marshall's baby department. :) My mom called and left a message tonight, saying she hopes I'm ok and that she hopes I wasn't upset by seeing the baby outfits today. I have the best mom ever. Really, I do :) Maybe she was just afraid that she was gonna make the blog tonight. haha.

Tomorrow starts a new week. I can't think of a better way to start the week than by watching "The Bachelor: Women tell all." Junk tv makes me happy.

Oh, Facebook.

Lately, I've been feeling like the universe is trying to tell me something. It seems like every time I turn around, there's something "baby" related in my face. Or maybe it's been like that all along, and I'm just starting to notice it now with everything that's happened. I don't know. For example, the other night while I was losing brain cells on Facebook, I did one of those stupid "What will happen to you in 2010?" quiz things. I don't really take the answers seriously, but it's just fun to mess around with. So, I took this quiz and it said to please wait while they predict the answer. And I sat there for a good 4 minutes or so, like a little obedient Facebook-er. The suspense was killing me. Well, not really but I was a little concerned as to why it was taking so long. Then there it was, in my face, "We predict a pregnancy/baby for you in 2010." Hmmmmm. Even though, I don't take these quiz results seriously, this result made my heart flutter a little. Ridiculous, I know. It's just Facebook for crying out loud. No need to convince myself that there's a psychic with a crystal ball behind the screen. But it did get me thinking. They make you answer a few questions, obviously trying to determine if you are single or married, etc. And I assume that's how they come up with your result. But you would think that if I said I was not married, they would have given me a reult of "You will be married in 2010" something along those lines. And if I had said I was married, then they would have maybe given me a "baby in 2010" result. I am not married, so it's a little weird and magical to me that they gave me the "Pregnancy/Baby" result. That's right...I said magical. :) I know I'm thinking into it too much! But it's just interesting.

There's something else that has had me weirded out a bit, in regards to the "universe talking to me" business. In my class this year, we have a set of twin girls. They are the cutest things ever. Well, when the new school year started and I met the twins and their mom. The IF girl in me, wondered right away if they were conceived through fertility treatments. Of course, I would never ask, but I ended up figuring it out anyways. Another little girl in my class, her mom is a nurse at an IVF clinic around here. And it turns out they know each other, the twins mom and the IVF nurse mom. So I just put two and two together. Luckily, both these women are super nice, so I have a feeling someday I will asking them for some direction and advice. It's just funny though, that in the whole center, I get the twins and the little girl of the IVF nurse who probably helped in conceving those twin girls.

My honey and I watched some movies tonight. "Couples Retreat" and "The Time Traveler's Wife." Good movies, but stung a little at times. In "Couples Retreat" one couple are struggling with IF. And in "The Time Traveler's Wife", miscarriages galore. Nice. It's tough for me when I'm watching a movie and stuff like that comes up. I physically feel this twinge in my heart. One movie that I love though, is "Baby Mama." It's hilarious and even though touches on IF, it's lighthearted and makes me laugh so hard. Laughter is the best medicine. Plus, "Baby Mama" has a happy ending :)

I should try and get to bed. I've gotten into this habit of purposely staying up crazy late, just to make the weekend last longer. If that makes any sense.

Goodnight universe. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about the dream/nightmare I had a few weeks ago...

Friday, February 19, 2010

I think I might have a stalker...

And it's Nancy the Nurse. No, she's not really a stalker and it's probably rude of me to even say that. But it's one of the many things that keep reminding me of the miscarriage. Things that are meant to be helpful, but just actually make it hurt more instead. The night at the hospital when we had the miscarriage, the nurse on duty told me that someone would be calling me and checking up on me. Which is very nice. And I appreciated the first Nancy the Nurse call when it happened. She had left a very nice message, and she mentioned there was no need to call back, that they were just checking in and they were so sorry for our loss. Since then I've gotten two more messages from Nancy the Nurse. Each a little different, but generally the same monologue. Then a few days ago I received a letter in the mail, inviting me to a C.A.R.E.S group for people who have lost their babies. And the letter is signed by, none other than Nancy the Nurse. Maybe she just handles all the "losses" in the hospital L & D department. Who knows. I've been thinking about attending this meeting and there was another one at Ronald McDonald House that I was close to going to also. But I didn't. Actually, a close friend of mine who also just suffered a miscarriage, she and I were thinking of going together. On a side note, that's going to be a post for another day. One post devoted to the craziness of how many of my close friends have had miscarriages also. When my favorite NP at the OB's office, said that they see 3-4 miscarriages a week in their office alone, I thought she was exaggerating. Apparently not. Anyways, back to Nancy the Nurse. So, I have been thinking about going to these meetings, I know they might help..but I know it will make me cry a lot. I'm not a fan of crying in public, I try to avoid it at all costs. But it doesn't always end up that way. I also feel a weird sort of guilt about going. I mean I know I have the right to be there, even though I miscarried early on. But I can't imagine going to the meeting and sitting next to someone who may have had to deliver their baby at 20 weeks, hold it and kiss it goodbye. That emotional pain is so scary to me, that it gives me the chills just thinking about it. So I guess I just don't feel as deserving to be there? If that makes sense.

As I read through the letter from Nancy the Nurse, I started to laugh when I read where the meeting was being held. It was being in held in the same building where I work. "So what?" you ask. Well, I'm a nursery school teacher and we are part of a hospital. It's a big center, so we have our own space in a building across from the hospital. As I was reading the letter and the directions how to get to the conference room at my work, I was laughing. Not a funny laugh, but a "I can't believe they would put these women through this" laugh. The directions on the paper read " Go through the glass doors, past the staircase, turn left at the elevator." But what it should have read was " Open the glass doors, yes the ones covered in children's artwork, go past the staircase with pictures of smiling kids all over it, turn right at the You May Never Have A Child Elevator." I know Nancy the Nurse didn't plan it this way or purposely schedule a meeting like this in an area busting with baby-ness. But that's where it is, unfortunately.

I wonder if I'll hear from Nancy the Nurse again. Maybe I will miss her once she's gone. She and I have something in common, we both work for the same hospital and we both care for the babies. She cares for the ones that are not here anymore and I care for the ones that stayed. One thing is for sure...we are both damn good at our jobs :)

My honey read my new blog posts tonight. And he got a little choked up reading "Letter to Our Baby." I love this man so much. For so many reasons, and I'm sure you'll hear why in posts to come.

I am a lucky girl.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I wish I didn't know the difference...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how differently I viewed pregnancy before the whole infertility issues hit. When you've never suffered through this or known of someone who has, pregnancy is so much less scary. And I guess that's not fair of me to say, because I know every woman has her worries when pregnant for many different reasons. But it seems like they are the lucky ones. There's two different groups of pregnant women. The ones who've never had trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. And I am so happy for these women, because I wouldn't wish IF on anyone. They are so blessed to have that comfort of not having scary and stressful thoughts, all day long. And then there's us. The ones who cry themselves to sleep, begging God to give them a baby. Or have so much anxiety when they finally do get pregnant that they can't even enjoy that they are pregnant. It's sad.
When I read through these blogs, most of the time it helps me. Just reading the stories of people who are suffering in the same way, is so comforting for me to know that I am not alone. But sometimes it honestly scares the crap out of me. I feel like I have so much struggle still ahead of me. Having trouble getting pregnant (even with fertility drugs) and then suffering a miscarriage, has been devastating enough. When I read about my fellow bloggers who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, are in debt from IVF treatments and some who still have no baby in their arms after years of medical help. It scares the crap out of me. I feel like a few years ago (when I didnt know that I had IF issues, even though I always had a feeling) I saw pregnancy as this wonderful, beautiful, easy thing that everyone got to experience. I guess I just was naive in thinking that everyone can have a kid. I honestly didn't know this IF world even existed. It's shocking, the number of women (and men) suffering with this. And I'm completely disgusted with the number of miscarriages I've been hearing about lately. It's like a reproductive underground world. Well, non-reproductive underground world, I guess.
I'm so glad I am going to start blogging again, I think it's really going to help. But it's a whole new ballgame this time around. I have hope that I didn't have before, but I also have fear that I didn't have before, too. Hope, in that I DID get pregnant. Fear, in that another baby will never come along, or if it does, will the little love stick around...

So, thank you IF blogger girls (and even my non-IF blogger buddies) for letting me back into your lives and for letting me share my story with you. It's good to be back...

Letter to Our Baby

Dear Baby,

It's been a little over two months now, and I'm still not okay. I think about you all the time. Some days I am strong, but mostly I am wishing you never had to leave us. I want you to know that those 7 days that I knew I was pregnant with you, were the happiest days of my life. You were a dream come true and we loved you more than I can even describe. My heart is broken, until you come back to us someday. We'll be waiting, sweet little bean.

Mommy and Daddy

"And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet." ~Michael Buble