Digital Dislike

So I awoke at 4am this morning having to pee like a race horse. Is that expression even true about race horses and having to pee a lot? Hmmm. Will Google later. Anyways, so I stumbled to the bathroom, half asleep and cracked open the digital tests I bought yesterday. I had a Target gift card and it was only $9.99 for two CBE digital tests, which I thought wasn't too bad. I haven't taken a digital pregnancy test in a long time, and I forgot how painful it is to actually see the words "Not Pregnant" appear. I was so sad. Today is Day 42 of my cycle and I was holding onto this sliver of hope that somehow I was actually pregnant. CBE should really come up with more creative ways to break the bad news. Instead of "Not Pregnant" it should say something like, " I'm so sorry, but it didn't happen this time. I know you would really like to throw me across the room right now, but please don't shoot the messenger. Someday I will tell you that you are pregnant. Just keep trying and hold onto hope girl." And then it should serve you a delicious hot beverage with whipped cream or something. Maybe I'll write the CBE people and have them get to work on that. I'd love to start a pregnancy test business for infertiles. Where each one is like a fortune cookie. When it's positive it says something fun and cute and when it's negative it says something encouraging. So, who wants to go into business with me??? :)




So, yeah, not pregnant. The digitals are like the mother of all pregnancy tests (besides a blood test) so I guess I have to trust that it worked correctly. I had trouble going back to sleep after that, and when I finally did I had really crazy detailed dreams.

I'm kind of bummed out today. I got slapped in the face by CBE, no sign of AF arriving soon (today is day 42!), and we are unsure of what our next step can be. I wish I planted a money tree long ago :) Then we could just go ahead with IVF. We could try to take out a loan, but honestly we are not in financial position right now where a bank would even give us a loan. Moving to this new place will loosen up some money for us, so maybe then we could work something out. But right now it just seems to out of reach. And it makes me feel really helpless and sad. This is our family we are talking about here. The most important thing ever. What I would like to do is start another injectible cycle with an IUI whenever AF shows. And then if that doesn't work, start preparing for IVF. I've mentioned it before, but I just have this feeling that IVF is the only thing that is going to work for us. Not trying to be negative, but it's just a strong feeling I have. But in reality, once AF does show, we can only afford to do another clomid cycle with trigger and IUI. And it's hard to be hopeful with that, because I've exhausted my chances with Clomid. After 8 or so tries, I think that's telling me something. But I'd rather try something than nothing.

Today kind of burst my positive energy bubble. Boo to that. My nails were looking horrific so I used a gift certificate that my mom gave me and went and got a manicure. It was so relaxing. I'm going to call and set up an appt to get my first EVER massage at this nice spa around here. My girlfriends gave me a gift certificate for it months ago and I still haven't used it. Yes, I've never had a professional massage before. It always creeped me out the thought of a stranger rubbing all over me. But now I know I NEED a massage. I carry all my stress in my shoulders and back. My body is literally telling to get a professional massage! So, I'm gonna :)

I wish my blurry eyed 4am digital experiment had turned out different. But I guess I'm just going to have to trust that this is all part of the plan.

A bigger plan.