I'm a big believer in signs. You know, those little things that the universe (or God) unveils to you just when you need them the most??
Well, my week has been full of them.
On Monday I was behind car on my way to work that had a sticker in the window that said "Got Twins?"
On Tuesday, on my lunch break I was behind a car and it's license plate read "NVRGVUP."
Today, on my way into work I was behind a car that had a bumper sticker that read " Love your kid."
I haven't been looking for "car signs." They just seem to pop up unexpectedly and make me do a double take. And just today, I was thinking that it's so strange to have this happen three days in a row. How great would it be if I were behind a car tomorrow morning that had a sticker that said " You're preggs." :)
Three other strange signs happened today too.
1) A girl I work with who I don't see or talk to very often, because we are on opposite sides of the building, stopped me today and said she had a dream about me. She said it was really strange, but in the dream I had stopped her and had a huge smile on face and I looked excited as if I were about to tell her some good news :) Another co-worker, of course believes this means I have will have some good news to share soon. Hmmmmm.
2) I heard on the radio this week that Michael Buble coming in concert to Albany. Then today a friend of mine posted on FB telling me he was coming to town, etc. His one song " Haven't Met You Yet" is my infertility theme song. It's just a feel good song for when I'm feeling down and reminds to be hopeful! As I was flipping through radio stations on the ride home, guess what song came on? :)
3) When I got home tonight I was cleaning out my purse and all of the sudden I heard a dog barking. Loudly. I thought this was strange because we live in an apt building and we're not allowed to have pets here. So I found it odd that this barking seemed to be so close. After a few minutes of the barking, I got up and peeked out the window. And what did I see? My Nole. My golden retriever that passed away in January. It took my breath away for a second. Of course, it wasn't actually Nole, but looked just like him in the back of truck across the street. I watched as the truck drove away, with the barking goldie in the back. I took this as a sign from my Nole. Still grieving his death and I miss him all the time....
So, those are all my signs that have come to me this week. I don't believe in coincidences :)
On a crappier note, today is CD 24. I ran out of OPK's and stopped testing last week. I refuse to buy more, only because if I haven't gotten a positive yet, the odds are not in my favor. Still could happen I guess, but I'm gonna relax about it and if it happens....it happens...
My appt with the RE (seeing the actual doctor) is on Friday and I'm hoping to get some good advice on what I should do next. It's also April Fools Day. Ha. AND we are supposed to get a major snow storm here Thursday into Friday morning. Lovely...
Universe, if you have a "It's your time to shine list" out there...
Please, "sign" me up :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Jackass.
Tonight I feel like a total Jackass. My mom called me a little while ago and said that she and my stepdad just went out to dinner...and how nice it was...etc...etc...
And I say " Oh just to go out? Or something special?"
IT'S THEIR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. And I completely forgot. Like a jerk. Forgetting this special occassion completely confirms that I am a mess. I never forget special occassions like this. And I mean never. And what's sad is my mom said (while laughing about it) that I'm the one they always count on to remember! And I friggin forgot! How awful. And they do so much for us...
Sarah-----> JACKASS.
Thank you, infertility for now messing with my card giving/special date remembering abilities...
In honor of my mom and step-dad. Their song...
Our Love is Here to Stay
It's very clear
Our love is here to stay
Not for a year, but ever and a day
The radio
And the telephone
And the movies that we know
May just be passing fancies and in time may go
But oh my dear
Our love is here to stay
Together we're going a long long way
In time the Rockies may crumble
Gibraltar may tumble
They're only made of clay
But our love is here to stay...
On my lunch break today, there was a car in front of me and it's license plate read...
NVRGVUP
:)
And I say " Oh just to go out? Or something special?"
IT'S THEIR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. And I completely forgot. Like a jerk. Forgetting this special occassion completely confirms that I am a mess. I never forget special occassions like this. And I mean never. And what's sad is my mom said (while laughing about it) that I'm the one they always count on to remember! And I friggin forgot! How awful. And they do so much for us...
Sarah-----> JACKASS.
Thank you, infertility for now messing with my card giving/special date remembering abilities...
In honor of my mom and step-dad. Their song...
Our Love is Here to Stay
It's very clear
Our love is here to stay
Not for a year, but ever and a day
The radio
And the telephone
And the movies that we know
May just be passing fancies and in time may go
But oh my dear
Our love is here to stay
Together we're going a long long way
In time the Rockies may crumble
Gibraltar may tumble
They're only made of clay
But our love is here to stay...
On my lunch break today, there was a car in front of me and it's license plate read...
NVRGVUP
:)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Booties
Booties, as in baby booties. So, get that song "Baby got back" out of your head :)
Please excuse this interruption as we pause for a commercial break....
If you happen to have read my last post, you might be holding your breath. Please breathe now. I'll wait...Ok, so I mentioned in my last post that I had purchased a Mega Millions lottery ticket. And that if I won I would give free infertility meds to everyone who follows my blog :) The $314 million dollar winning ticket was actually sold in Albany New York. Where. I. Live. Unfortunately, I didn't win. :( But just for the record, if I had won, I really would have mailed each and every one of you some free baby makin' drugs :)
We now return to our regularly scheduled post, already in progress...
Baby booties. Cute little things for baby feet. Which also make cute little baby shower favors. I don't know if anyone else already came up with this idea, but I'm going to go ahead and give all the credit to my Nana. She's been knitting them for baby showers since the 60's or something like that. She knits tiny baby booties in all different colors. White, pink, blue, yellow, green. Ya know, baby colors :) But she makes them tiny, not actually baby wearin' booties. And then a pair is pinned to each guest when they arrive, like a corsage. They are really cute. And you can jazz them up with "It's a girl" or "It's a boy" ribbon. I went to a baby shower today for my cousin Jenny. It was a beautiful shower and my Nana made the little booties for everyone. Here's why I'm terrified. My Nana is going to be 90 years old next January. I have a fear of her passing away soon. And I also have a fear that her only grand-daughter won't have a baby before she passes. Every time I see her she says how she's hoping and praying that we will have a baby soon. It makes me smile and it makes me sad too. It's like a race against the clock. Not only do I want a baby so badly for us, but I want my Nana to be here to share in the happiness. It also makes me sad to think that if she were to pass before that day, I wouldn't have her signature booties at my shower :( Having them made by someone else, just won't do. They have to be made by her hands and her love. So, I'm hoping that God will hurry up with my baby and slow down with taking my Nana :)
My aunt asked me at the shower today if baby showers are hard for me. I realized that once I'm there at a shower, it's good. I'm happy and having a good time. It's the hours before and after the shower that are hard. Because that's when I get sad about my loss and my infertility. Anyone else feel that way?
My cousin Jenny gave me a fertility candle today. So sweet of her! And especially sweet being that she was made to open up her bags at the airport because they were suspicious of the candle!! I'm not sure where she got the candle yet and what the instructions are (she's gonna email them to me!). But it's a tall, pretty blue candle with this goddess lady on it. Pretty soon I'm going to have this shrine to fertility on my bedside table and I'm very much okay with that! :) Every little bit helps!
Goodnight, blog world. I'll be dreaming of baby booties. For my baby shower someday...
Please excuse this interruption as we pause for a commercial break....
If you happen to have read my last post, you might be holding your breath. Please breathe now. I'll wait...Ok, so I mentioned in my last post that I had purchased a Mega Millions lottery ticket. And that if I won I would give free infertility meds to everyone who follows my blog :) The $314 million dollar winning ticket was actually sold in Albany New York. Where. I. Live. Unfortunately, I didn't win. :( But just for the record, if I had won, I really would have mailed each and every one of you some free baby makin' drugs :)
We now return to our regularly scheduled post, already in progress...
Baby booties. Cute little things for baby feet. Which also make cute little baby shower favors. I don't know if anyone else already came up with this idea, but I'm going to go ahead and give all the credit to my Nana. She's been knitting them for baby showers since the 60's or something like that. She knits tiny baby booties in all different colors. White, pink, blue, yellow, green. Ya know, baby colors :) But she makes them tiny, not actually baby wearin' booties. And then a pair is pinned to each guest when they arrive, like a corsage. They are really cute. And you can jazz them up with "It's a girl" or "It's a boy" ribbon. I went to a baby shower today for my cousin Jenny. It was a beautiful shower and my Nana made the little booties for everyone. Here's why I'm terrified. My Nana is going to be 90 years old next January. I have a fear of her passing away soon. And I also have a fear that her only grand-daughter won't have a baby before she passes. Every time I see her she says how she's hoping and praying that we will have a baby soon. It makes me smile and it makes me sad too. It's like a race against the clock. Not only do I want a baby so badly for us, but I want my Nana to be here to share in the happiness. It also makes me sad to think that if she were to pass before that day, I wouldn't have her signature booties at my shower :( Having them made by someone else, just won't do. They have to be made by her hands and her love. So, I'm hoping that God will hurry up with my baby and slow down with taking my Nana :)
My aunt asked me at the shower today if baby showers are hard for me. I realized that once I'm there at a shower, it's good. I'm happy and having a good time. It's the hours before and after the shower that are hard. Because that's when I get sad about my loss and my infertility. Anyone else feel that way?
My cousin Jenny gave me a fertility candle today. So sweet of her! And especially sweet being that she was made to open up her bags at the airport because they were suspicious of the candle!! I'm not sure where she got the candle yet and what the instructions are (she's gonna email them to me!). But it's a tall, pretty blue candle with this goddess lady on it. Pretty soon I'm going to have this shrine to fertility on my bedside table and I'm very much okay with that! :) Every little bit helps!
Goodnight, blog world. I'll be dreaming of baby booties. For my baby shower someday...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sugar Mama
I bought two Mega Millions lottery tickets today. It's at $400 million or something insane like that. One ticket I got on my own, the other is with a pool at my work.
If I win, FREE INFERTILITY MEDS for all of you who follow my blog :) And as a bonus I'll throw in a 6 night 7 day Caribbean cruise for you and your loves...
Oh how I would love to be a Sugar Mama :)
Tomorrow is Friday, girls. Bring on your weekend smile! Maybe I'll be a millionaire by Saturday.
I'll let ya know...
If I win, FREE INFERTILITY MEDS for all of you who follow my blog :) And as a bonus I'll throw in a 6 night 7 day Caribbean cruise for you and your loves...
Oh how I would love to be a Sugar Mama :)
Tomorrow is Friday, girls. Bring on your weekend smile! Maybe I'll be a millionaire by Saturday.
I'll let ya know...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Shells
A few nights ago I was reading the blog post of a lovely IF blogger. I stumbled upon her blog through ICLW week. She had written about how infertility had turned her into a shell of the person she once was. And these words really tugged at my heart. Because that's exactly what I feel like infertility has done to me. And I know I'm not alone in this. It was just the perfect description of me "now" as opposed to me "then" before IF. It's such a honest description. Not sugar coated at all. This is me. And that's ok, because I know I'll get back there (to a good place) eventually. Probably, when I have a baby in my arms. I just won't feel whole until then. Doesn't mean I don't smile and laugh and enjoy life, it just means that right now...there's more "shell" than there is Sarah...
Another lovely blogger wrote about how certain people in her life started disappearing. It's normal that people start to shy away after awhile. They get tired of all the sadness, the treatments, the anti-social behavior. I get it. I know it must be hard to be friends with someone who is down in the dumps 85% of the time. They don't know what to say or how to help so they just back off. And that's ok. Because infertility can make us anti-social and closed off. It becomes hard to focus on anything else other than making a baby. I just want to thank my family and friends who have stuck around, who have been so kind and patient with me. I promise someday soon...Sarah will be back...and better than ever. :)
Good news! I can smell and taste again!! I think I'm starting to feel a little better. Thank goodness. I was getting nervous. My mom had a brain tumor when I was in high school and she lost her sense of smell and taste. Never got it back. :( So of course the crazy in me was like " Ohhh Sh**, I have a brain tumor too." But thankfully my smeller and taste buds are working again...
Today is CD 17. Negative OPK tonight. I'm kind of worried I already ovulated or I'm not going to at all. For the most part I seem to be a late ovulator, but when I got pregnant I think I speed ovulated. Because from my calculations I got pregnant very soon after my period ended. It's all so confusing. And honestly I don't BBT. It frustrates me and seemed to cause me more stress so I stopped doing it. Guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope for two bright blue lines in the next few days. Come on ovaries, work it....
Another lovely blogger wrote about how certain people in her life started disappearing. It's normal that people start to shy away after awhile. They get tired of all the sadness, the treatments, the anti-social behavior. I get it. I know it must be hard to be friends with someone who is down in the dumps 85% of the time. They don't know what to say or how to help so they just back off. And that's ok. Because infertility can make us anti-social and closed off. It becomes hard to focus on anything else other than making a baby. I just want to thank my family and friends who have stuck around, who have been so kind and patient with me. I promise someday soon...Sarah will be back...and better than ever. :)
Good news! I can smell and taste again!! I think I'm starting to feel a little better. Thank goodness. I was getting nervous. My mom had a brain tumor when I was in high school and she lost her sense of smell and taste. Never got it back. :( So of course the crazy in me was like " Ohhh Sh**, I have a brain tumor too." But thankfully my smeller and taste buds are working again...
Today is CD 17. Negative OPK tonight. I'm kind of worried I already ovulated or I'm not going to at all. For the most part I seem to be a late ovulator, but when I got pregnant I think I speed ovulated. Because from my calculations I got pregnant very soon after my period ended. It's all so confusing. And honestly I don't BBT. It frustrates me and seemed to cause me more stress so I stopped doing it. Guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope for two bright blue lines in the next few days. Come on ovaries, work it....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tastes like chicken?
I'd like to take a minute to thank all the ICLW friends who have stopped by to comment! I was so excited about participating for the first time and now I'm being a total slacker about it. I'll have to do some major catching up this weekend when I'm hopefully feeling a lot better. But it's been great to see all the new faces :)
Last night I had to hit up the local Urgent Care. I've been feeling sick for about 9 days and finally decided it was time to get some antibiotics. After 2 1/2 hours of sitting amongst sick strangers (And right across from a couple with a sick 4 week old baby... which if that was my kid I'd be at the ER in a heartbeat rather than waiting 3 hours to get seen....but who am I to judge.) I was finally seen by the doctor. The verdict: sinus infection, upper respiratory infection and a bleb (?) on my ear drum from all the pressure. So they gave me a Z-pack and told me to pick up some sudafed. I can't really tell a difference yet with the meds, but I'm hoping to feel so much better...SOON!
One of the hardest parts of being sick like this for over a week? Not being able to taste or smell anything. This has happened before when I've been sick with a cold, where I would go a day or two without being able to smell or taste. But this has been 9 days. Not being able to smell? Sucks. But not being able to taste at all? Really sucks. I know I probably sound like a fatty, complaining that I can't taste my food. But it really does suck. I'll be honest and say that I am an emotional eater sometimes. If I'm really sad or stressed I tend to eat more. Bad thing to do, I know. But it's the truth. And not being able to taste anything makes me sort of sad. Like tonight, my lovely husband made a spaghetti dinner with salad and garlic bread. One of my favorite meals. And I couldn't taste a thing :( I think this past week I have cut down on the amount of food I've consumed simply because now I'm just eating to take away hunger...not to taste delicious-ness or fulfill some emotional void (ahem, a baby). I know this is a good thing. Less food equals less pounds. But food can be a happy part of life too...
A friend of mine sent me a link to an article about this little boy that was on The Today Show. When he was four he had come close to death because of an appendicitis scare. He told this story about how he met Jesus and described what heaven looked like. He also said he met is Grandfather and his older sister. The goosebumps part is that the sister, was a daughter the boy's parents had miscarried two years before their son was born. Now, I know some people might be thinking " Yeah OKKKKK, this kid is making this up." But honestly, I believe it. Maybe I really just want to believe it. The thought that maybe someday we will meet the child we miscarried in heaven, makes my heart happy...
The first couple days of Spring here in NY have included snow. Yup. Not really surprised, but still pretty pissed about it. Sunshine does a body (and mind) good. And we would like it back please :)
Nothing new on the bebe front. Today is CD 16. Haven't gotten a positive OPK yet. So we're just in the wait and see mode. I'm usually tardy when it comes to ovulating, so I'm hoping we'll see a positive in the next few days. Hoping as in Please-God-let-me-ovulate-on-my-own-and-create-a-beautiful-healthy-baby.
Not asking too much, right? :)
Last night I had to hit up the local Urgent Care. I've been feeling sick for about 9 days and finally decided it was time to get some antibiotics. After 2 1/2 hours of sitting amongst sick strangers (And right across from a couple with a sick 4 week old baby... which if that was my kid I'd be at the ER in a heartbeat rather than waiting 3 hours to get seen....but who am I to judge.) I was finally seen by the doctor. The verdict: sinus infection, upper respiratory infection and a bleb (?) on my ear drum from all the pressure. So they gave me a Z-pack and told me to pick up some sudafed. I can't really tell a difference yet with the meds, but I'm hoping to feel so much better...SOON!
One of the hardest parts of being sick like this for over a week? Not being able to taste or smell anything. This has happened before when I've been sick with a cold, where I would go a day or two without being able to smell or taste. But this has been 9 days. Not being able to smell? Sucks. But not being able to taste at all? Really sucks. I know I probably sound like a fatty, complaining that I can't taste my food. But it really does suck. I'll be honest and say that I am an emotional eater sometimes. If I'm really sad or stressed I tend to eat more. Bad thing to do, I know. But it's the truth. And not being able to taste anything makes me sort of sad. Like tonight, my lovely husband made a spaghetti dinner with salad and garlic bread. One of my favorite meals. And I couldn't taste a thing :( I think this past week I have cut down on the amount of food I've consumed simply because now I'm just eating to take away hunger...not to taste delicious-ness or fulfill some emotional void (ahem, a baby). I know this is a good thing. Less food equals less pounds. But food can be a happy part of life too...
A friend of mine sent me a link to an article about this little boy that was on The Today Show. When he was four he had come close to death because of an appendicitis scare. He told this story about how he met Jesus and described what heaven looked like. He also said he met is Grandfather and his older sister. The goosebumps part is that the sister, was a daughter the boy's parents had miscarried two years before their son was born. Now, I know some people might be thinking " Yeah OKKKKK, this kid is making this up." But honestly, I believe it. Maybe I really just want to believe it. The thought that maybe someday we will meet the child we miscarried in heaven, makes my heart happy...
The first couple days of Spring here in NY have included snow. Yup. Not really surprised, but still pretty pissed about it. Sunshine does a body (and mind) good. And we would like it back please :)
Nothing new on the bebe front. Today is CD 16. Haven't gotten a positive OPK yet. So we're just in the wait and see mode. I'm usually tardy when it comes to ovulating, so I'm hoping we'll see a positive in the next few days. Hoping as in Please-God-let-me-ovulate-on-my-own-and-create-a-beautiful-healthy-baby.
Not asking too much, right? :)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Gotta have faith...
...that everything will work out. May not be the "plan" I had, but I have faith that one way or another we will have a baby.
Found this quote on a very special blog :)
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
I like getting mail. I'm not referring to bills or things of that nature, but good mail. As in letters, cards or packages from friends and family. I love to send them too. It's just such a nice surprise to open the mailbox and get a rose amongst the thorns. Bill...bill...bill...package from friend containing OPKs and pregnancy tests!!...bill..bill. See what I mean? :) And I got a "rose" today! My friend mailed me a bunch of OPKs and pregnancy tests that she didn't need anymore! A win for both of us! She has her second baby on the way and I am so grateful to receive these much needed items :) I already put one to use. A negative OPK but that's okay, I think I'm a late ovulator anyways. Today is CD 12...
Still not feeling great. My ear is really bothering me, so I think I'm going to have hubby put some drops in. My friend used to work at a pediatricians office and she gave us some sample ear infection drops awhile ago. Hey-I won't say no to free drugs. :) Well, you know what I mean...
Has anyone watched "Who do you think you are?" The show where celebrities trace back their family history?? It's so interesting! And totally makes me want to find out who my ancestors are...
Found this quote on a very special blog :)
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
I like getting mail. I'm not referring to bills or things of that nature, but good mail. As in letters, cards or packages from friends and family. I love to send them too. It's just such a nice surprise to open the mailbox and get a rose amongst the thorns. Bill...bill...bill...package from friend containing OPKs and pregnancy tests!!...bill..bill. See what I mean? :) And I got a "rose" today! My friend mailed me a bunch of OPKs and pregnancy tests that she didn't need anymore! A win for both of us! She has her second baby on the way and I am so grateful to receive these much needed items :) I already put one to use. A negative OPK but that's okay, I think I'm a late ovulator anyways. Today is CD 12...
Still not feeling great. My ear is really bothering me, so I think I'm going to have hubby put some drops in. My friend used to work at a pediatricians office and she gave us some sample ear infection drops awhile ago. Hey-I won't say no to free drugs. :) Well, you know what I mean...
Has anyone watched "Who do you think you are?" The show where celebrities trace back their family history?? It's so interesting! And totally makes me want to find out who my ancestors are...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
With a little bit o luck...
I'll have a baby in my arms by next St. Patrick's Day. And that baby will be wearing the cutest little green outfit EVER.
Since I work with kids, we get into "dressing" for the holidays. It's fun. And today most of the kids wore something green. Little t-shirts that said things like"Mommy's Lucky Charm" or "Daddy's Irish Princess." They were really cute. I MUST HAVE THEM SOMEDAY. A few weeks ago one of the little girls in our class wore a shirt that said "Mommy's wish come true." Now, THAT I really must have :)
Today I made an appointment to meet with my RE. I was actually preparing myself to have to "plead my case" as to why I wanted to see him. I thought it would be difficult to get in to talk with him. But it was easy like a Sunday morning. The first available appointment was April 1st, so I took it. I feel good about it. I may bring along my mom or husband...or both. Its just nice to have the support and another set of ears. Sometimes I blank out when it's time to ask important questions. I just want advice on where to go from here. I did ask the the nurse about the IVF grant and she said it ends this month. Which is a bummer, but I want to find out about applying for next year. Because if there is funding for it next year, I want us to be ready for it...
Still feeling pretty sick. Can't breathe out of my nose and I'm 99.9% sure I have an ear infection. Thank goodness the weekend is almost here!!!
I saw this posted on FB today and I thought it was pretty funny...
"Kiss me, I'm Irish! Give me some tongue and I'm French."
Happy St. Patrick's Day :)
Since I work with kids, we get into "dressing" for the holidays. It's fun. And today most of the kids wore something green. Little t-shirts that said things like"Mommy's Lucky Charm" or "Daddy's Irish Princess." They were really cute. I MUST HAVE THEM SOMEDAY. A few weeks ago one of the little girls in our class wore a shirt that said "Mommy's wish come true." Now, THAT I really must have :)
Today I made an appointment to meet with my RE. I was actually preparing myself to have to "plead my case" as to why I wanted to see him. I thought it would be difficult to get in to talk with him. But it was easy like a Sunday morning. The first available appointment was April 1st, so I took it. I feel good about it. I may bring along my mom or husband...or both. Its just nice to have the support and another set of ears. Sometimes I blank out when it's time to ask important questions. I just want advice on where to go from here. I did ask the the nurse about the IVF grant and she said it ends this month. Which is a bummer, but I want to find out about applying for next year. Because if there is funding for it next year, I want us to be ready for it...
Still feeling pretty sick. Can't breathe out of my nose and I'm 99.9% sure I have an ear infection. Thank goodness the weekend is almost here!!!
I saw this posted on FB today and I thought it was pretty funny...
"Kiss me, I'm Irish! Give me some tongue and I'm French."
Happy St. Patrick's Day :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
So What Wednesday
Tonight I am participating in "So What Wednesday"...
So what if...
I had grilled cheese and soup for dinner. Two nights in a row.
So what if...
I throw my whites in with my color laundry.
So what if...
I have an obsession with polka dots. Put something polka-dotted in front of me and my heart beats a little faster.
So what if...
I hate talking on the phone. I think I stopped enjoying long phone conversations when I was about 14.
So what if...
I love junky magazines. Like In Touch or Us Weekly.
So what if...
I woke to the upstairs neighbors having a screaming match. With a lot of "F*** you's" being thrown around. At 7am. For a few minutes I thought we were living in the ghetto. I was trying to imagine what they could be angry about at 7 IN THE MORNING. Maybe they ran out of toilet paper. Or maybe one of them forgot to start the coffee. Just sayin...
So what if...
I sort of have a "blankie." No it's not a ratty old baby blanket and I don't suck my thumb still. It's a down throw that my mom bought me when I left for college. It's so comfy and it's been with me all years through the ups and downs. Just wrapping myself up in it makes me feel better. I don't think I'll ever get rid of it.
So what if...
If the Kohl's commercial with the baby "Daniel" turned "Danielle" makes me sad and jealous. Also, the time warner cable commercial with the preggo lady moving from room to room trying to get comfortable. Yup, jealous. They're just actors, but still jealous...
And that's all folks. My first "So What Wednesday."
Went to the GI doctor this morning. My mom came with me for an extra pair of ears. He's not convinced that I have Crohn's yet. Some labs came back showing "Crohn's like" evidence and other tests didn't. He said it'll be trial and error for awhile. Great. I have to have a small bowel series done in April and a couple more labs done. He wants me to try that over the counter Align stuff too. So we'll see. I'm starting with a new GI doctor in April anyways, so at least things will start looking up. I asked him if he knew anything about a link between endometriosis and stomach issues and he said it's definitely something to look into. I'm going to call my RE tomorrow to try and get an appt with the doctor. I need a PLAN! I like plans.
So what if...
I'm type A and always need a plan in place :)
So what if...
I had grilled cheese and soup for dinner. Two nights in a row.
So what if...
I throw my whites in with my color laundry.
So what if...
I have an obsession with polka dots. Put something polka-dotted in front of me and my heart beats a little faster.
So what if...
I hate talking on the phone. I think I stopped enjoying long phone conversations when I was about 14.
So what if...
I love junky magazines. Like In Touch or Us Weekly.
So what if...
I woke to the upstairs neighbors having a screaming match. With a lot of "F*** you's" being thrown around. At 7am. For a few minutes I thought we were living in the ghetto. I was trying to imagine what they could be angry about at 7 IN THE MORNING. Maybe they ran out of toilet paper. Or maybe one of them forgot to start the coffee. Just sayin...
So what if...
I sort of have a "blankie." No it's not a ratty old baby blanket and I don't suck my thumb still. It's a down throw that my mom bought me when I left for college. It's so comfy and it's been with me all years through the ups and downs. Just wrapping myself up in it makes me feel better. I don't think I'll ever get rid of it.
So what if...
If the Kohl's commercial with the baby "Daniel" turned "Danielle" makes me sad and jealous. Also, the time warner cable commercial with the preggo lady moving from room to room trying to get comfortable. Yup, jealous. They're just actors, but still jealous...
And that's all folks. My first "So What Wednesday."
Went to the GI doctor this morning. My mom came with me for an extra pair of ears. He's not convinced that I have Crohn's yet. Some labs came back showing "Crohn's like" evidence and other tests didn't. He said it'll be trial and error for awhile. Great. I have to have a small bowel series done in April and a couple more labs done. He wants me to try that over the counter Align stuff too. So we'll see. I'm starting with a new GI doctor in April anyways, so at least things will start looking up. I asked him if he knew anything about a link between endometriosis and stomach issues and he said it's definitely something to look into. I'm going to call my RE tomorrow to try and get an appt with the doctor. I need a PLAN! I like plans.
So what if...
I'm type A and always need a plan in place :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Not having a sense of smell is______.
Scary.
I can't breathe through my nose right now. My head cold kicked things up a bit today and I'm so miserable. But when your sense of smell is taken away, it's a bit scary! You forget how much we rely on our sense of smell. Is this food bad? Sniff, Sniff. Is the house on fire? Sniff, sniff. Did I forget deoderant? Sniff, sniff.
(I never forget deoderant btw, just added that in there for dramatic effect) :)
But really, it's scary!!! Not too mention it's made me a mouth breather the entire day. My mouth was a gaping hole at work :) Can't taste much either. But I'll take that because it's reducing my appetite, thus reducing extra pound-age.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be throwing up then to have a nasty head cold. Because it's hard to function when a mack truck has hit your face. Good news! Got an emergency appt with the GI doctor tomorrow morning. And I was able to switch to a different (and much better) dr in April. I just want to start feeling better.
I'm also going to call my RE's office and demand (yes, demand) an appt with the actual dr. He and I have some bizznus to discuss. I want to know his thoughts! And what I should do next! Surgery? More inectibles and IUIs? IVF? Take a chill pill? I just want him to tell me something. Plus, thanks to few lovely blog friends I found out that NYS offers a grant for IVF. I looked into it and it says you have to have had 4 failed IUI cycles. We only have two right now. But I wanted to talk to my RE about this too, because they are on the list of providers. Kind of exciting to think we maybe could get some help with it...
Anybody watch The Bachelor last night? Wow. I mean, wow. So disappointed with Emily! I really liked her. But I was like wth?! She was so cold and mean to Brad. I just was shocked at the whole thing. I don't think they will work out. And to be honest, I'm not sure if she really deserves him after all that. No one is perfect. But geez, I was shocked with her words last night. Ok, Bachelor rant over.
I know when I am really sick, when DayQuil pills don't do diddly. They usually help, but not today. Think this girl is heading to bed to rest her stuffy head...
I promise I will soon have a post where I am not complaining about feeling sick! Promise :)
ps-Happy Birthday to my Dad!! :)
I can't breathe through my nose right now. My head cold kicked things up a bit today and I'm so miserable. But when your sense of smell is taken away, it's a bit scary! You forget how much we rely on our sense of smell. Is this food bad? Sniff, Sniff. Is the house on fire? Sniff, sniff. Did I forget deoderant? Sniff, sniff.
(I never forget deoderant btw, just added that in there for dramatic effect) :)
But really, it's scary!!! Not too mention it's made me a mouth breather the entire day. My mouth was a gaping hole at work :) Can't taste much either. But I'll take that because it's reducing my appetite, thus reducing extra pound-age.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be throwing up then to have a nasty head cold. Because it's hard to function when a mack truck has hit your face. Good news! Got an emergency appt with the GI doctor tomorrow morning. And I was able to switch to a different (and much better) dr in April. I just want to start feeling better.
I'm also going to call my RE's office and demand (yes, demand) an appt with the actual dr. He and I have some bizznus to discuss. I want to know his thoughts! And what I should do next! Surgery? More inectibles and IUIs? IVF? Take a chill pill? I just want him to tell me something. Plus, thanks to few lovely blog friends I found out that NYS offers a grant for IVF. I looked into it and it says you have to have had 4 failed IUI cycles. We only have two right now. But I wanted to talk to my RE about this too, because they are on the list of providers. Kind of exciting to think we maybe could get some help with it...
Anybody watch The Bachelor last night? Wow. I mean, wow. So disappointed with Emily! I really liked her. But I was like wth?! She was so cold and mean to Brad. I just was shocked at the whole thing. I don't think they will work out. And to be honest, I'm not sure if she really deserves him after all that. No one is perfect. But geez, I was shocked with her words last night. Ok, Bachelor rant over.
I know when I am really sick, when DayQuil pills don't do diddly. They usually help, but not today. Think this girl is heading to bed to rest her stuffy head...
I promise I will soon have a post where I am not complaining about feeling sick! Promise :)
ps-Happy Birthday to my Dad!! :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Paging Dr. Google...
So, I'm still having pain. And it's from one of a few things...
Crohn's....
Endometriosis...
A random stomach bug...
A ruptured ovarian cyst...
Most likely it's door #1...the Crohn's...but now I'm second guessing EVERYTHING. After getting some information on Endo, I'm about 95% that I have it and that it's contributing to my stomach issues. Makes a lot of sense actually. I did some googling on a link between Crohn's and Endo and I found some pretty interesting information.
The good news is that I was able to change GI doctors. But I can't see him until April. Still trying to get an "emergency" appt with someone in the practice this week. I'm not going to wait WEEKS to get on Crohn's medication. I'm just tired of feeling sick all the time.
I think I'm going to make an appt to meet with the RE too. I realized today that I haven't seen the actual Dr in almost a year. I want to talk with him about my next steps and possibly doing a larascopy...
I felt like total crap today. My stomach is still very uncomfortable and now I have a nasty head cold. Lovely.
Right now I'm couching it, with hot tea in hand and waiting for The Bachelor. Thank God for DVR though. I might be in bed long before it's over. Go team Emily! :)
Crohn's....
Endometriosis...
A random stomach bug...
A ruptured ovarian cyst...
Most likely it's door #1...the Crohn's...but now I'm second guessing EVERYTHING. After getting some information on Endo, I'm about 95% that I have it and that it's contributing to my stomach issues. Makes a lot of sense actually. I did some googling on a link between Crohn's and Endo and I found some pretty interesting information.
The good news is that I was able to change GI doctors. But I can't see him until April. Still trying to get an "emergency" appt with someone in the practice this week. I'm not going to wait WEEKS to get on Crohn's medication. I'm just tired of feeling sick all the time.
I think I'm going to make an appt to meet with the RE too. I realized today that I haven't seen the actual Dr in almost a year. I want to talk with him about my next steps and possibly doing a larascopy...
I felt like total crap today. My stomach is still very uncomfortable and now I have a nasty head cold. Lovely.
Right now I'm couching it, with hot tea in hand and waiting for The Bachelor. Thank God for DVR though. I might be in bed long before it's over. Go team Emily! :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Hakuna Matata
Hakuna matata is a Swahili phrase that is literally translated as "There are no worries". It is sometimes translated as "no worries", although is more commonly used similarly to the American English phrase "no problem".
Last night we went on a date. Out to dinner and then to see The Lion King. My mom got us the tickets for Christmas (thanks mom!). I've seen it before but Hubby hadn't. Definitely, a feast for the eyes. And I recommend going to see it if the show comes through your city! It was just nice to get out together, since we don't have the funds to do that very often. I even wore a cute pair of high heels that I haven't worn in a long time. And it was a bad, bad idea. I almost broke my ankle. And by the time we got to our car I was in tears. I guess I'm just not used to them that high. I've never been a sensible shoe person. Last night my gut was telling me to wear shorter heels, but I didn't listen. And then a few weekends ago I wore ballet flats out in a snow storm!I think last night I learned my lesson though. A painful lesson in that comfort wins over cute...
I wish "Hakuna Matata" were words that I could live by right now. No worries, ahhhh how nice that would be. But I guess there will always be worries, even after we have a baby. Just new and different worries. That's life...
Today is one of those days where I want to stay under a blanket on the couch. Not sure why. Maybe it's the time change, maybe the weather, maybe because it's just Sunday and I'm going with the "day of rest" thing.
My thoughts have been swirling the last few days. I'm considering seeing if I can get a larascopy (sp?) done. I've heard a few success stories with that recently and I'm starting to wonder. I really do like my RE clinic, but lately I've been having this feeling of too many drugs and not enough diagnosing. I hear of all these other women having these tests done and surgeries and it makes me wonder why I haven't been tested for them as well. I strongly believe that we must have conceived since our miscarriage, but that it's just not implanting properly. I'm just so not feeling "Hakuna Matata" about my treatment right now. I don't want to waste my time, with drug and after drug when there could be something easily fixable with a quick test or procedure. Like someone recently told me, "You have to be your own advocate."
We got our lap top fixed. $60 bucks later and it's working again. I didn't get my ovulation strips yet. I'm struggling with the idea of having to drop $20+ on it. I wish I had started keeping track of how much money has been spent on trying to have a baby. When we finally do have a child, we will probably have spent enough that we could have put that kid through college with it! My sweet cousin "J" sent me a link to this web site called "www.payitforwardfertility.com or something like that. They offer grants to people who can't afford treatments. But after reading through, you have to be a resident of NC. Does it make me crazy that I was wondering if I could just use my Aunt's address and pretend I live there? :) Maybe there's something similar for NY, I'll have to google it.
I think I'm coming to that "desperate" stage of Infertility. Well, pretty much the the desperate feeling is with you all along, but it's been kicked up a notch. Mostly, because I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm standing at a intersection and I have to make a decision on which way to go. I just want someone to TELL me where to go. There should be infertility coaches. A group of knowledgeable people, who are assigned to 2-3 people at time. To help them stay on track and turn onto the right fertility roads. And they are free. That would be great. Along with my special pregnancy tests idea that I came up with. When their negative they give you encouraging messages, maybe with a little sarcasm and humor. I should get working on these ideas. Then I will become a millionaire and will be able to afford fertility treatments. :)
Last night we went on a date. Out to dinner and then to see The Lion King. My mom got us the tickets for Christmas (thanks mom!). I've seen it before but Hubby hadn't. Definitely, a feast for the eyes. And I recommend going to see it if the show comes through your city! It was just nice to get out together, since we don't have the funds to do that very often. I even wore a cute pair of high heels that I haven't worn in a long time. And it was a bad, bad idea. I almost broke my ankle. And by the time we got to our car I was in tears. I guess I'm just not used to them that high. I've never been a sensible shoe person. Last night my gut was telling me to wear shorter heels, but I didn't listen. And then a few weekends ago I wore ballet flats out in a snow storm!I think last night I learned my lesson though. A painful lesson in that comfort wins over cute...
I wish "Hakuna Matata" were words that I could live by right now. No worries, ahhhh how nice that would be. But I guess there will always be worries, even after we have a baby. Just new and different worries. That's life...
Today is one of those days where I want to stay under a blanket on the couch. Not sure why. Maybe it's the time change, maybe the weather, maybe because it's just Sunday and I'm going with the "day of rest" thing.
My thoughts have been swirling the last few days. I'm considering seeing if I can get a larascopy (sp?) done. I've heard a few success stories with that recently and I'm starting to wonder. I really do like my RE clinic, but lately I've been having this feeling of too many drugs and not enough diagnosing. I hear of all these other women having these tests done and surgeries and it makes me wonder why I haven't been tested for them as well. I strongly believe that we must have conceived since our miscarriage, but that it's just not implanting properly. I'm just so not feeling "Hakuna Matata" about my treatment right now. I don't want to waste my time, with drug and after drug when there could be something easily fixable with a quick test or procedure. Like someone recently told me, "You have to be your own advocate."
We got our lap top fixed. $60 bucks later and it's working again. I didn't get my ovulation strips yet. I'm struggling with the idea of having to drop $20+ on it. I wish I had started keeping track of how much money has been spent on trying to have a baby. When we finally do have a child, we will probably have spent enough that we could have put that kid through college with it! My sweet cousin "J" sent me a link to this web site called "www.payitforwardfertility.com or something like that. They offer grants to people who can't afford treatments. But after reading through, you have to be a resident of NC. Does it make me crazy that I was wondering if I could just use my Aunt's address and pretend I live there? :) Maybe there's something similar for NY, I'll have to google it.
I think I'm coming to that "desperate" stage of Infertility. Well, pretty much the the desperate feeling is with you all along, but it's been kicked up a notch. Mostly, because I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm standing at a intersection and I have to make a decision on which way to go. I just want someone to TELL me where to go. There should be infertility coaches. A group of knowledgeable people, who are assigned to 2-3 people at time. To help them stay on track and turn onto the right fertility roads. And they are free. That would be great. Along with my special pregnancy tests idea that I came up with. When their negative they give you encouraging messages, maybe with a little sarcasm and humor. I should get working on these ideas. Then I will become a millionaire and will be able to afford fertility treatments. :)
Friday, March 11, 2011
Crummy Crohn's
I had to leave work early today because of a Crohn's "flare-up." Not fun at all. AF is over and now I have more stomach pain thanks to crummy Crohn's. I'm honestly terrified that I even have Crohn's Disease. I'm on the hunt for a new GI doctor because I'm not happy with the one that I have. As of right now, I'm not on any medication that treats Crohn's. Which I find very odd. He took me off the Lialda and put me on a simple stomach spasm medication. Which has been helping. But now I'm having all these problems and pain and it worries the hell out of me. Two of my cousins have Crohn's as well. And one of them was recently hospitalized for it! So scary! It's like Crohn's is the (sarcastic) cherry on top of my infertile cake. It makes me so mad. I think especially because after my colonoscopy the dr said it didn't look like I had Crohn's. Then a month and half later I get a letter (not a phone call!) that I had Crohn's disease. Very frustrating.
In other news, unrelated to the bottom half of my body, my heart is with Japan and Hawaii today. I feel horrible for Japan and I was so scared for Hawaii. Thankfully, the people I know from Hawaii are all ok. It reminded me of when I lived there and we would pass all the the tsunami warning sirens. Scary. Really scary. I thankfully, never heard them go off...
Unfortunately, with me feeling so sick today we couldn't go to my hubby's cousin's play. Bummer. But I am hoping I wake up feeling so much better so we can go ahead with our date night tomorrow!
My husband works for a company that installs certain things in peoples homes. Like how I went around that without giving the name of the company away? :) Well, today he happened to end up at the house of the sister of a guy we went to school with. Somehow, they got talking about being married and having kids. Turns out she is pregnant with triplets! And she and her husband struggled with infertility for five years! My husband said she was so unbelievably sweet about it. Saying that if I ever needed to talk, to get a hold of her. That she knows exactly how hard this all is. Turns out she goes (or did go, past tense!) to the same clinic as me. Not that I love hearing about ANOTHER woman having had trouble like this, but it makes my a heart swell up huge at the hand she reached out to me. It's kind of like this war we fight and we are all soldiers trying to fight off the same bad guy. Feels like a sisterhood or something...
And I've always wanted sisters :)
In other news, unrelated to the bottom half of my body, my heart is with Japan and Hawaii today. I feel horrible for Japan and I was so scared for Hawaii. Thankfully, the people I know from Hawaii are all ok. It reminded me of when I lived there and we would pass all the the tsunami warning sirens. Scary. Really scary. I thankfully, never heard them go off...
Unfortunately, with me feeling so sick today we couldn't go to my hubby's cousin's play. Bummer. But I am hoping I wake up feeling so much better so we can go ahead with our date night tomorrow!
My husband works for a company that installs certain things in peoples homes. Like how I went around that without giving the name of the company away? :) Well, today he happened to end up at the house of the sister of a guy we went to school with. Somehow, they got talking about being married and having kids. Turns out she is pregnant with triplets! And she and her husband struggled with infertility for five years! My husband said she was so unbelievably sweet about it. Saying that if I ever needed to talk, to get a hold of her. That she knows exactly how hard this all is. Turns out she goes (or did go, past tense!) to the same clinic as me. Not that I love hearing about ANOTHER woman having had trouble like this, but it makes my a heart swell up huge at the hand she reached out to me. It's kind of like this war we fight and we are all soldiers trying to fight off the same bad guy. Feels like a sisterhood or something...
And I've always wanted sisters :)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Crash and Burn
Last night our lap top crashed. Again. It was doing great for awhile and now we have a nasty new virus on it somehow. So, hubby helped me hook up the desktop. Well he hooked it up. While I stood by and felt an anxiety attack coming on at the thought that the desktop might not work. Breathing and heart rate is back to normal at the site of my yahoo homepage. But there's a sad part to this story. My desktop is like 40 years old and is soooo slow. I seriously could prepare and eat a Thanksgiving dinner in the time it takes for a page to load. So, please forgive if I'm slow to comment on your blogs. It's going to take me awhile! So here I am sitting on the floor. We don't have a desk in here so I have the monitor and keyboard up on an end table. ha.
Hopefully, we can get the virus taken care of soon on the lap top because (insert whiney voice here) this desktop SUCKS. And there isnt a tv in here. Here being the "extra" bedroom. The "future nursery" room. It's ironic that I'll be blogging from here for the next few weeks.
There was a change of plans today. And for this cycle. I had an appt at the RE this morning but I cancelled it last night. I was really worried the weather was going to be worse then they had expected and my hubby was going to be in Syracuse for work. So after a good talk with hubby we decided we are going to skip this cycle. Well not skip exactly, just sit out from RE intervention. This being for a few reasons. One-we want to put our money towards an injectible cycle in April. Two-after much thought I didnt want to waste a covered IUI with a non-medicated cycle. Could still have worked, but the odds werent really in our favor. We feel confident about this decision though. We are going to use OPK's, lots o' baby dancin, and a whole lot of hopin and prayin. I'm really just going with the flow. I know it sounds like this a repeat of last month, but I had taken clomid then. This cycle is going to be completely drug free. And we plan on taking all the $30 co-pays we would have spent on RE visits during this cycle and put them towards next months injectibles.
Ok friends, I'm putting myself to bed. Can't wait for a drama filled weekend! Meaning, we are seeing two shows. Hubby's cousin is in The Phantom of the Opera at her high school and then saturday is date night! The musical The Lion King and dinner out! Can't wait :)
Hopefully, we can get the virus taken care of soon on the lap top because (insert whiney voice here) this desktop SUCKS. And there isnt a tv in here. Here being the "extra" bedroom. The "future nursery" room. It's ironic that I'll be blogging from here for the next few weeks.
There was a change of plans today. And for this cycle. I had an appt at the RE this morning but I cancelled it last night. I was really worried the weather was going to be worse then they had expected and my hubby was going to be in Syracuse for work. So after a good talk with hubby we decided we are going to skip this cycle. Well not skip exactly, just sit out from RE intervention. This being for a few reasons. One-we want to put our money towards an injectible cycle in April. Two-after much thought I didnt want to waste a covered IUI with a non-medicated cycle. Could still have worked, but the odds werent really in our favor. We feel confident about this decision though. We are going to use OPK's, lots o' baby dancin, and a whole lot of hopin and prayin. I'm really just going with the flow. I know it sounds like this a repeat of last month, but I had taken clomid then. This cycle is going to be completely drug free. And we plan on taking all the $30 co-pays we would have spent on RE visits during this cycle and put them towards next months injectibles.
Ok friends, I'm putting myself to bed. Can't wait for a drama filled weekend! Meaning, we are seeing two shows. Hubby's cousin is in The Phantom of the Opera at her high school and then saturday is date night! The musical The Lion King and dinner out! Can't wait :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Midol Junkie
I eat...
Like they're...
I'm like the Midol dealer at work. People actually come to me asking if I have any. Midol is my best friend during weeks like this. It takes away the pain, wakes me up a little and lets me fit into my clothes. I ran out of it today and had a slight freak out. I finally went rummaging through an old purse of mine and found some. But it was touch and go there for awhile :)
Kids- don't try this at home.
Like they're...
I'm like the Midol dealer at work. People actually come to me asking if I have any. Midol is my best friend during weeks like this. It takes away the pain, wakes me up a little and lets me fit into my clothes. I ran out of it today and had a slight freak out. I finally went rummaging through an old purse of mine and found some. But it was touch and go there for awhile :)
Kids- don't try this at home.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Public vs Private
And I'm not talking about restrooms...
Sometimes, I have to admit, I wish my blog was private. And by invitation only. I sometimes feel like there are things I want to talk (vent) about that may hurt people. There have been quite a few times, where there's something Im really upset about and I can't be honest about it because I know certain individuals read my blog. I know that I could have a public blog and then a private one, but honestly that feels like too much work. What I'd really like is for it to be open to just the IF community and a small group of family and friends. But I probably won't do it. I'd feel so bad if someone were to say to me " How come I can't find your blog anymore?" Ummmmmm, because I deleted you. Ouch. I can't do that to people.
Today, I had a random flashback. When I was married to my ex and living in Hawaii, I made friends with a bunch of the other Navy wives (and a few other very special Marine wives! Hi LaLa and Sarah). Well, one night I got a call from my friend "A's" husband. "A" was in the hospital, she was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency surgery. "A's" husband was wondering if I could come look after their two year old daughter. And of course, I rushed right over feeling so horrible for them. This was at the very beginning of my IF journey. For the next few days I took care of their little girl. And one of my "duties" was to drive her to see her mom at the hospital. Which meant installing a car seat. And that task (since it was my first time doing this) ended in tears. I couldn't figure it out and was so scared I wouldn't install it correctly. Finally I got it right and I think I even added some rope and duct tape in there for extra "safety" haha Exaggerating. But I was close to using it! :) I was paranoid that the seat belt straps would fail me. So their little girl and I ran errands, went for rides to visit her mom, and had lots of fun together. I remember one time while she was in the car, I was at a stop light and I looked in the rear view mirror. What I saw was such a precious moment for me. Not to be confused with the big eyed (creepy) precious moment figurines :) But a precious moment in life...where you are just in awe...
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw their beautiful daughter fast asleep in her car seat. Head resting to the side, sippy cup in one hand and her bunny in the other. My heart just melted because it made me have this "mom" feeling. This feeling of where you would give your life to protect this little girl. My heart just swelled thinking about how bad I wanted to be a mommy. And that was how I felt at the beginning of my IF struggle. Now, that feeling has been multiplied by three years and a loss.
I'll never forget that week with their little girl. It was like mommy "practice" for me. I'm no longer in touch with them, but I hope they were able to go on to have another beautiful baby...
I have an appt on Thursday at the RE's office. I was supposed to go tomorrow (day 3) but I called and asked if I could come on day 4 because I had work stuff going on. The nurse said that was fine since I wasn't doing any meds. Well, I get home and see the forecast for Thursday and we're supposed to get another storm! A smaller storm, but still enough to make driving the 1,000 miles to the clinic impossible. Ugh. I am just hoping the storm isnt too bad so I can go to my appt. Please go away winter! You are interfering with my kiddo makin plans! :(
And I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, and get you thinking " Am I one of the people she doesn't want reading her blog??" :) It's not anyone in particular, just sometimes I wish I didn't have to hold back...
But I guess I can't have my blog cake and eat it too :)
Sometimes, I have to admit, I wish my blog was private. And by invitation only. I sometimes feel like there are things I want to talk (vent) about that may hurt people. There have been quite a few times, where there's something Im really upset about and I can't be honest about it because I know certain individuals read my blog. I know that I could have a public blog and then a private one, but honestly that feels like too much work. What I'd really like is for it to be open to just the IF community and a small group of family and friends. But I probably won't do it. I'd feel so bad if someone were to say to me " How come I can't find your blog anymore?" Ummmmmm, because I deleted you. Ouch. I can't do that to people.
Today, I had a random flashback. When I was married to my ex and living in Hawaii, I made friends with a bunch of the other Navy wives (and a few other very special Marine wives! Hi LaLa and Sarah). Well, one night I got a call from my friend "A's" husband. "A" was in the hospital, she was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency surgery. "A's" husband was wondering if I could come look after their two year old daughter. And of course, I rushed right over feeling so horrible for them. This was at the very beginning of my IF journey. For the next few days I took care of their little girl. And one of my "duties" was to drive her to see her mom at the hospital. Which meant installing a car seat. And that task (since it was my first time doing this) ended in tears. I couldn't figure it out and was so scared I wouldn't install it correctly. Finally I got it right and I think I even added some rope and duct tape in there for extra "safety" haha Exaggerating. But I was close to using it! :) I was paranoid that the seat belt straps would fail me. So their little girl and I ran errands, went for rides to visit her mom, and had lots of fun together. I remember one time while she was in the car, I was at a stop light and I looked in the rear view mirror. What I saw was such a precious moment for me. Not to be confused with the big eyed (creepy) precious moment figurines :) But a precious moment in life...where you are just in awe...
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw their beautiful daughter fast asleep in her car seat. Head resting to the side, sippy cup in one hand and her bunny in the other. My heart just melted because it made me have this "mom" feeling. This feeling of where you would give your life to protect this little girl. My heart just swelled thinking about how bad I wanted to be a mommy. And that was how I felt at the beginning of my IF struggle. Now, that feeling has been multiplied by three years and a loss.
I'll never forget that week with their little girl. It was like mommy "practice" for me. I'm no longer in touch with them, but I hope they were able to go on to have another beautiful baby...
I have an appt on Thursday at the RE's office. I was supposed to go tomorrow (day 3) but I called and asked if I could come on day 4 because I had work stuff going on. The nurse said that was fine since I wasn't doing any meds. Well, I get home and see the forecast for Thursday and we're supposed to get another storm! A smaller storm, but still enough to make driving the 1,000 miles to the clinic impossible. Ugh. I am just hoping the storm isnt too bad so I can go to my appt. Please go away winter! You are interfering with my kiddo makin plans! :(
And I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, and get you thinking " Am I one of the people she doesn't want reading her blog??" :) It's not anyone in particular, just sometimes I wish I didn't have to hold back...
But I guess I can't have my blog cake and eat it too :)
Monday, March 7, 2011
What's up Aunt Flow...
Day one. She's here. And I'm feeling indifferent about it...
What I know for sure is that I want to eat everything in sight. And then nap for 10 hours. Those are classic AF "symptoms" for me. I'm hungry 24/7 and I'm super tired.
I called the RE's office with day one today and I must have gotten a "newbie." Normally, my day one phone calls are pretty quick. They usually ask what I want to do with this cycle and then they make the appt for two days later. Bing. Bang. Boom. But today, I must have gotten a fresh meat nurse who was following the rules and doing it the right way. Because she played 20 questions and then took a week to book the appt. She was very nice, but I was kind of in a hurry so I didn't have my normal patience meter set at HIGH. Poor newbie.
So, if everything checks out good with my baby maker this week we will continue on with a non-medicated cycle. Then a trigger and IUI. I'm really interested to see lab results when Im not on Clomid. With the injectibles my labs were really good. So it will be interesting to see what they are with good old nothin'! :) Got pregnant on good old nothin'! So here's to hopin', right? :)
And I just have to give a big "NO THANK YOU!" to old man winter today. Another ice and snow storm. The roads were so awful. Thankfully, my awesome hubby gave me a ride to and from work. Spring, where are youuuuu? :)
Well, Im off to eat brownies and watch The Bachelor: The Crazies Tell All. It'll be a good time. ha.
What I know for sure is that I want to eat everything in sight. And then nap for 10 hours. Those are classic AF "symptoms" for me. I'm hungry 24/7 and I'm super tired.
I called the RE's office with day one today and I must have gotten a "newbie." Normally, my day one phone calls are pretty quick. They usually ask what I want to do with this cycle and then they make the appt for two days later. Bing. Bang. Boom. But today, I must have gotten a fresh meat nurse who was following the rules and doing it the right way. Because she played 20 questions and then took a week to book the appt. She was very nice, but I was kind of in a hurry so I didn't have my normal patience meter set at HIGH. Poor newbie.
So, if everything checks out good with my baby maker this week we will continue on with a non-medicated cycle. Then a trigger and IUI. I'm really interested to see lab results when Im not on Clomid. With the injectibles my labs were really good. So it will be interesting to see what they are with good old nothin'! :) Got pregnant on good old nothin'! So here's to hopin', right? :)
And I just have to give a big "NO THANK YOU!" to old man winter today. Another ice and snow storm. The roads were so awful. Thankfully, my awesome hubby gave me a ride to and from work. Spring, where are youuuuu? :)
Well, Im off to eat brownies and watch The Bachelor: The Crazies Tell All. It'll be a good time. ha.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
50 is Nifty
I now have 50 people following my blog! And there still could be some lurkers out there :) It's just amazing to me that people are actually interested in what I have to say. Thanks for being with me on the good days, the bad days, and the really bad days. Your support means so much! So thanks for sticking around :) I think I'm going to participate in the next ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) at the end of March. This allows more people to find me and for me to reach out to other bloggers. So I'm going to give it a whirl.
Last night I also stumbled upon the blogger "stats" button. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I didnt even know it was up there. I clicked on it and I was AMAZED. It tells you how many people have viewed your blog, in what countries, at what time. I was in awe. I've had over 10,000 views or something like that. And people viewing from all around the world. Malaysia, Japan, Russia. All over the place. I guess I've always known that since my blog is public, anyone anywhere could see it. But it's just shocking that those people may have come back more than once. Which in a way is cool, but why not become an official follower of the blog instead of creepin' in and out :) I know we all have tons of people reading our blogs, but I was just in shock last night to see the actual stats on the screen. So thanks, Blogger, for that fabulous tool...
Did I tell you we got our official Adoption packet in the mail the other day? I looked through it briefly and delicately. I was almost afraid to touch the papers, I was being very careful with them. It was exciting to get the packet, but overwhelming too. I was almost reading the "Fee" page behind covered eyes. We can't start anything until September anyways, but I just want to be prepared when the time comes...
Nothing really to report yet. AF is a few days late but I've been having cramping on and off. Haven't officially decided what we are going to do with this next cycle. Probably will try a non-medicated with trigger and IUI. But if my numbers arent looking good after a few RE visits, then we'll probably cancel that cycle too. My birthday is April 7th. And I've already been thinking about how wonderful it would be to be pregnant on my birthday. I go through this every year. But maybe this year will be my year :)
Our house smells amazing today. This morning I made cinnamon rolls (which were heaven btw!) and I had to make cinnamon muffins for a thing at work tomorrow. The overpowering scent of cinnamon is very much welcome. Considering we made cheddar cheese popcorn the other night that smelled (and tasted) like a combination between feet and vomit. Ew.
Speaking of smells, hubby and I had a random funny converstation the other night:
Hubby: " You know another reason why I love you so much? Because you always smell good."
Me: (Laughing)
Hubby: "Well, except for when you get home from work."
Me: (Laughing) "What?! What do I smell like then? Kid poop? Kid vomit?"
Hubby: (Laughing) "Noooo, you smell like a school. You know, the way schools smell. A hospital type of smell."
Me: (Lauging) " A school smell? I can't smell it!"
So, now I'm curious does anyone else recognize this school smell? Do you guys think schools have a distinct smell? I know what hospitals smell like (yuck) but never really sniffed a school haha
I got a really nice fb email from my friend "N" from high school. And it really touched my heart. She reads my blog and had even struggled with some IF with her first child. She is now pregnant with her second. You know those moments that happen where your like " Wow, there really are some good good people out there"? Well, that was this kind of moment for me. She had said that she delayed her pregnancy fb announcement because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I feel horrible about this, but how sweet of her to even think of me! Then she asked for my address because she wants to send us her stash of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. Wow. :) I can't wait until I'm holding my baby someday and I can reach out to someone who's having trouble and say " How can I help make it better?" I get excited thinking about donating any leftover meds, or tests, or fertility statues, or bedazzled pill boxes. I will want to help other IF girls out there in any way that I can! So, thank you "N" for making my day :)
Last night I also stumbled upon the blogger "stats" button. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I didnt even know it was up there. I clicked on it and I was AMAZED. It tells you how many people have viewed your blog, in what countries, at what time. I was in awe. I've had over 10,000 views or something like that. And people viewing from all around the world. Malaysia, Japan, Russia. All over the place. I guess I've always known that since my blog is public, anyone anywhere could see it. But it's just shocking that those people may have come back more than once. Which in a way is cool, but why not become an official follower of the blog instead of creepin' in and out :) I know we all have tons of people reading our blogs, but I was just in shock last night to see the actual stats on the screen. So thanks, Blogger, for that fabulous tool...
Did I tell you we got our official Adoption packet in the mail the other day? I looked through it briefly and delicately. I was almost afraid to touch the papers, I was being very careful with them. It was exciting to get the packet, but overwhelming too. I was almost reading the "Fee" page behind covered eyes. We can't start anything until September anyways, but I just want to be prepared when the time comes...
Nothing really to report yet. AF is a few days late but I've been having cramping on and off. Haven't officially decided what we are going to do with this next cycle. Probably will try a non-medicated with trigger and IUI. But if my numbers arent looking good after a few RE visits, then we'll probably cancel that cycle too. My birthday is April 7th. And I've already been thinking about how wonderful it would be to be pregnant on my birthday. I go through this every year. But maybe this year will be my year :)
Our house smells amazing today. This morning I made cinnamon rolls (which were heaven btw!) and I had to make cinnamon muffins for a thing at work tomorrow. The overpowering scent of cinnamon is very much welcome. Considering we made cheddar cheese popcorn the other night that smelled (and tasted) like a combination between feet and vomit. Ew.
Speaking of smells, hubby and I had a random funny converstation the other night:
Hubby: " You know another reason why I love you so much? Because you always smell good."
Me: (Laughing)
Hubby: "Well, except for when you get home from work."
Me: (Laughing) "What?! What do I smell like then? Kid poop? Kid vomit?"
Hubby: (Laughing) "Noooo, you smell like a school. You know, the way schools smell. A hospital type of smell."
Me: (Lauging) " A school smell? I can't smell it!"
So, now I'm curious does anyone else recognize this school smell? Do you guys think schools have a distinct smell? I know what hospitals smell like (yuck) but never really sniffed a school haha
I got a really nice fb email from my friend "N" from high school. And it really touched my heart. She reads my blog and had even struggled with some IF with her first child. She is now pregnant with her second. You know those moments that happen where your like " Wow, there really are some good good people out there"? Well, that was this kind of moment for me. She had said that she delayed her pregnancy fb announcement because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I feel horrible about this, but how sweet of her to even think of me! Then she asked for my address because she wants to send us her stash of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. Wow. :) I can't wait until I'm holding my baby someday and I can reach out to someone who's having trouble and say " How can I help make it better?" I get excited thinking about donating any leftover meds, or tests, or fertility statues, or bedazzled pill boxes. I will want to help other IF girls out there in any way that I can! So, thank you "N" for making my day :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Just when you think...
...that things are starting to look up, life kicks you in the ass again. Yesterday was a really tough day at work. Pretty much everything that could go wrong, did. My friend Christina and I were at the point where we just doubled over in laughter at the events of the day. Then I get a call in the afternoon from my husband. The night before he was having some chest pain. Not severe chest pain, but just enough to be annoying and uncomfortable. Well, Friday afternoon it got worse and he called me contemplating going to the ER. I begged him to go. So he left work and my MIL picked him up at the house and brought him to the ER. I then met them over there, since my work is just down the street from the hospital. They did an EKG and a chest xray. Both came back normal. Phewww! Thank goodness he wasn't having a heart attack. With all the stress we've having lately, it seemed like a big possibility that a heart attack could be happening. I found myself rubbing my chest in the exam room, because I was experiencing what was probably a slight anxiety attack. I was about to hook myself up to the monitors!! Turns out about five years ago, my hubby had an episode happen with his lungs. It's called Spontaneous Pneumothorax. A condition where your lung can just collapse. Back then he ended up in the hospital for three days with a chest tube. No fun. So, he was thinking maybe this pain was a repeat of last time. Because I guess the dr told him that it can happen again. But the lung xray came back fine this time. So now its just a wait and see thing. There's nothing he can do but wait to see if the pain gets worse and go back to the ER. Which is a strong possibility because this is how it happened last time. He was sent home with the doctors saying everything looked okay, and then he was back in the hospital a week later. Hopefully, the chest pain will just go away and we'll get lucky and dodge this bullet. But our track record with LUCK isn't that great :) So, Friday was a long day. We should be expecting a $100 ER bill anyday now, too. Sweet. We are SO thankful that my hubby's heart is ok though. Things could be much worse.
I just wish life would give us a break for a little awhile. We don't deserve for it to be one thing after another ALL THE TIME. I know everyone has their own problems and life isn't always fair...but geez...we could really use a break...
My husband saw an article on MSNBC.com today about a Georgia lawmaker who wants to make miscarriages a crime. Possibly punishable by the death penalty. WHAT??! Unreal. I smell a scumbag!! I guess that puts my problems into perspective. Seems like the women of Georgia might have some real problems on their hands...
I just wish life would give us a break for a little awhile. We don't deserve for it to be one thing after another ALL THE TIME. I know everyone has their own problems and life isn't always fair...but geez...we could really use a break...
My husband saw an article on MSNBC.com today about a Georgia lawmaker who wants to make miscarriages a crime. Possibly punishable by the death penalty. WHAT??! Unreal. I smell a scumbag!! I guess that puts my problems into perspective. Seems like the women of Georgia might have some real problems on their hands...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A few of my favorite things...
Tonight I'm not going to talk about Infertility at all. Well, except for mentioning it in the previous sentence :) Instead, I'm going to list a few of my (random) favorite things. And they don't include raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens...
1) Shimmer/glitter
2) Golden Retrievers
3) Cheesecake Factory Vanilla Bean Cheesecake
4) Down blankets/comforters
5) Lunch and Shopping dates with my Mom (Friendly's is our place)
6) Diamonds (not that I own many, but it's also my birthstone)
7) Coca-Cola
8) My husband's eyes
9) Weekends
10) Candles
11) Anything that has to do with Christmas
12) Hallmark stores
13) Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee
14) Roses, Daisies and Peonys
15) Day Trips with my man
16) Orbit Gum
17) Baby items
18) Songs and quotes that really make you feel something
19) Hawaiian Beaches
20) Fall
Random post, I know. But I wanted to purposely take my mind off writing about the "I" word. I want to thank you all for your sweet and uplifting comments on my last post :) Sometimes you get that comment that just turns things around for ya. So thank you, thank you, thank you...
Favorite thing #21- This blog community. Made up of some of the strongest, bravest, funniest, sweetest girls I know...
1) Shimmer/glitter
2) Golden Retrievers
3) Cheesecake Factory Vanilla Bean Cheesecake
4) Down blankets/comforters
5) Lunch and Shopping dates with my Mom (Friendly's is our place)
6) Diamonds (not that I own many, but it's also my birthstone)
7) Coca-Cola
8) My husband's eyes
9) Weekends
10) Candles
11) Anything that has to do with Christmas
12) Hallmark stores
13) Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee
14) Roses, Daisies and Peonys
15) Day Trips with my man
16) Orbit Gum
17) Baby items
18) Songs and quotes that really make you feel something
19) Hawaiian Beaches
20) Fall
Random post, I know. But I wanted to purposely take my mind off writing about the "I" word. I want to thank you all for your sweet and uplifting comments on my last post :) Sometimes you get that comment that just turns things around for ya. So thank you, thank you, thank you...
Favorite thing #21- This blog community. Made up of some of the strongest, bravest, funniest, sweetest girls I know...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mama said they'll be days like this...
I almost didn't blog at all tonight, because it's just been a rough day or two and I hate being a downer. I know there are going to be days like this. Mama said so. My friend "S" posted this song lyric on Facebook today and it made me smile. She is going through a tough time too and it was a nice distraction from the five... yes five...Facebook pregnancy announcements I saw today...
Last night I had severe cramps and along with that came severe nausea. It was awful. In the past before IF, I used to sort of think people who didn't come to work because of cramps...were just being wimpy. But now I get it. And it's something I want my doctor to look into. My periods are seeming more and more sketchy...longer cycles...horrible cramping and nausea. And AF hasnt even officially arrived yet. I think Ive read that these are signs of Endometriosis?? I could be wrong though. And to seal the day I took a pregnancy test and the mother-of-all digital flashed a big "NO" in my face. I'm just feeling so defeated. Last night was the first time I have cried about IF in quite awhile. Financially, we are just not in a place where we can move forward and do what we want to do. It's very discouraging. The months are flying by. And at this rate Im scared we'll be right in the same place come 2012. I know many of you might be thinking "Be positive about things!" And we want to be, its just really really hard right now...
I started looking up some more adoption agencies around here and in the google search box I was tempted to type some crazy things...
"Desperate for baby"
"Any babies on clearance?"
"One the verge of losing it"
"Dear Brad and Angelina, can I have one of yours?"
I've heard the adoption process is grueling, but so worth it if it all works out. I'm not ready to be done with fertility treatments yet, but we are stuck right now. So naturally my heart and mind are reeling with "What CAN we do?"
I just want to feel hopeful again. Anybody have any leftover Hope they can let me borrow? :)
Last night I had severe cramps and along with that came severe nausea. It was awful. In the past before IF, I used to sort of think people who didn't come to work because of cramps...were just being wimpy. But now I get it. And it's something I want my doctor to look into. My periods are seeming more and more sketchy...longer cycles...horrible cramping and nausea. And AF hasnt even officially arrived yet. I think Ive read that these are signs of Endometriosis?? I could be wrong though. And to seal the day I took a pregnancy test and the mother-of-all digital flashed a big "NO" in my face. I'm just feeling so defeated. Last night was the first time I have cried about IF in quite awhile. Financially, we are just not in a place where we can move forward and do what we want to do. It's very discouraging. The months are flying by. And at this rate Im scared we'll be right in the same place come 2012. I know many of you might be thinking "Be positive about things!" And we want to be, its just really really hard right now...
I started looking up some more adoption agencies around here and in the google search box I was tempted to type some crazy things...
"Desperate for baby"
"Any babies on clearance?"
"One the verge of losing it"
"Dear Brad and Angelina, can I have one of yours?"
I've heard the adoption process is grueling, but so worth it if it all works out. I'm not ready to be done with fertility treatments yet, but we are stuck right now. So naturally my heart and mind are reeling with "What CAN we do?"
I just want to feel hopeful again. Anybody have any leftover Hope they can let me borrow? :)
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