Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Shells

A few nights ago I was reading the blog post of a lovely IF blogger. I stumbled upon her blog through ICLW week. She had written about how infertility had turned her into a shell of the person she once was. And these words really tugged at my heart. Because that's exactly what I feel like infertility has done to me. And I know I'm not alone in this. It was just the perfect description of me "now" as opposed to me "then" before IF. It's such a honest description. Not sugar coated at all. This is me. And that's ok, because I know I'll get back there (to a good place) eventually. Probably, when I have a baby in my arms. I just won't feel whole until then. Doesn't mean I don't smile and laugh and enjoy life, it just means that right now...there's more "shell" than there is Sarah...

Another lovely blogger wrote about how certain people in her life started disappearing. It's normal that people start to shy away after awhile. They get tired of all the sadness, the treatments, the anti-social behavior. I get it. I know it must be hard to be friends with someone who is down in the dumps 85% of the time. They don't know what to say or how to help so they just back off. And that's ok. Because infertility can make us anti-social and closed off. It becomes hard to focus on anything else other than making a baby. I just want to thank my family and friends who have stuck around, who have been so kind and patient with me. I promise someday soon...Sarah will be back...and better than ever. :)

Good news! I can smell and taste again!! I think I'm starting to feel a little better. Thank goodness. I was getting nervous. My mom had a brain tumor when I was in high school and she lost her sense of smell and taste. Never got it back. :( So of course the crazy in me was like " Ohhh Sh**, I have a brain tumor too." But thankfully my smeller and taste buds are working again...

Today is CD 17. Negative OPK tonight. I'm kind of worried I already ovulated or I'm not going to at all. For the most part I seem to be a late ovulator, but when I got pregnant I think I speed ovulated. Because from my calculations I got pregnant very soon after my period ended. It's all so confusing. And honestly I don't BBT. It frustrates me and seemed to cause me more stress so I stopped doing it. Guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope for two bright blue lines in the next few days. Come on ovaries, work it....

7 comments:

Chon said...

New reader here! I too feel like a shell of the person I once was. Sometimes I feel like I am smiling on the outside but only husband knows the depth of my pain inside. Lisa Rouff who writes the infertility therapist blog wrote an amazing piece this week about whether you ever recover from being infertile. I think you would really enjoy it. Hopefully your OV is just around the corner and has a very happy ending :)

Faith said...

I remember this feeling - like I was just gutted and would never be the same. My husband asked me all the time, "Will it always be this way? Even when we adopt, will you always be so negative, envious, sad, etc?" And my honest answer was, "I don't know." I really couldn't imagine recovering, being the person I once was, after all that we had suffered.

Guess what? Not only am I the person I once was, I am better. Because I don't take any of it for granted. Even when things are hard, and it can get REALLY hard when I am sleep deprived and have to deal with 2 crying babies, I thank God every day for my precious miracles. I have learned SO much about myself, and mostly about life...and I wouldn't be the mom I am to my babies without the suffering and pain I had to endure.

This is not to say that one should be thankful for such heartache...just that, one day, you will look back at this time and it will be a memory. A sad memory for sure, but just a memory. And you WILL be a "better than ever" Sarah:).

Amanda said...

I'm the same way. I loved how you said 'that's ok' because you know what, it is! That's just me right now, but I will get back to how I was. It will just take time. Thanks for that :)

Thank god you can taste and smell!

I really hope those lines show up soon...or, if you've already ovulated, I'm hoping for 2 different lines ;)

Jenny said...

I absolutely feel that infertility has made me a shell of my former self. The sadness, worry, loss of friends, I relate to all of it. I also find that it has made me the neurotic mom-to-be that I am. I used to believe that the human body was perfect in that it would do what it's supposed to do when I was pregnant, instead the endo and infertility have caused me to lose faith in my body doing "what it's supposed to do".
In some ways IF has made me a better person though. I'm more compassionate, less easily bothered by "the small things" in life and much more appreciative of my REAL friends (the ones who supported my struggles), family and especially my husband. Going through this together has made us a stronger couple and I believe it will make us better parents.

Emily said...

Whenever I hear/see the words work it Missy Elliot immediately pops into my head.

"Put my thing down, flip it and reverse it.."

Yes? Anyone?.....



But on a serious note, IF can do some really crappy things to us. I think everyone goes through periods of feeling like a shell. IF steals so much from us, it can leave us feeling as less than we once were.

Hugs to you as you move forward.

And come ON ovaries. Do your thing!!

amiracle4us said...

Great post and oh so true. The affects of IF aren't confined to the four walls that surround us. They affect our family and friends bc of the affect if has on us and that is almost one of the most painful parts; lost friends, distant relationships.
I hope the person we become, whether our dreams come true with full wombs or not, is a happy person, truly happy.
Here's too 2 lines!

Carlia said...

i'm so glad you're feeling better! yes, infertility definitely takes its toll on our personalities and our social life. for a few years there, i was so baby-crazy that i was unrecognizable. i still don't have a baby, but i've toned it down and am back to my old self. you'll get there, but hopefully you'll have a baby to show for it.