Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna matata is a Swahili phrase that is literally translated as "There are no worries". It is sometimes translated as "no worries", although is more commonly used similarly to the American English phrase "no problem".

Last night we went on a date. Out to dinner and then to see The Lion King. My mom got us the tickets for Christmas (thanks mom!). I've seen it before but Hubby hadn't. Definitely, a feast for the eyes. And I recommend going to see it if the show comes through your city! It was just nice to get out together, since we don't have the funds to do that very often. I even wore a cute pair of high heels that I haven't worn in a long time. And it was a bad, bad idea. I almost broke my ankle. And by the time we got to our car I was in tears. I guess I'm just not used to them that high. I've never been a sensible shoe person. Last night my gut was telling me to wear shorter heels, but I didn't listen. And then a few weekends ago I wore ballet flats out in a snow storm!I think last night I learned my lesson though. A painful lesson in that comfort wins over cute...

I wish "Hakuna Matata" were words that I could live by right now. No worries, ahhhh how nice that would be. But I guess there will always be worries, even after we have a baby. Just new and different worries. That's life...

Today is one of those days where I want to stay under a blanket on the couch. Not sure why. Maybe it's the time change, maybe the weather, maybe because it's just Sunday and I'm going with the "day of rest" thing.

My thoughts have been swirling the last few days. I'm considering seeing if I can get a larascopy (sp?) done. I've heard a few success stories with that recently and I'm starting to wonder. I really do like my RE clinic, but lately I've been having this feeling of too many drugs and not enough diagnosing. I hear of all these other women having these tests done and surgeries and it makes me wonder why I haven't been tested for them as well. I strongly believe that we must have conceived since our miscarriage, but that it's just not implanting properly. I'm just so not feeling "Hakuna Matata" about my treatment right now. I don't want to waste my time, with drug and after drug when there could be something easily fixable with a quick test or procedure. Like someone recently told me, "You have to be your own advocate."

We got our lap top fixed. $60 bucks later and it's working again. I didn't get my ovulation strips yet. I'm struggling with the idea of having to drop $20+ on it. I wish I had started keeping track of how much money has been spent on trying to have a baby. When we finally do have a child, we will probably have spent enough that we could have put that kid through college with it! My sweet cousin "J" sent me a link to this web site called "www.payitforwardfertility.com or something like that. They offer grants to people who can't afford treatments. But after reading through, you have to be a resident of NC. Does it make me crazy that I was wondering if I could just use my Aunt's address and pretend I live there? :) Maybe there's something similar for NY, I'll have to google it.

I think I'm coming to that "desperate" stage of Infertility. Well, pretty much the the desperate feeling is with you all along, but it's been kicked up a notch. Mostly, because I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm standing at a intersection and I have to make a decision on which way to go. I just want someone to TELL me where to go. There should be infertility coaches. A group of knowledgeable people, who are assigned to 2-3 people at time. To help them stay on track and turn onto the right fertility roads. And they are free. That would be great. Along with my special pregnancy tests idea that I came up with. When their negative they give you encouraging messages, maybe with a little sarcasm and humor. I should get working on these ideas. Then I will become a millionaire and will be able to afford fertility treatments. :)

7 comments:

Amanda said...

Sounds like such a fun night! (minus the killer shoes of course)

I totally get the 'desperate' feeling. I just wish I could somehow KNOW that I would eventually have a baby, then I could relax a little. But not knowing if it's ever going to happen puts so much pressure and stress on each month...

So what CD are you now? Are you monitoring your BBT? I really hope you O soon!

Josey said...

I love insensible shoes. :) Luckily, I live in a place where I pretty much live in flip flops 8 months of the year. That helps. :)

We all get that desperate feeling. It SUCKS, but it is what it is. I agree with being your own advocate. ASK your RE why they haven't suggested a lap. For me, it didn't make sense, but maybe for you it would.

Where do you get your OPKs from?
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/
There's pretty cheap through there, and they're still sensitive (25mIU/ml/lh).

Hakuna Matata!

Faith said...

Hey Girl, I hate that desperate place, I remember it so vividly. But, those "intersections" you described are usually the places where great things happen - I find that I have to get to an intersection in order to take that big step in the right direction. I hope that is the case for you.

Definitely be your own advocate, ask the questions. I had a lap done - dx with stage 2 endo, got pregnant about 6 months later and then again about a year later, which is the one that stuck. I have no idea if it was the lap clearing the endo out....or just my time:). hang in there, girl! Enjoy those nights out and special times with your hubby - I promise you that one day they'll be gone and you will be so happy they are because it means your baby is finally in your arms:).

Marissa said...

I love high heels! I had to make special rules for myself about when I could and could not wear them. (I hate my rules!)

Use the ALI community as your mentor. I've never had a lap, but I've heard good things about them.

JackieMac said...

I feel the exact same way sometimes - I just wish someone would tell me what the right next move is regarding IF - just wanted to send you (((HUGS))) and let you know you are not alone.

Jenny said...

I L-O-V-E sexy heels but as soon as I put them on I regret it...I only ever wear heels if I know I'm only going to have to walk a couple minutes from my car to a seat LOL In the crummy Montreal winter I pretty much live in my Uggs and in the winter I'm in flip flops 90% of the time :P


As I mentioned before, doing a lap will at least give you answers. I didn't get pregnant after mine but it at least helped me accept that my infertility had a more concrete cause...even though my tubes were clear :/ I think for me the problem was somehow the eggs weren't getting into the tubes to be fertilized because I had a few endometriomas on each ovary (they returned rather quickly after the lap unfortunately)...

P.S. Since I was a kid and watched The Lion King movie for the first time, Hakuna Matata has been my mantra (well for everything OUTSIDE of fertility)...I even say "no worries" on a regular basis.

cgd said...

I love that show, by the way.
You do have to be your own advocate. I did have a lap after 3 failed IVF cycles. We found and removed endo from my ovaries at that time. I had asked my RE about this a few times but he hesitated to do it at first.
There is a NY state grant for IVF but I think the funding is running out. I was able to do it through my clinic so I would as your RE if they participate. Here is a link:
http://www.health.ny.gov/community/reproductive_health/infertility/demonstration_program/
feel free to email me if you have any questions.
good luck!!!