Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Mama said they'll be days like this...

I almost didn't blog at all tonight, because it's just been a rough day or two and I hate being a downer. I know there are going to be days like this. Mama said so. My friend "S" posted this song lyric on Facebook today and it made me smile. She is going through a tough time too and it was a nice distraction from the five... yes five...Facebook pregnancy announcements I saw today...

Last night I had severe cramps and along with that came severe nausea. It was awful. In the past before IF, I used to sort of think people who didn't come to work because of cramps...were just being wimpy. But now I get it. And it's something I want my doctor to look into. My periods are seeming more and more sketchy...longer cycles...horrible cramping and nausea. And AF hasnt even officially arrived yet. I think Ive read that these are signs of Endometriosis?? I could be wrong though. And to seal the day I took a pregnancy test and the mother-of-all digital flashed a big "NO" in my face. I'm just feeling so defeated. Last night was the first time I have cried about IF in quite awhile. Financially, we are just not in a place where we can move forward and do what we want to do. It's very discouraging. The months are flying by. And at this rate Im scared we'll be right in the same place come 2012. I know many of you might be thinking "Be positive about things!" And we want to be, its just really really hard right now...

I started looking up some more adoption agencies around here and in the google search box I was tempted to type some crazy things...

"Desperate for baby"
"Any babies on clearance?"
"One the verge of losing it"
"Dear Brad and Angelina, can I have one of yours?"

I've heard the adoption process is grueling, but so worth it if it all works out. I'm not ready to be done with fertility treatments yet, but we are stuck right now. So naturally my heart and mind are reeling with "What CAN we do?"

I just want to feel hopeful again. Anybody have any leftover Hope they can let me borrow? :)

7 comments:

Marissa said...

*hugs*

kkasun said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry. I hope that those cramps are not for AF.
Thinking of you.

cgd said...

hang in there. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

Jenny said...

Aww hun...I'm sorry about the bfn.
Yes those can definitely be symptoms of the SUPER EVIL endometriosis. My periods were horrible (and likely will continue to be after my pregnancy). The only way they can tell you for sure is through surgery though so bring it up with your doctor. March is endo awareness month...you may want to look into it a little more...the sooner you do the better. Feel free to contact me any time if you want links to reputable sites...

i giggled at your possible searches. That being said, you're right about how worth adoption stress is when you hold your baby in your arms...

Amanda said...

Hang in there sweetie! Of course there will always be days like this...but they made the good days even better (hugs)

Amber said...

I remember hitting a point where I wanted to just start asking pregnant women if they wanted to keep their baby. I just knew I'd find one who would just hand hers over. Hope it gets better soon!

Faith said...

Those cramps do sound like endo. I had stage 2 (and got pg naturally, so it is possible). I would definitely ask your dr about it.

Oh, and I STILL don't have a facebook account because I could not tolerate all the pregnancy announcements, belly pics, pictures of smiling parents and babies, etc. Even now that I have my babies, I haven't been able to move forward with that for some reason...

Some days, being positive is not possible and THAT'S OK! I think it's just important to experience it all, and be patient with whatever you feel on a particular day. The bad times are just that - bad times - they WILL eventually end. Being positive is great, but it isn't realistic ALL the time.

I have to say this - the adoption process was NOT grueling for us. And it wasn't for many couples who were with our agency. It was quick, simple, and affordable (with the $13,000 adoption tax credit we are getting back this year). And the most amazing blessing of our life came from it. I know there are horror stories, but you should know that that isn't ALWAYS the reality. I would take adoption over fertility treatments any day:). That's not to say the decision to adopt is simple, I know what loss there is in that...just saying once the decision is made, it doesn't have to "grueling":).

Hang in there, girl!