Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Public vs Private

And I'm not talking about restrooms...

Sometimes, I have to admit, I wish my blog was private. And by invitation only. I sometimes feel like there are things I want to talk (vent) about that may hurt people. There have been quite a few times, where there's something Im really upset about and I can't be honest about it because I know certain individuals read my blog. I know that I could have a public blog and then a private one, but honestly that feels like too much work. What I'd really like is for it to be open to just the IF community and a small group of family and friends. But I probably won't do it. I'd feel so bad if someone were to say to me " How come I can't find your blog anymore?" Ummmmmm, because I deleted you. Ouch. I can't do that to people.

Today, I had a random flashback. When I was married to my ex and living in Hawaii, I made friends with a bunch of the other Navy wives (and a few other very special Marine wives! Hi LaLa and Sarah). Well, one night I got a call from my friend "A's" husband. "A" was in the hospital, she was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency surgery. "A's" husband was wondering if I could come look after their two year old daughter. And of course, I rushed right over feeling so horrible for them. This was at the very beginning of my IF journey. For the next few days I took care of their little girl. And one of my "duties" was to drive her to see her mom at the hospital. Which meant installing a car seat. And that task (since it was my first time doing this) ended in tears. I couldn't figure it out and was so scared I wouldn't install it correctly. Finally I got it right and I think I even added some rope and duct tape in there for extra "safety" haha Exaggerating. But I was close to using it! :) I was paranoid that the seat belt straps would fail me. So their little girl and I ran errands, went for rides to visit her mom, and had lots of fun together. I remember one time while she was in the car, I was at a stop light and I looked in the rear view mirror. What I saw was such a precious moment for me. Not to be confused with the big eyed (creepy) precious moment figurines :) But a precious moment in life...where you are just in awe...

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw their beautiful daughter fast asleep in her car seat. Head resting to the side, sippy cup in one hand and her bunny in the other. My heart just melted because it made me have this "mom" feeling. This feeling of where you would give your life to protect this little girl. My heart just swelled thinking about how bad I wanted to be a mommy. And that was how I felt at the beginning of my IF struggle. Now, that feeling has been multiplied by three years and a loss.

I'll never forget that week with their little girl. It was like mommy "practice" for me. I'm no longer in touch with them, but I hope they were able to go on to have another beautiful baby...

I have an appt on Thursday at the RE's office. I was supposed to go tomorrow (day 3) but I called and asked if I could come on day 4 because I had work stuff going on. The nurse said that was fine since I wasn't doing any meds. Well, I get home and see the forecast for Thursday and we're supposed to get another storm! A smaller storm, but still enough to make driving the 1,000 miles to the clinic impossible. Ugh. I am just hoping the storm isnt too bad so I can go to my appt. Please go away winter! You are interfering with my kiddo makin plans! :(

And I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, and get you thinking " Am I one of the people she doesn't want reading her blog??" :) It's not anyone in particular, just sometimes I wish I didn't have to hold back...

But I guess I can't have my blog cake and eat it too :)

5 comments:

Seriously?! said...

I totally know what you mean about the public/private issue. I went hog wild and emailed everyone my address. In hindsight...I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I really need to vent about them!!! Maybe you can do some posts as a invite only? I think there's a way of doing that...I'm just not sure how.

JamieMoore said...

I did the same thing with telling everyone and then regretted it after. I finally got fed up and told people I deleted it but I truly just changed my URL so they couldn't find it anymore. So sad but true now I can have my blog cake and eat it TOO!

Jillington, a.k.a. the Polack said...

Bah! Be honest. It's YOUR blog. If people don't like it then they can make their own blog to write about it.

Amanda said...

This is the main reason why I haven't shared with people IRL...I just think it would change the way I write. But there are times when I'm so tempted to, because I love my blog and I want my friends and family to be a part of it, so I can totally see how you would have wanted that too.

Hard decision!

What you could you (more work though) is start a new email address and create a new blog using that email...so your new blogs wouldn't be associated with this one. Just a thought!

Amber said...

It's crazy that you just wrote this because I have several things going on right now that I really wish I could blog about!!! Maybe I shouldn't have told people IRL, but news spread fast about my blog and I didn't exactly invite most of them to follow... Tough call!