Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Can't stop Christmas...

It's like the Polar Express. It's coming fast, will definitely be on time and believe it or not, is full of magic. I have always loved Christmas and everything about it. This year however, I feel like I'm just pushing myself through it. I do have some Christmas spirit in me, but it's definitely not the same. Not as excited about Christmas shopping because money is tight. My honey and I put up lights outside the house and this weekend we are getting our tree. I'm excited but there's this cloud over me. Last year, we miscarried a few weeks before Christmas. THAT was tough. But for some reason I feel a little more sad this year. Probably, because right after the miscarriage we were so hopeful that we would get pregnant again right away. We thought for sure that since it happened once already, it was going to be somewhat easy to conceive again. Well, it's been a year already. A YEAR!!! 12 months has gone by. :(

And still no baby.

I'm hoping for some Christmas magic. I want to hop aboard the Polar Express and have Tom Hanks hole punch "B-A-B-Y" into my ticket. In the meantime, I'm going to try and let myself enjoy this holiday. And I'm going to start by watching Rudolph on TV tonight!

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! I got some much needed reassurance :)And I found out today our wedding photos will be here tomorrow or Thursday!! Moe-I had that Clear Blue Easy Monitor, but my ex-husband threw it away. All $300 of it. Yeahhhhh.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Getting it Together

The past six days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I go from feeling resilient to feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There have been quite a few tears with this past failed cycle. Yesterday probably took the cake. I'm finding it REALLY hard to be social. And if I do go out, the smile I show is a fake one. I'm just hurting so badly that most of the time my smiles are not sincere. I almost want to avoid social situations completely because I don't want anyone to think I'm being cold or a jerk. I don't want to bring people down. Yesterday, I was crying so hard that my hubby shed some tears too. He just wants to help me and take the hurt away, but feels so helpless. Infertility is so hard. It effects everyone around you, your friends, your family...

I'm thinking of maybe going to talk to someone, but I've tried that before and all I do is cry more. The counselor can't make me pregnant, but can take our money. Who knows, maybe it would help. Or maybe a group setting with other women who are struggling with IF. The only thing I'm afraid of with that is being a blubbering mess at every meeting. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about what the right thing is for me...

Everyone has their opinions about what I should do, drugs I should take, other doctors I should see. I've pretty much heard it all. Some the advice I get I welcome with open ears, because they are from people who have struggled with this too! But some advice, I'm like " Really? Are you hearing yourself right now?!" What my heart is telling me to do is to keep the faith and do what my doctor tells me to do. I can't be going in twenty different directions. Since I'm not doing a medicated/monitored cycle this month, I have my own little homemade recipe of how to cook up a natural Christmas miracle...

I'm going to buy the ovulation tracker pee stick things and use those. I've used them before, and they obviously didn't help, but who knows. I'll give it a try. And I think I might use what's left of my progesterone suppositories towards the end of the cycle. I know I shouldn't do that unmonitored. But my progesterone always seems to run low, so why not? And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to stab my myself with the leftover Bravelle. BUT I definitely know that could be dangerous, so that's not in this recipe :)

I just want to feel like I'm trying something in the next few weeks. It's really hard to just let this cycle go by without some plan of action. I feel like I'm "wasting" it. But I know my body needs a break...

I'm hoping our wedding photos arrive this week. That would be a nice "pick me up." It's going on almost three months now! And we are battling it out (sort of) with our photographer. We were told when we hired her that it would take 6-8 weeks to get the pictures. Fine, whatever, I know it takes awhile and we were totally okay with that! Then 8 weeks went by still no pictures. So I sent her a nice email asking what was going on with them. She tells me that she's a little behind because she got married in September too. First thought was, ok why didn't you mention this to us when we hired you? She then tells me that she's the only one who edits at her company. Another thing she failed to mention when we hired her. So she tells me that I will receive them no later than this past week. No photos still. When should I start being a bitch about it? I'm so annoyed at this point. We want to do xmas cards and gifts with these. And my hubby mentioned that maybe she somehow messed them up and is trying to scramble to fix them. He's ready to take a drive down to her studio!! I know wedding photos take awhile, but this is starting to aggravate me. She is paid in full and it's three months later with no pics. I went on her FB photography page and she has posts of a wedding she did on Halloween!!! And Maternity ones she did this past week! I don't get why our wedding that was almost three months ago, has been put on the back burner. Ugh.

The point of this post is that I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get myself together. I don't like being a victim to Infertility. I'm doing what I can.

And that's the best I can do right now...

Friday, November 26, 2010

A Love Story

Today was a nice day. My hubby and I put up Christmas lights outside and we cooked on our brand new grill tonight. It was a wedding gift and we just got around to use it! Something about cooking a summer meal in late November is so much fun. I'm getting anxious for our wedding photos to arrive so I can order holiday cards already! We are kind of in a battle with our photographer right now. Long story for another post!

I received a comment from a friend and I wanted to share it. Because I'm in love with the idea of this being a "Love Story" someday :)

"I know this probably isn't of much comfort to you, but during this time of painful waiting, just know you are writing a wonderful love story for your child. This will be a tale of ups and downs, hoping and dreaming for a special child and a family that feels complete to you. It isn't a question of "if", but of when and how. The love stories most parents tell their children begin in a delivery room on the day of their birth. When you finally get to share your love story with your child it will begin with "we wanted you so badly"...and any child's story that begins that way will most certainly feel lucky and loved."

xxoo -C

:)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My Life in Holidays...

Turns out, I didn't stop crying. I awoke in a great mood, made my birthday boy husband breakfast and started watching the parade. And then the sadness crept back in. Like it always manages to do.

I just got thinking of how every holiday I am wishing that I was pregnant. And after each one passes, I say to myself " Next (fill in the blank holiday) I'll be pregnant!" I'm so hopeful for each one. And then so heartbroken when I realize it won't be happening. I think this morning I was especially sad because of two reasons. We really thought this would be the most fantastic Thanksgiving ever, it's my hubby's birthday and we thought we would have great news to share. Also, I realized that last Thanksgiving we were pregnant. We didn't know it, but we were. What I would have given to just have known, to just have had that one holiday where I was completely glowing and overjoyed. Even though we miscarried two weeks later, I would have cherished that day, just to have KNOWN.

This Christmas is out of the question too, unless we are blessed with a (natural) miracle, since we won't be starting anything until the end of the month. I hate feeling like this, measuring my year by holidays that have passed where we still don't have a baby...

Today at my mom's was really tough. I tried my best to put on a happy face, but failed miserably. I had three glasses of wine within a one hour period. Then the numbness (I mean buzz) wore off and I started to feel sad again. It was so nice to see some family that I don't get to see that much. But I felt like a jerk for not being full of holiday happiness. I didn't want to bring them down. All I really wanted to do was to go home and lay with my husband on the couch and keep my miserable-ness to myself. Plus, AF arrived Tuesday night with a vengeance.

Will I ever feel like a normal person again? I know this is part of the process, and I have to give myself a few days to be sad and angry, but it's getting old. It's the same "process" every month. I am grieving...EVERY month :(

It's hard for some people to understand it all and how complicated these feelings are. The only people who truly understand are ones who have been through it themselves. I've turned into the anti-social girl with the constant broken heart.

I don't like being her. But I know that there's only one thing that will change that...

Today is my husband's birthday. He's an amazing guy and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He is always supportive and loving and makes me laugh even when I'm sad. I love you so much honey! I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else...

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorry this post was such a downer, I do know that I still have LOTS to be thankful for :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A "Thank You" on Thanksgiving Eve...

I'm not really in the mood to blog yet, but I just wanted to quickly thank everyone who has been supporting us, cheering us on and offering shoulders to cry on! I also want to thank all the other blog girls out there who never fail to send me encouraging messages...

I honestly could not get through all of this, without each and every one of you :)

Family, friends, bloggers, strangers! All of you out there!

I'm thankful that I've stopped crying. Everyone's love and support has given me the strength to get up and brush myself off. And to try again. I think we are going to start another injectible cycle/IUI around Christmas...

I'm still heartbroken and angry. But all there is to do is to move forward. To keep going. Keep hoping...

Oh, and I am going to indulge in lots of Pinot Grigio tomorrow at dinner. I need a DRINK! :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

100th Post

BFN.


Starting spotting last night. Woke up today with what could be compared to a Migraine and cramps from hell. I had to call in to work. The blood work this morning confirmed what I knew in my heart last night.

I can't believe this.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm frustrated.

When should I consider IVF? I have a horrible feeling that IVF is going to be the only thing that works for us. We would need to have $3,500 up front by the end of January. Which honestly probably won't happen :( Part of me just wants to start the adoption process, although I know that's big bucks too. What I don't want is another three years of this. I'm taking this next cycle off, mainly because of $$ issues but also I'm just so pissed. I feel like my body has failed me one too many times...

With every BFN I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall at 90 miles an hour. Something's gotta give.

I hate this :( I HATE THIS!

Happy F****** Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Birthdays, Belly Cramps and the Big Day...

BIRTHDAYS...

I'm finally able to talk about something that I haven't been able to the last few weeks! I threw my husband a surprise 30th Birthday party at a local sports bar here. He loved it and was TOTALLY surprised! It was great! He reads my blog so I haven't been able to post anything about it. His real birthday is on Thanksgiving. But it went great! It was a fun time and my husband really loved it :) I'm so glad I did it...

BELLY CRAMPS...

I'm bummed to say that I have been having mild cramps on and off for the last two days. It's really bringing me down, even though I'm trying SO hard to remain hopeful!! But this is just an all too familiar feeling that I can't shake. One minute I am SURE that I'm pregnant and the other minute I'm just so sad to possibly experience more disappointment. "The Girls" are still feeling weird, but other than that...I got nothin.' Just hope I guess. My husband woke up barfing his brains out last night. It was a fun time had by all. Poor guy. Hope its not a bug going around. I think it was maybe too much surprise party fun!

BIG DAY...

Tomorrow is test day. I have a super early appt for my blood work. Although, I'm not going to check the message or check the results online until I get home from work in the evening. Whatever the outcome, I want to be home with my husband for that. Tonight I am going to being praying hard. And tomorrow I'm going to be wearing the sea turtle earrings my mom gave me. Sea turtles are a symbol of fertility, supposedly. But even though they didn't work the first time, I'm giving them a second chance :) I'm also going to put that 4 leaf clover in my pocket that my friend from work gave me.

So, tomorrow evening I will write my 100th post. And I'm hoping that I have the most wonderful news to share with you all...

Any prayers are very much appreciated!! :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

11 days post IUI

And I'm not really sure what to think. I told myself I wasn't going to think about it at all, but come on lets face it, that's IMPOSSIBLE!

The past two days I've been feeling a little out of it I guess. Last night I felt like I was going to pass out almost. Maybe I was just really tired. A little boy in my class sneezed directly into my mouth on Friday. Really gross. And I'm praying that I don't get sick! I have been having some twinges here and there, some boob soreness. But honestly, nothing for the record books. So who knows. I will say that I feel a bit "different" but this could all be in my head.

Please God, don't let this all be in my head. Please make me the happiest girl in the world on Tuesday. I'm just ready for it to be our turn. Ready for this nightmare to over. We are good people and deserve this. We deserve to have a child and not 5 years from now, in 9 months!

I wonder if God signs on to Blogger and reads our blogs. That would be great. Being since I left something for him in the paragraph above :)

I guess beggers can't be choosers, but wow am I ready! I just want to be happy. Not that I'm not happy now, but you IF girls know what I mean...


Time to go relax. I've been go go go all day. And now I just want to stop stop stop. The couch is calling me.

Oh! And thank you to everyone who commented on my blogs the other day. I guess I can add paranoia to my list of possible preggo symptoms :)

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Girls.

Ok, so there's something up with The Girls (aka my boobs). TMI warning (Dad and Jim if you're reading!). For the past two days, they are hurting a bit. I keep sort of hitting them to try and remember if that's how they normally feel or if this possibly could be a good sign. And I'm more aware of them, like they've become their own being in the past few days. Not to mention spilling out of my bra a little! They just feel bigger and heavy and weirddddd...

Dammit! Why do The Girls have to do this to me!!! Getting my hopes up like that!? Because of course now I'm happy that they are uncomfortable because I'm thinking it could be good news...

Tuesday can't come soon enough. I really want to know if I will be drinking heavily at Thanksgiving dinner or if I will be overjoyed at the fact that I CAN'T drink!! I'm not a big drinker anyways, but I definitely know I'm gonna need a glass of wine (or four) if the news isn't good.

Can someone please do this crazy girl a favor and comment on one of my recent blogs? I have a feeling it's not working right OR my blogs are just really lame and no one cares :) If it doesn't seem to work, please let me know by email sarahjd47@yahoo.com

Thanks :)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Too tired to blog, so I'm posting a quote...

Plus, I have to keep up with blogging because I have to write my 100th post on Tuesday :)



"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
-- Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross

Do you know a lot of beautiful people?

I do :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pissed off at pickles.

So, if anyone is wondering if I have any symptoms yet, that would be a no. Well, there's maybe one or two but I'm afraid to label them as symptoms. Remember last cycle when I devoured a jar of pickles in two days? And I thought for sure I was pregnant? Yeahhhh. Turned out I was just a gross person who can eat a whole jar of pickles by herself in two days. Disturbing. I'm kind of pissed off at pickles, they tricked me last time. Anyways...:)

I have had a little soreness in the boob area. I find myself sort of punching them to see if it's my bra that's bothering me or are they really sore? I've also been getting up to use the bathroom twice in the middle of the night now, instead of just once. The thing is, is that if I am pregnant with the best Thanksgiving/Christmas/Husband's birthday present ever, I'm only a few days along. So realistically, the whole pressure on the bladder situation wouldn't be happening yet. I do remember "last time" though when I was around 4 weeks along and didn't know it, I was getting up twice in the middle of the night and didn't understand why!! The sore boobs could also be the progesterone maybe? I think I've read it can do that.

Who knows!!! I don't even want to fall in love with these "symptoms" because the only thing that will be truthful is the blood test next Tuesday. A good friend of mine has had some trouble getting pregnant again too. She texted me today that she is having her HSG next week and they are sending her to my clinic for it. The crazy thing is, is that it's the same day as my pregnancy test! I happen to think it's a good sign for both of us!! My appointment is an hour before hers, so I won't see her. But I just have this good feeling about it :)

Last night my sweet husband surprised me with a rose and chicken tacos!! It was yummy! And he knows that since I'm trying to diet during the week, he bought Weight Watchers shredded cheese! Which I though was super cute. He loves me that much that he's willing to eat no-flavor cheese :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hope.

During my early college years, while taking a few classes at The College of Saint Rose, I stumbled upon something that would have a great impact on me...

In an English course I was taking, one of our assignments was to choose a poem and memorize it. Then present it to the class. Back then, public speaking terrified me. I wasn't sure I could even do it. But I did. Somehow. And I really can't remember where I found this poem or why I chose it. But one things for sure, I NEVER forgot it. Interestingly enough, it resonates into my infertility struggles that I have today. Hope is a huge thing for me right now...

The poem I chose was...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope
by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ironic, isn't it? The only poem I have memorized to carry with me forever is one about Hope. Sometimes I really do think that every little decision and every little step or direction we take, leads us to where we are supposed to be. Even if it's years later...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Most Wanted Surrogates in the World

I was watching the movie "Baby Mama" last night. So funny! I've seen it so many times, but it still cracks me up. The movie got me thinking about surrogacy and this article I read in Glamour's November issue.

The article was about how military wives are the most wanted surrogates in the world. Why you ask? Well, as Glamour states, "Cash-strapped and alone on the home front, some military wives are making a living by carrying babies for other couples." I love Glamour, but that opening statement paints this picture of military wives being desperate or something. I myself was once a military wife. And I feel torn about this article. Because on one hand it's like they are saying, well military wives must not be able to have a career so they are going to get paid to have a baby instead. There are so many military wives out there who are well educated and have great careers, plus kids of their own! I can imagine that for many of them, adding "carrying someone else's child" to their to-do list can be a bit much!

My other view on this is that of respect. I think surrogacy is a beautiful thing. Even though most surrogates get paid, it's still such a gift to give to someone who cannot have a baby on their own. The military wife who they interviewed for the article, was 8mths pregnant with another couple's child. And is considering doing it again someday. She was quoted saying " People who don't approve of surrogacy often say, 'If God wanted a couple to have a baby, he would have made it so that they could.' But if I can give my kidney to someone who needs it, why not give a baby to someone who can't have one?" Another reason military wives are in high demand is because instead of the usual cost of a surrogate which can be $100,000-$120,000 it's about $25,000-$40,000.

I give this woman a lot of credit. Here she is with two young children of her own, a husband on deployment and another couple's baby baking in her belly. Now, that's a hard days work! Not to mention the emotional and physical exhaustion.

I'd like to say that I would be a surrogate for someone, someday. But the harsh truth is I can't even make a baby for my husband and I! :) I would definitely FAIL the surrogacy test...

Rock on Surrogates. We, infertiles, thank you. :)

Curtain Calls and Baby Laughter...

This morning hubby put up the curtains in our bedroom. It feels good to get stuff done around here. Even if it's little by little. Our spare room is just full of boxes and it's very overwhelming. This afternoon my mom and stepdad came by to help me hang the living room curtains. They rock. And now the living room is even cozier! Still lots to do in the house, but we are just going to take it one day at a time. Especially because we have bigger things on our mind.

Last night hubby and I watched the new Karate Kid movie. And then after we were looking at random YouTube videos on his new Droid phone (which is amazing btw). We came across one of a baby laughing and it was so funny. My hubby was laughing so hard he was in tears almost. I just hope in 9 months or so we will have a baby right in front of us, making us laugh. No more YouTube babies...

Got some sad news this morning from a friend in Hawaii. She miscarried at 10 weeks. I'm hurting for her because I absolutely hate that this can happen to people. It's just so hard and unfair. And devastating. It's a different degree of pain. I am thinking of her and praying that her heart will heal soon...

Hope everyone had a nice Sunday. GO CHIEFS!! :)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

You are my Sunshine.

I found another commercial that makes me cry.

The new Chevy one with the newborn babies? Yeahhhhhh. Just saw it yesterday and by the end tears were flowing...

And throughout the whole commercial they play "You are my Sunshine." Which has always been a special song for me, because my mom sang that to me when I was a baby...

Damn you commercials!! I'm doing fine and then WHAM! :)

It's been a nice Saturday. Indian summer here in NY and it's sunny and kind of warm! Hubby made the best breakfast sandwich ever this morning and I've just been doing stuff around the house today. Laundry, playing with Nole-the-Dog, and I made cupcakes. Ever just feel the need to bake???

What I really wish I was doing is shopping for clothes or Christmas shopping! My wardrobe is in need of a serious makeover, but no money to do it. Sighhhh.

Oh, and I think I'm going to fly out to Arkansas and hang out with the Duggars for awhile. Maybe their super fertile-ness will rub off on me. I heard their son and daughter-in-law are pregs again. Shocker. But I did hear she had a miscarriage, so naturally I feel a little bad for being jealous of their freaky fertility...

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Fall weekend...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thankful for a break.

I was thinking today how nice it is not to have to go to the clinic every other day and get poked and prodded. How nice it is to not have to shell out a bunch of money for co-pays for each of those visits. And not having to get up extra early to make it to the pre-work appts is great! And extremely nice not to have to do shots every night. This two week wait is also a two week break! I'm starting to think about what the next plan is, IF we need one. We won't. But if we do, I was thinking that we would take a break in December. Money is just not good right now and the holidays are coming. Basically, we can't really afford to try again right now. The co-pays alone put a big dent in things. So IF we need a plan, the plan will be "no plan." Probably just start again in January.

But we don't need a back up plan. :)

Maybe some of you are wondering what happened with all my computer troubles. Well, we got my desktop working. But I feel like it's a dinosaur. And we don't have a desk for it. So right now it's up on an end table and I'm sitting on a pillow on the floor. I really like using a lap top. So having to get used to this again is tough. But I am thankful that it's working!!

I somehow managed to fix the background on my blog. I hope it's visible to you all! Still needs some tweaking, but I am much happier with this look.

I was kind of freaking out the last few days. Tuesday after the IUI I felt really naucious and sick. And then Wednesday morning I woke up with awful cramping and a bloated feeling. Immediately all I could think of was the OHSS syndrome. Where the ovaries are overstimulated and it can be life threatening. So I called the dr and they said not to worry unless the pain increases and I feel short of breath. The nurse said it sounds like it could be ovulation pain. Which would be fabulous. But of course, I think the worse. That I'll end up in th ER in serious trouble and with a failed cycle. But thankfully I was feeling a little better today!! And my fears of OHSS are subsiding.

I was told that envisioning conception can help it happen. Very "meditation-like" but hey, I'll do anything at this point. So randomly throughout the day I think about a sperm and an egg meeting up and making a home in my lining. And then I laugh about it because I realize I'm picturing the opening scene in the movie " Look Who's Talking." :)

This is my 90th blog post!! Guess what I'm saving my 100th for? :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

IUI complete...

But I'm feeling like crap. Good thing I had today off to rest, because this IUI was a bit different. The first nurse couldn't get the speculum right, because she said my cervix was tilted? Hmmm. So she tried with three different ones and finally had to go get help. The next nurse has some trouble also, but finally got it! It's so much fun having a variety of people all up in my lady business. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that! But the IUI was extremely crampy and uncomfortable, but at least its over! And I'm not going to look into that as a bad sign that they had trouble! I'm just not. So, today I pretty much rested and tried to nap but was feeling really naucious for some reason. Some cramping too.

Now on to the 2ww and we'll find out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving! Yikes. I mean, YAYYY! :)

I'm kind of exhausted at pushing the "positive thoughts" thing on myself these last few cycles. So maybe I just won't think about it at all :) And get some great news in two weeks...

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned in my blog about my 911 "thing." I can try to explain but some of you might think I'm a wacko. Well, anyways, for years now I always seem to glance at the clock when it says 9:11. Morning or night. This doesn't happen all the time but it happens enough to sort of freak me out. And then I got thinking that maybe it means something. I'm a big "signs" person :) When we were on our honeymoon, right after the first IUI, the number of the condo we were staying at was 19111. So I thought maybe that was a good sign, turns out it wasn't. But a girl dream right? And then today I realized it's 11-9. Hmmmm. Technically "911" means an emergency and of course the date of the twin towers, but I guess I'm hoping my 911 "thing" has a happy meaning behind it...

We'll see :) Ok, back to the couch...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Snow and IUI #2 a go!

Today it snowed here in upstate New York, ladies. And it was wonderful. Big fat snowflakes. All. Day. Long. Came as a surprise too, because the forecasters in the morning were just saying rain and maybe some sleet. I even drove in it on my lunch break. Something about being out in the first snow is kind of magical in a way. The drive home wasn't so fun, but that's ok. Mother Nature is breaking us in already. I better look for my snow boots soon...

Had my appt this morning. Everything is going well! Better than ever, actually. Another nurse commented again about it being a "beautiful cycle." So, tomorrow is our IUI and I'm so hopeful. Extremely hopeful. I am ready to rock n roll. My mom gave me the trigger shot tonight, and I would love if that's the last shot I ever have to do...

I have the day off from work tomorrow, thanks to some very understanding co-workers. So, I can just chill out after the IUI and relax.

Today has me excited for all the good things to come, the holidays, snow, a baby...

Wish us luck! Actually, no, not luck. We need some kind of miracle here. :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Chicken Wings

Last night I had a mini breakdown. I think I was just overwhelmed with the broken computer and other stresses that are going on. My "diet" that I started a few weeks ago, consists of not drinking regular soda anymore and eating weight watchers smart ones meals 4-5 nights a week. So basically Friday and Saturday are my cheat days. We decided we were going to order pizza and wings for dinner. I had been craving them all day. Well, hubby gets home from picking up dinner and no wings. The fryer was broken at the pizza place. Has anyone had a moment where something very minor pushes you over the edge? Well, that's what happened last night. No wings plus being overwhelmed with life, equals disaster. I started sobbing. About everything. The broken computer (which we aren't going to fix because of the ridiculous cost), money, fertility stuff. Everything just came down on me at once. And I lost it.

As my husband was consoling me in my chicken wing freak out, the doorbell rang. It was my mom and stepdad. They were stopping by on their way to dinner to give me my shot. So, of course they saw me in breakdown mode. My mom gave me the shot and they headed to dinner.

It wasn't the chicken wings that made me sad. The chicken wings just were symbolic of everything that seemed to be going wrong. And lately I have this irrational fear of losing people close to me. I don't know what I'd do if my mom wasn't around when I have a baby. And I have fear of my husband not being around either. I'm trying to kick these thoughts. But I guess I'm just so fragile right now, that the thought of losing my two strongest supporters and the two people I love the most, makes me sick.

After we finished our pizza and salad last night the doorbell rang again. It was my mom with a take out box in her hand.

She brought me wings...

And I cried and laughed. I think it was a line from Steel Magnolias where Dolly Parton says, " Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tonight, the part of Pin Cushion will be played by Sarah...

Hi everyone! Just wanted to update my blog quick while I have a a computer. Borrowing my mom's for the night. Ours is still being fixed and it's been rough going without one for a week!! The computer tech guys called today and basically said our laptop is a p.o.s. Which it pretty much is. It's old, banged up and full of viruses and other problems. They did what they could but said the hardrive could crash anyday. So, we are hoping to at least get to Christmas with it. I rely on the internet so much! For bills, for email, for blogging, for FB stalking. haha.

This cycle is going "beautifully" the nurse said yesterday! Yay! Music to my ears. My lining is super thick and I have about four lead follicles. I go back on Monday for another appt and then they are thinking Tuesday for the IUI!!! Please let this be it! The shots have been a pain in the ass. Well, pain in the stomach I should say. I've become a pro at mixing the meds though, which is amazing because I hate even looking at needles. And if you were to watch me prepare the shots, you would think I graduated from nursing school! I guess I am in "do what I have to do" mode. I know this will all be worth it. A big thank you to my mom who has been giving me the shots everyday. That's one thing I know I couldn't do is give them to myself. I'd probably end up stabbing an organ or something. Or the needle would break off in my stomach or something weird like that. Not kidding, that's my luck :)

Speaking of luck, I received one of the nicest gifts from a friend/boss this week. She wrote me the sweetest letter and said that she was going through some of her old things and found something that might help me. As it was given to her by a friend a long time ago when she was going through a hard time. Enclosed in a jewelry case was a real four leaf clover. She told me she didn't need the luck anymore and that hopefully it will be of good use to me. And that I should pass it on, when I don't need it anymore. This really was one of the best gifts I've ever received. There are a lot of bad people in this world, but this gesture was a reminder that there are a lot more good people out there...

The gift I gave my mom's co-worker (mentioned in my last post) was well received. My mom said she cried and that she said " This is going to look beautiful on my little girl, and what I'm gonna do is save it for Sarah when she has her little girl." I'm so glad I did that. It felt so right.

It's been pretty busy the last few weeks. We are still unpacking and getting settled into the house. And I've been exhausted getting up extra early to go to appts every other day. Infertility and all it's baggage is so exhausting in every way! I really give all of you out there who are struggling with this, so much credit. Not to mention the overwhelming financial aspect of it!!!

I figured it out that if I have the IUI on Tuesday, after the 2ww, we would be getting the news right before Thanksgiving. Which is so exciting, and at the same time nervewrecking. I can't even describe how much I want this to work out. I don't want to be sad on Thanksgiving. I want to be giving thanks for so much more this year. Hopefully we will be :)

Maybe with the help of a four leaf clover...