A Toast to Rockstar

Dear Rockstar,

You are a few months away from entering this world. And you're due to make your appearance just before Christmas. You are gonna be the best Christmas present your mom and dad ever received! So you should feel pretty darn good about that. I've never met your parents. But I have followed their journey to conceive you for quite awhile, and just let me say you have kick-ass parents. Your Mom has broadened my vocabulary with the phrase "HFS!" which I absolutely love. You'll have to ask her what it stands for someday. Your mom has been writing about her journey to you on this blog and there are people out here in the blog world who have falling in love with you too. Your mom is always there to lend supportive comments to her blog friends when they need it most. And on this day, during her "blog baby shower" we honor her and your daddy and you too, baby rockstar. Someday I'm sure your parents will tell you about how your dad proposed and how your mom told your dad you were on the way. It all happened by way of Scrabble. Yes, this is a game you will learn someday. It involves lots of letters, numbers, and thinking. It's fun, trust me. But you might want to start out with something more basic, like Candyland or Operation. Just sayin. Any of your Mom's blog friends who want to check out her awesome (and very memorable) Scrabble post can do so here. And to continue with the Scrabble theme, the onesie above is for you Rockstar. May you wear it (and spit up all over it) with pride. Since you are expected to arrive around Christmas, baby Rockstar, I will leave you with one of the best holiday songs of all time. And perfectly appropriate, for the little rocker you are...

With Love,

Sarah

Congratulations Josey and Charlie! We can't wait to meet baby Rockstar :)

Sooo our first OB appt got moved up...

to TODAY.

Sunday night I started having some cramping and pain. I tried to remain calm, as I've been having some digestive issues and I just thought maybe it was that. But after a few hours, I realized it felt different. A little more on the pain side as opposed to discomfort. I wasn't having any bleeding so that was good. I thought maybe I had a UTI? Anyways, I went to bed that night, barely slept from the pain/discomfort and was constantly in the bathroom checking for blood. Monday morning I was on my way to the fertility clinic just to sign some papers. So I called my OB and told them about my situation and they didn't seem that concerned since I wasn't bleeding. They said they didn't have any ultrasound openings that day, and it would be too early to check for a heartbeat on the doppler. But they said they could take me first thing in the morning and to go home and rest, lots of fluids, blah blah blah. The pain continued through the day/night. I wasn't doubled over or anything, just very very uncomfortable with twinges of pain and back pressure.

You better believe I was so scared for this appointment this morning. It's so hard not to think of all that could go wrong when you are having pain issues. I had my family freaking out too. I kept having visions of me leaving the office in tears. But I prayed so hard that everything would be okay with the baby!

And it was :)

The baby is doing great! Heart beat is good and it was even moving around a bit today :) The u/s tech said "this baby has some attitude already." Because every time she'd try to get a good picture the baby would move or hide :) She even started out doing the u/s on my stomach which was cool, because I'm so sick of the dildo cam. And when she let us listen to the heart beat I burst out in tears, just so relieved that it was still going. But then later she had to do an internal ultrasound to check my cervix for anything that might be causing the pain. The hematoma has gotten a lot smaller but is still there.

So, thankfully baby is doing well but they can't pinpoint what's causing the pain. My UTI test came back negative and so they think it's just digestion issues or pregnancy stretching. Also, today I had an appointment with my primary doctor for a check up and had to wait over an hour in the waiting room! It was okay though, he's a nice guy and takes his time with his patients. But good thing I didn't have to be anywhere.

I'm so doctored out. I basically collapsed on the couch when I got home. But I am so happy that our little miracle is doing just fine :) Thank you GOD!

I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Kristen! She is such a special friend and one of my biggest cheerleaders! Love you! I hope your birthday wish comes true :)

Chocolate and Hair Dye

What are your thoughts on dying your hair during pregnancy? And what about eating chocolate? I have been avoiding chocolate because it has caffeine in it, and I have completely cut out caffeine since before transfer. I know it's okay to some caffeine in the day, but I don't want to risk it. So does that mean I shouldn't eat chocolate chip cookies? Or chocolate ice cream?

Also, I was blond until I was about 5 and then it turned dirty blonde. So I have been dying my hair blonde since early high school. I've been avoiding doing my roots because I'm scared it will hurt the baby! I've read online that it's okay, but I don't know. If I let my hair grow out it's going to be half black half yellow! Of course, Ill do anything to keep the baby safe, but what do you think, can I do my roots? Should I wait until a few more weeks for the second trimester? Or should I invest in a lot of hats? And just to let you know, most of time I don't look good in hats :)

Grape

9 weeks today!! And baby is the size of a grape. Like I said in previous posts, the nausea has kicked in but mostly in the afternoon/evening. I'm usually down for the count for a few hours when this happens. Have I told you how much I love Saturdays? It feels great to be getting through these weekly milestones.

Are anyone else's allergies K-I-L-L-I-N-G them??? Last night I woke up at 4am with a runny nose and I must have sneezed a hundred times. It's been like this for a week or two. I take an allergy pill everyday but it doesn't seem to be doing much. When I woke up at 4 my stomach was growling so I came out to the living room had a bowl of cereal and fell back asleep on the couch (between waking up to blow my nose)!

TVT

This is my first time participating in "TVT: Thought Vomit Thursdays." This was created by the lovely Oak. And that's her baby boy in the picture above. TVT is where you can just post in bullet points all the crazy things going on in your head. The best thing about it is you don't have to write a coherent post. And, to add a little extra edgy-ness to it, might as well not worry about speling or gramar either. Purposely, spelled those words wrong for effect :) So here it goes...

• I've realized that I do not experience morning sickness. Instead, I experience all afternoon and evening sickness. I haven't thrown up (very grateful for that) but I do have some pretty intense nausea in the afternoons/evenings. It's not all that fun. But I will gladly take it. I even talk to my belly and say " Hi baby, I don't care if you give mommy nausea just please keep growing." Hopefully LM (Lil'Miracle) is using his/her listening ears. "Listening ears" is teacher talk for " Stop goofing around and listen up kid." :)
• This pregnancy is not doing very nice things to my grill. Like I said awhile back, I'm growing a beard. And now I have these giant zits showing up. I usually have pretty good skin. But lately, I'm feeling like I need to wear a paper bag over my face. But just to clarify I will gladly take bad skin and a beard over no baby.
• I despise spiders. I really do. And to make matters worse, I woke up this morning to one crawling on my arm. I brushed it off my arm and leaped out of bed. And then I couldn't find it. All spiders must die. Sorry if you like spiders. When I lived in Hawaii I had the worst spider experience EVER. I found the creepiest, biggest, ugliest spider Ive ever seen sitting a a wall hanging in my bathroom. When it saw me it started crawling really fast into the shower. And what scared me the most was it's leg span. It's legs were so long and creepy and FAST. Somehow I managed to kill it with raid, windex, hairspray and shower cleaner. It still to this day creeps me out.
• I'm considering making a TV chart for all the new shows that are out. I can't keep track! I'm excited to watch "Whitney" tonight. And last night I watched "Revenge" which I wasn't sure I wanted to get into, but it was pretty good. "Up all night" is pretty funny. And I'm sure there are others, but I just can't keep track!
• Is it weird I already have our Christmas card designed? And yes, it does involve Lil' Miracle.
• Red Velvet Cupcake candles from Target are the bomb, btw. Go get one.
• I want to be a co-host on The View.

There you have it, my first TVT.

Graduation Day

Today I got the boot. No more RE. Off to the OB I go!! I have mixed emotions about this. As we were leaving the office my sweet husband wanted to track some nurses down and thank them for everything, and I was booking it out the door only because I was about to burst into tears! I'm both sad and happy about this transition. I just feel like we've been through so much at the RE's office and it's shocking that we've actually achieved our goal to become pregnant. Meaning, it's time to go...time to move on...

I like the RE's office. The nurses and doctors seem to really care and the once a week monitoring has been great. Even though Im terrified at every u/s, it's still reassuring to know that things are going okay. One of the nurses (the one I wasn't too happy with months ago) is now my new BFF. I was using the bathroom after the appt and I could hear her and my husband talking outside. When I came out she gave me a huge hug and said to come visit and call anytime. It's funny how things change, at one point I hated having her as my nurse and now I've come to really like her! When we got out to the car I burst into tears. It's going to be such an adjustment not going there anymore! We decided to go back to our old OB. We had looked up a few others, but in the end just decided to head back there. The RE's office was faxing over my file today and when I got home I called to make my first appointment. I was already slapped with the reality of how regular OB visits go down. I said to the receptionist that "my fertility clinic just released me and I need to make an appt for my 11 wk ultrasound" and she quickly replied "Oh we dont do ultrasounds on your first visit." And I said "Ohhhhhhh" in a very deflated voice. She then put me on hold and came back and said that I could make my appointment and then the dr would decide that day if I need an u/s or not. Which means, I am going to BEG for an u/s that day. All I want is to hear the heartbeat again. Just one more time, before the real long wait begins for an u/s each month. So October 10th is our first OB visit!

Lil' Miracle is doing well. Unfortunately, the nurse said the baby was in a ball so it was hard to get a good measurement. Which she said the baby could be measuring a few days behind, but that it was most likely because it was all curled up. Of course all I heard was "might be measuring a few days behind" and I freaked out. But she assured us it wasn't a big deal. And then the heartbeat which was around 137 last week was 170 today. Which seemed really high to me. But she said everything is fine, that the heart beat fluctuates, etc. She did point out the umbilical cord and how you could see the heart beat in the cord matching the beat of the heart, which was good. It's just so hard for me when a medical professional tells me "everything is great" to really believe it. I know, I have issues. But this is what infertility has done to me. I find myself becoming increasingly more happy and relaxed, but all those worries are still very much there. And it's hard to let go of them all. Which I'm sure is hard for people to understand. "You're finally pregnant! You should just be happy and enjoy it!" Easier said that done. I feel like there are two Sarah's. One Sarah is in shock and completely overjoyed that we are pregnant! That same Sarah is the one researching baby stuff online, picking out names, dreaming of a nursery, and feeling very blessed. The other Sarah is scared out of her mind that she is going to lose this baby and is not letting go of the worry because it's a defense mechanism...

I haven't been blogging too much, because I guess I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Sometimes it's hard to sign on to here and be reminded of all the horror stories out there. But then again, it's nice to sign onto here and here about all the miracles as well :)

Today I am so thankful to have heard the baby's heartbeat again. Matt even recorded it on his phone, so I can listen to it anytime.

So I've cried three times today so far. The first time was when we were leaving the RE's office. The second time was while I was watching a water birth on A Baby Story (so not for me btw!) but I started balling my eyes out when the baby was born. And then third time was just now, when I saw that Pampers commercial again. You know the the one? "Whether she's ten years late, whether she's through IVF, every baby is a little miracle." Yeah, that one. Sobbing :)

We've graduated from the RE's office. But maybe we'll be back there one day for one of our frozen embies. I bought a Thank You card to send to the clinic and at some point I'd like to donate any meds I have left back to the clinic, as they were so generous in donating to us...

**Just noticed "Graduation Day" is my 300th post!**

Baby Goodies

My Aunt Janie made this for the baby. She likes to knit and in one of her knitting books she found this "Baby Cocoon." Kind of looks like an upside down giant hat! Also, could be nicknamed the baby burrito. It's really cute and so sweet of her to give us our first "knitted" baby gift!

My friend Lauren also sent us this book! She says it's hilarious :) Can't wait to start reading it!

We have another appointment tomorrow morning. Scared as usual but hoping to hear that strong little heartbeat again :) Yesterday evening I had the worst nausea I've had so far! Could barely move. Ginger ale seems to help a little.

Kidney Bean

Today is 8 weeks! And Lil' Miracle is the size of a kidney bean....

It's been a lazy Saturday. I'm super tired and even though there are things to be done, I'm choosing to lay on the couch and watch movies. And I'm completely okay with that :) Haven't even showered yet!

Happy 8 weeks, baby. We love you! Keep growing!! :)

Hanging in there...

Things are going okay. I still get sad at times throughout the day that the second baby didn't make it. It's definitely an adjustment in the heart and in the mind. But we are still loving on our lil' miracle and praying that he or she continues to do well!! I haven't really documented much in the last week in terms of how I'm feeling physically. But the nausea kicked in about a week and half ago, no vomiting yet (lucky I know!) but I have had moments of nausea and a day here and there of all day nausea. It sucks, but nothing I can't handle. And I'm grateful that I'm not throwing up. I have been have strange food aversions and cravings. I go from thinking nothing sounds good to eat, to everything sounds good to eat. I used to love macaroni and cheese and now I won't touch it with a ten foot pole. Just the thought of it makes me gag for some reason. I still love cheese, but just macaroni and cheese is grossing me out. Been eating a lot of fruit. I ate three oranges in a row the other night. Excessive, I know. But I couldn't help myself. And my cravings don't last long. I'll crave something and then the next day I could care less. For example, the other night (during my meat craving stage) I had to have Hamburger Helper. Now, I haven't had that since I was like 12. So I made it..ate/enjoyed it. And just looking at the leftovers and smelling it made me want to throw up! For breakfast I usually have cheerios and milk with bananas cut up in it or eggs and toast. Also consuming lots of OJ and pickles. For example, for lunch today I am heating up some frozen french fries and having pickles as a side :)

So I guess my eating habits while pregnant range from healthy to gross. But that's how I roll I guess. I've also been eating lots of yogurt. I kind of have a constant slight headache (Yes, Im getting enough fluids) and Ill have some twinges and cramps here and there that of course freak me out..but I just try to remind myself it's the baby making room!!! Shockingly, we don't have a scale at my house, so I don't really know what I weight now and what I weighed before IVF/baby. I know I gained some weight during IVF and Im sure a few pounds since but Im not going to obsess over it. Once I get to the OB and they start weighing me, Ill probably get a scale for home. I've also been sleeping a lot. I get tired during the day, and even though I can take a nap, sometimes I don't. My sleep at night is interrupted by tossing and turning and about 3 bathroom visits. So I do sleep in a bit most mornings. I'm trying not to do too much. From what I read resting is good for a SCH, so that my body can absorb it.

Last night my mom brought us over dinner and 2 baby sleepers :) It's seems so strange to have a few baby things hanging in the spare room already, but I really like it. Reminds me that this is really happening :)

Ok, pickles and french fry time...

God gave me cookies.

So after our bittersweet appointment this morning, I went to Target (like I had mentioned) to force myself to buy a onesie. Which I did. I also roamed the junk food aisle looking for something worthy of a little bit of emotional-overeating. To my surprise, there in the cookie aisle was a gift from God. You know those Girl Scout Samoa cookies? The ones you can only get once a year, during a month long window of opportunity for like $5.00 a box? Overpriced and not very many cookies in the box, but those Girl Scout's know their way to our hearts. Anyways, these Samoa cookies are so good! And today, in the Target cookie aisle I saw the brother to the Girl Scout Samoa cookies! Keebler came out with it's own version called "Coconut Dream." They are really good! Taste the same as the Samoas! Thank you God for giving me cookies when I needed them most....

Have I mentioned that I hate cramps, twinges, symptoms in general! They make me crazy. And all my "symptoms" seem to be exaggerated after I get not so great news. All I can think about is this hematoma attacking my baby. But I'm trying really hard to trying to visualize it shrinking and our Miracle baby kicking it's ass. Go back to Hematoma Hell, you are not wanted in my babymaker.

I wish I had a recording of the baby's heartbeat today, I would play it every five minutes....

Thanks for all your supportive comments/emails. Helps a lot :)

Hold on tight...

This experience has been such a roller coaster. From finding out we're pregnant, to seeing the baby on the u/s, to a bleeding scare, to finding out there was twins! Today was our 7wk3days ultrasound and I guess I'll start with the bad news first....

The second baby stopped growing:( I am so very sad. I knew this was a possibility, but I really wasn't thinking it would happen. They also found a subchorionic hematoma. They said it it looks "grainy" which means my uterus is trying to absorb it, but that I could experience some bleeding or none at all. Of course, I asked if this will hurt the baby, they said "No." But I don't necessarily believe that. Everything I've researched on it (so far) says it can increase the risk for miscarriage. Great.

The good news, no the great news, is that the first baby (our Lil' Miracle!) is growing and still going strong! We even got to hear the heartbeat today which was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. He or she also has a little body forming, a big ole head and eye sockets I think? It was pretty cool to see. It was a beautiful sight amongst the ugly hematoma and our sad little twin that didn't make it :(

I left the doctor's office with mixed emotions. Happy and grateful to have one miracle growing, but unbelievably sad that the other baby stopped growing and that now there is a hematoma threatening my baby. In the past week we had fallen in love with these babies and it's really hard to readjust my mind and heart to the fact that the twin is gone...

We know you were there baby #2, we know you were trying so hard to grow and we will always love you...

I'm worried because my blood pressure and heart rate was high. Even before the u/s started!! I get it, God, I get the message. I know this pregnancy is not going to be easy. 7 weeks in and it's already been such a roller coaster.

We're just gonna have to hold on tight...

We are so blessed and grateful to have one miracle going strong. I just pray that the hematoma goes away and leaves my baby alone! Please, God, begging here...

After my appointment, Matt had to go to work but I decided to run into Target. I was really sad but I forced myself to go to the baby section and buy something. Anything. Something to remind myself that we still have one perfect miracle growing. Even though it caused me a bit of anxiety roaming through the baby section (not sure when that will stop!) I did end up getting a little yellow ducky onesie....

The Lady Antebellum song I posted, I love. My husband and I almost chose it as our wedding song. It's a song about holding onto each other through the ups and downs and realizing all the good things you have in life.

We've already had our fair share of ups and downs, but we are so thankful for all the "good." We have each other and we have one Lil' Miracle growing...

Best bibs ever.

My awesome friend, Kristen, gave me these bibs yesterday!! If it's hard to read, the bibs say "Star of Mommy's Blog." :)

Getting nervous for tomorrow's u/s. We have to see the heartbeat flicker on the second baby!!! Will there come a time where I'm not terrified of each ultrasound?? I hope so. I have been praying really hard that both these babies are growing properly and that everything is okay. My mom said that yesterday she told our minister that I was finally expecting and that it was twins. He was so happy to hear that that he said, "Let's say a special prayer right now." So our minister, my mom and step-dad said a special prayer. I love that. I'm so grateful for every prayer said by family and friends. It means so much. And I truly believe it's working!

10 Years

And the 9.11 attacks are still so fresh in my memory. This past week I was watching 9.11 coverage on TV and I couldn't stop crying. I'm sure the hormones didn't help any, but all those emotions of that day just kept coming back. All those innocent lives lost. God Bless America and God Bless all those who protect our country...

**On a lighter note... tomorrow's post: The cutest bibs ever!**

Blueberry

7 weeks today!!! :)

And according to BabyCenter Baby A is the size of a blueberry. Which is making me crave blueberry pie and whipped cream. Baby B is a few days behind, so he/she is not yet blueberry size. But we hope and pray Baby B is growing quickly so that we can see another beautiful heartbeat flicker on Tuesday...

I've been researching high risk OB's in the area. I don't think I want to go back to my old OB. I just feel there are two many "threatening" possible factors that may complicate this pregnancy. Factors such as: TWINS, my height, my weight, family history of diabetes, asthma, tachycardia episodes (where my heart beats too fast) and a previous miscarriage. Not to mention having gone through all fertility treatments and a very expensive IVF. Of course, I'm hoping and praying for a smooth and healthy pregnancy! But I just want to be prepared. I want to be in the right hands. I feel I deserve to be in the right hands...

I love these weekly milestones! Saturday has always been my favorite day and now that we get to celebrate another "pregnancy week", well it's just icing on the miracle cake...

Capri Suns and Diabetes

Last night I posted (admitted) on Facebook that I still enjoyed drinking Capri Suns. You know, the juice boxes that normally go in school-age children's lunches. You know, kids who still ride a yellow school bus? They are just so good. And surprisingly quite a few people commented on my fb post about saying "Hell yeah, I still drink them too!" These comments came from a lot of people over the age of 30, so I felt a bit better about myself. It's just a delicious drink, easily accessible (just grab, stab, and drink) and inexpensive. My husband likes them too. A lot of friends posted that they just blame buying them "for the kids." Hmmm, yeah we have no excuses just yet :) Any of you bloggers out there like to partake in a Capri Sun every once in awhile? :)

Today I ventured to Wal-Mart to get the "not heavy" portion of groceries. Then when my husband got home from work, he went and picked up the list of "heavy groceries." Just before I started checking out I started feeling not so good. I felt extremely weak and shaky and kind of sweaty. I got through the checkout fast and drank some juice on the way home. I'm nervous about gestational diabetes. I know it's probably still early for that (maybe?) but I'm about 100% sure I'm going to end up with it at some point. Diabetes runs on my father's side of the family. My brother was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 6, my grandfather had it, my uncle has it and my cousin has it. It's pretty much not if Ill get diabetes during this pregnancy, but when. I'm becoming increasingly worried about how my body is going to handle carrying these twin miracles. I was a little overweight before starting IVF...then gained probably ten pounds during IVF and now well, I'm pregnant and most likely will not be losing weight. And I'm only 5'0 tall! I just hope my body doesn't completely give out on me. When we see our OB (in probably two weeks) I think I'm gonna ask right away if she can test for diabetes or anything like that. I was scared today by how I felt at the store. And I really had only been out and about for an hour or so and I did eat breakfast. I'm sure if I do end up with gestational diabetes it will by "bye bye capri suns" :)

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm considering buying some type of pregnancy body pillow. I've noticed even since after transfer I'm more comfortable sleeping sideways with a pillow between my legs. Or sleeping on my back. But I've noticed in the last few weeks my sleep in so interrupted. I toss and turn a lot to get comfy and then I'm up twice a night to pee.

But let me clarify, I am NOT complaining about any of this :) Just concerned. I am super blessed to be where I'm at right now.

7 weeks tomorrow!

Meat.

I have been craving meat.

Normally, I'm not a big meat eater. I do eat lots of chicken, but not a huge red meat fan. I do like burgers, but generally chicken is my go-to-meat. But now, during this pregnancy..I like need meat...

Last night I sent my husband on a quest for meatballs. I have have also been craving steak, burgers, meatloaf, RIBS. I never eat ribs. What's my deal?

Just a pregnancy craving, I guess? Anyone else turn into a crazy carnivore while pregnant? :)

Seeds and other randoms...

For some reason I can't seem to focus on just one topic to blog about. Probably because there are two million different things flying around my head...

So I apologize if this post is all over the place. Tuesday when we found out the very happy news of a heartbeat flicker and twins, I started thinking about the "seeds." Do you remember the "seeds" story a few months ago? Well, a few months ago, right before the start of IVF, we received a call from a family friend saying that they knew someone who was considering putting her four month old twin daughters up for adoption. It was a shocking phone call. I couldn't even speak for a minute because this had just come out of the blue. The situation was a strange one with the mother of the girls and they were being cared for by an older couple most days. The older couple was retiring and wanting to move out of the country, so they were hoping to maybe find a good family for the girls. But like I said, the situation was strange with the mom and I don't think she was 100% sure about giving them up. Which I don't blame her, that's huge HUGE decision. We did write the mom a letter. Letting her know about us and our contact information if she every wanted to talk. We also mentioned that we were "open" to an open adoption. This was right on the verge of us starting IVF. Of course, there was the fear that if by some miracle we did get o adopt this twin girls and then got pregnant with IVF too, that we may be in wayyy over our heads financially. But we went with our hearts, and opened ourselves to the possibility of that all happening. If that was God's plan for us, then we would happily take it on. As it turns out, we never heard from the Mom or the older couple caring for the girls. After we had sent the letter you better believe I was checking my phone and email like a crazy person. But we never heard anything. Went ahead with IVF and by a super miracle, we're pregnant with twins? Part of me likes to believe that God was testing us with the adoption of the twin girls. I picture Him sitting up there and saying "Hmmm let's see if they'll open their hearts and take a leap of faith at accepting the possibility of adopting these twin girls." And we did. Did accept it and take a leap of faith. Didn't get to adopt the twins, but then was blessed with twins after all....

I have to admit I still think about those twin girls. I wonder how they are doing and that I hope they are okay. I have visions of the Mom suddenly getting her life together and saying to herself " I can do this...these are my babies...I can't let them go." I am hopeful that she is on the path to being the best mom to those girls. I also like to think that maybe our letter made her turn that corner. Maybe she read it and it triggered something in her to realize how very blessed she was. Sometimes I do wonder if we'll still get a phone call or email, saying "Are you still interested in adopting these twin girls?" But now since being blessed with miracle IVF babies (even though it's still early) I think we would turn the offer down. Not because we wouldn't want them...trust me...I would take it on and love it. But I think I would try my best to find another family for the girls, like my friend E from Manymanymoons. Who is so deserving of something like this. So I believe that if we did ever hear from them, I would do my best to help another couple who is still waiting for their miracle(s).

In other random news...

Feeling okay. A little more tired and having really weird dreams! Very vivid dreams, where I wake up thinking it's real. Been a little more nauseous here and there. Tuesday night I actually had a bucket nearby in case, but never threw up. This morning I made scrambled eggs and as I was cracking the eggs into the bowl I got pretty grossed out. Because I could see the yolks and all that and I strangely thought about our babies growing and their yolk sacs, etc. Ughh. Was grossed out...but still cooked and ate them! haha I've been so starving. Like having to eat every hour.

Been praying a lot. Part of me is still in complete shock that they found another one growing. And at the same time I'm scared of next Tuesday's u/s. Mostly excited, but very nervous that baby B won't be developing or something. I was telling my husband and my mom that even before Tuesday when I'd rub my belly and pray. I found myself always saying " Please God keep these babies growing." Even when we knew it was just one, and it wasn't that I was even wishing or thinking another one could pop up. But I guess subconsciously maybe I knew? I dont know. It's so strange.

Life is strange, and challenging, and wonderful.

I'm finding myself in a weird place in the blogging world too. I still have a lot of "guilt" so to speak about "moving on" from infertility to pregnancy. But to be honest, I think I'll always feel infertile. Infertility changed me forever and I think even when my babies are in my arms I will still have all the same feelings that I had when we were so sad and trying. I wish I had a magic wand to give all my blog friends their babies. To make everyone happy.

Today I hit 100 followers (Thanks Mrs. Pancakes!)! :) Still amazed that there are that many people remotely interested in my ramblings :) And I guess there's even more because I know of family and friends who follow but don't "officially" follow. Craziness. But thank you all for following along and sharing in all the ups and downs...

I hope I'm somewhat entertaining. :)

Dependence

It's really hard for me to be dependent on people sometimes. I don't like the feeling of not being able to take care of something myself. I know when to ask for help, but it's never been easy for me to do so. I'm a do-er. If the apartment needs me to be cleaned, I just do it. If we have laundry to be done, I'll just do it. If we need groceries, I'll go get them. Of course, sometimes my husband does some of these things too. But generally, it works out that I handle those things since he working three jobs right now. And I like to do those things. I like to keep things clean, keep the fridge full and keep our clothes clean. Now that I'm home for 6 weeks or so and can only do "light duty" things, I'm struggling with the thought of having to be more dependant on everyone. Our washer and dryer is two flights down, so carrying heavy baskets of laundry up and down the stairs is not happening. Also, carrying heavy bags of groceries from the car up the stairs can't happen either. My husband has been a big help with the laundry, but it's hard. I'm home and I could be finishing up the other loads of laundry we have to do, but I can't. I know I need to forget about laundry and cleaning right now and just relax and focus on growing these babies! But it's so hard. I can only relax for so long before I feel like I have to get up and get something done. And I may have a touch of OCD or something. So I think I'm going to make a list of things I want to get done in the next month and a half. Maybe so I can take my focus off what I can't do and put it more towards what I can do...

Here's my list so far (and in no particular order)...

1) Have our wedding pictures (finally) printed so we can frame some more AND put together a wedding album. Now that we have babies on the way, it would be nice to have a wedding album done before the baby albums...

2) Figure out how to use my Kindle. Yeah, I know. It's easy. But for some reason I can't get it registered because of some password problem with our wi-fi and it just seems overwhelming at the moment. I want to read a few good books! Suggestions are welcome.

3) Go visit my Nana and have lunch with her.

4) Get our bills organized and set up a budget. With me only getting 60% of my pay, it's going to be rough for awhile...

5) Catch up on some movies I've been wanting to see. Might try Red Box because I heard it's really cheap.

6) Start going through our spare bedroom (future nursery). It's a mess. And I know it's super early, but I have the urge to purge everything in it. I want a blank empty canvas to start filling with everythingbaby.

7) I want to start using our crock pot and eating better. I'm already constantly hungry early in this pregnancy, so I'm eating us out of house and home.

8) And last but not least, I want to try and nap a lot, grow this babes and relax. I need to keep praying and keep positive thoughts and live in "my happy place."

**Totally random and having nothing to do with this post, but has anyone heard from Carlia from The Stork Drop Zone?? Might sound weird, but I'm worried about her. She hasn't posted in a long time. I've sent her an email a few times, but haven't heard back. Just thought I'd ask! :) **

Are you sitting down??

No? Ok, I'll give you a second to find a comfy (and sturdy) chair. One that you can't fall out of easily. Go ahead, I'll wait....

You good? Ok :)

My head is spinning in circles and my heart is about to explode with a mix of sheer joy, shock and nervousness! We had our appointment this morning. And it went well.....VERY WELL :)

We saw Lil'Miracle's flicker of a heartbeat! I was so happy that I started crying right on the table! Matt and I were just squeezing each other's hand and smiling ear to ear. And then, the most shocking and most beautiful thing happened...

u/s tech: How many did they tell you were in here?

Me: Ummm...just one....just one growing...

u/s tech: Welllll, I'm seeing two honey. You have two growing!

Me: (in shock and crying harder) What? Really? Are you sure? Ohmygod!

That's right girls! As of right now we have TWINS growing! The second one just has a gest sac and yolk sac right now, no heartbeat flicker, but she said obviously it's a few days behind Lil'Miracle and next week we should be able to see the flicker on the second one! OH. MY. GOD.

We feel so blessed today. I was just so happy and grateful to see that heartbeat flicker on Lil'Miracle and then to find out we have TWINS growing??? There are no words :) Now we are just going to pray so hard that they both keep growing and moving along...

It's funny because ever since are first u/s when they found just one, Matt still thought there was two growing. These past few weeks he just had a feeling it was gonna be two. And I kept saying (an perhaps some eye rolling) "Nooo honey, it's just one." And it turns out his feeling was right!!!

Some other news, too. My doctor had put me on light duty for work up until October 20th (through the first trimester). It turns out my work can't accept light duty because we work with little kids and it just wouldn't work out. They don't want to risk anything happening. So I am going to be on disability until mid-late October. I was pretty sad about it at first. We just started new classrooms for the year and I was excited to be getting new kids and working with some great girls, but I'm starting to see the good in this. I'll be able to relax and just focus on growing these babies and not being so stressed. My family comes first and I have to just focus on that and use this time for the health of my babies. A month or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's going to be tough financially, since it's only 60% of my pay. And I don't get paid much to begin with! But we'll work it out and get through it somehow.

I know I've been sounding like a bible hugger lately, but I will never underestimate the power of prayer :) I truly believe prayer is a big part of what has gotten us this far and I'm going to keep on prayin!

Today is a good day :) A very good day...

Flicker of Hope

We had a wonderful anniversary yesterday! :) Thanks for all the wishes!

Tomorrow is our next appointment. I'll be 6wks 3days. Deep breaths...

I'm trying not to get freaked out about seeing the flicker of a heartbeat yet, but ohhhh it would be so nice. Would just put me at ease and would take so much pressure and stress off the 7 weeks appt...

TMI warning- I noticed yesterday that sometimes when I'd pee there would be tiny bits of dried blood in the toilet. Barely noticeable, but of course I'm Ms. Toilet and Toilet Paper Inspector right now. Has anyone else had this? It's definitely not a lot and not fresh blood, but I'm still curious about it. I'm thinking maybe it's "leftover" from a few days ago with the bleeding? I've basically come to realize that I'm so gross right now. Between the blue pills, the twice a day crinone and the blood/dried blood situation, I'm in the market for a new vagina...

I'm going to pray really hard to see our "flicker of hope" tomorrow. I honestly think these few weeks after a IVF positive beta are so much more stressful and nerve wrecking than any 2ww I've been through.

Deep breaths....:)

Our Anniversary

Today is our 1st Anniversary!!

On this day last year I married my prince. I am one lucky girl...

If you are wondering how we've been struggling with infertility for over three years, being married only a year, here's a quick recap. I was married before and my infertility struggles began there. Then once Matt and I started dating we began trying right away, knowing of my infertility issues. So we have been through quite a bit even before our first year of marriage. We made it through a miscarriage and lots of emotional ups and (mostly) downs that come with infertility. It's definitely made us stronger as a couple.

And now, as we celebrate our first anniversary we have something else to celebrate as well! This lil' miracle we have growing!! Best gift we could ask for :)

I just would like my husband to know how much I love him. How much I appreciate how hard he works for our growing family. How I love that he can make me laugh through tears and how he makes me feel beautiful (even when I look like complete crap!). And how I still get butterflies every time he walks through the door...

Honey, you are the best decision I ever made :)

Today we are going to watch our wedding video and go out to dinner! We don't get to go out that much (thanks to infertility expenses!) so we are excited. Then maybe we'll rent a movie. Sounds like the perfect day to me!

It's funny because after the wedding last year we totally forgot to put these cocktail napkins out! We were so bummed. But it's kind of fun to use them today :)

If we are allowed an anniversary wish (being since it's our first!) we wish that this baby continues to grow and that come April we will be holding our lil miracle in our arms...

***Blows out anniversary candle and smiles***

Half-way...

Through the first trimester!!! Silly, I know. But it makes me happy. Today we are six weeks...

I treated myself to something today. A decaf pumpkin coffee. I have been avoiding caffeine for over a month now, and I didn't even feel right thinking about getting a decaf, but today I did! I love me some pumpkin coffee. I'm safe with decaf right?? I know most doctors say even one cup of caffeine a day is alright. But I don't want to risk that.

I also have a heartbeat question for you girls. Dr. Google (yes, I'm so guilty) says that you should see a heartbeat by 6 weeks?? Is that true? I think my RE said 8 weeks. Our 6wks 3days u/s is on Tuesday, and I'm worried about what we should see? Any thoughts? I just don't want to be devastated or feel hopeless if we don't see one then...

Thankful.

I'm happy to report that the bleeding has stopped. I'm almost afraid to type it or say it out loud in fear that it will come back. Some cramping is still there, but definitely better. The past couple days have been so scary. It wasn't just spotting, it was light bleeding and cramping. Didn't pass any tissue which is good. But I am beyond thankful that it has stopped and I hope this was just a little hiccup. I am constantly praying and trying to remind myself of all the positive things, but it's really hard.

Especially because earlier in the week my boobs hurt so bad. I could barely lay on my stomach, and suddenly after all this bleeding drama, they don't hurt anymore. Something new to worry about. I just don't see how it could go from hurting so bad to not at all. I could pee on a stick to see how light or dark the line is but I'm way too scared. I almost don't want to know. We have our next appointment early Tuesday morning and we are hoping the u/s looks good and that my beta goes up.

I do not want to lose this baby. And we will do whatever we can to keep it safe ad keep it growing. Being on bed rest the last two days kind of has me going stir crazy, especially because it's beautiful out. But like I said Ill do whatever it takes. My mom came by yesterday and brought me some treats and kept me company for awhile. I seriously don't know what I'd do without my husband and my mom. I am a lucky girl.

I'm not sure what's going to happen at work. They may have to move me to another classroom where there would be less lifting. My doctor basically has me on light duty through my first trimester. And if there aren't options at work, I might have to take a disability leave. Which I really don't want to do. Yes, I'd be less stressed and there would be less stress on my body, but it's only 60% of your pay. So changing classrooms or going a disability are not ideal, but it is what it is.

My mom was saying yesterday that she didn't have even have ONE ultrasound when she was pregnant. This was back in the late 70's early 80's. I was in shock. She had one blood test to confirm the pregnancy and then it was " See ya, hope you have a great 9 mths." Just shocking to me after our weekly ultrasounds and blood work and constant worrying. I kind of wish it was 1979 so I could just be blissfully happy that I'm pregnant and not have to worry about the growth of the embryo or that my beta numbers rise.

I just want to hear a heartbeat by 8 weeks and then I'll be able to breathe a little. I know things can still happen, but that will be a huge milestone for us and I just know I'll be able to ease up on the constant worry. At least I will force myself to.

Thanks for all your comments and prayers. Please keep 'em coming :)

A Birthday Tribute to an Angel Mommy

This beautiful baby girl died from SIDS earlier this year. Today is her mother's birthday. You can find her blog at www.kandjstaats.blogspot.com

Shocking right? Makes you question God and his reasons for certain things. I cannot even imagine such a loss. Maddie's mom (Kellie) said that all she wanted for her birthday, besides Maddie back of course, would be to have people remember her beautiful girl. She asked that we post a picture of Maddie on our blogs. And I am happy to do that...

Happy Birthday, Kellie. I know most of the "happy" was taken away with Maddie, but I just want you to know I admire your strength and your will to continue to live your life. Maddie is most definitely looking down on her mama today with love...

These lyrics from this song make me think of you and Maddie...

"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors."