Seeds and other randoms...

For some reason I can't seem to focus on just one topic to blog about. Probably because there are two million different things flying around my head...

So I apologize if this post is all over the place. Tuesday when we found out the very happy news of a heartbeat flicker and twins, I started thinking about the "seeds." Do you remember the "seeds" story a few months ago? Well, a few months ago, right before the start of IVF, we received a call from a family friend saying that they knew someone who was considering putting her four month old twin daughters up for adoption. It was a shocking phone call. I couldn't even speak for a minute because this had just come out of the blue. The situation was a strange one with the mother of the girls and they were being cared for by an older couple most days. The older couple was retiring and wanting to move out of the country, so they were hoping to maybe find a good family for the girls. But like I said, the situation was strange with the mom and I don't think she was 100% sure about giving them up. Which I don't blame her, that's huge HUGE decision. We did write the mom a letter. Letting her know about us and our contact information if she every wanted to talk. We also mentioned that we were "open" to an open adoption. This was right on the verge of us starting IVF. Of course, there was the fear that if by some miracle we did get o adopt this twin girls and then got pregnant with IVF too, that we may be in wayyy over our heads financially. But we went with our hearts, and opened ourselves to the possibility of that all happening. If that was God's plan for us, then we would happily take it on. As it turns out, we never heard from the Mom or the older couple caring for the girls. After we had sent the letter you better believe I was checking my phone and email like a crazy person. But we never heard anything. Went ahead with IVF and by a super miracle, we're pregnant with twins? Part of me likes to believe that God was testing us with the adoption of the twin girls. I picture Him sitting up there and saying "Hmmm let's see if they'll open their hearts and take a leap of faith at accepting the possibility of adopting these twin girls." And we did. Did accept it and take a leap of faith. Didn't get to adopt the twins, but then was blessed with twins after all....

I have to admit I still think about those twin girls. I wonder how they are doing and that I hope they are okay. I have visions of the Mom suddenly getting her life together and saying to herself " I can do this...these are my babies...I can't let them go." I am hopeful that she is on the path to being the best mom to those girls. I also like to think that maybe our letter made her turn that corner. Maybe she read it and it triggered something in her to realize how very blessed she was. Sometimes I do wonder if we'll still get a phone call or email, saying "Are you still interested in adopting these twin girls?" But now since being blessed with miracle IVF babies (even though it's still early) I think we would turn the offer down. Not because we wouldn't want them...trust me...I would take it on and love it. But I think I would try my best to find another family for the girls, like my friend E from Manymanymoons. Who is so deserving of something like this. So I believe that if we did ever hear from them, I would do my best to help another couple who is still waiting for their miracle(s).

In other random news...

Feeling okay. A little more tired and having really weird dreams! Very vivid dreams, where I wake up thinking it's real. Been a little more nauseous here and there. Tuesday night I actually had a bucket nearby in case, but never threw up. This morning I made scrambled eggs and as I was cracking the eggs into the bowl I got pretty grossed out. Because I could see the yolks and all that and I strangely thought about our babies growing and their yolk sacs, etc. Ughh. Was grossed out...but still cooked and ate them! haha I've been so starving. Like having to eat every hour.

Been praying a lot. Part of me is still in complete shock that they found another one growing. And at the same time I'm scared of next Tuesday's u/s. Mostly excited, but very nervous that baby B won't be developing or something. I was telling my husband and my mom that even before Tuesday when I'd rub my belly and pray. I found myself always saying " Please God keep these babies growing." Even when we knew it was just one, and it wasn't that I was even wishing or thinking another one could pop up. But I guess subconsciously maybe I knew? I dont know. It's so strange.

Life is strange, and challenging, and wonderful.

I'm finding myself in a weird place in the blogging world too. I still have a lot of "guilt" so to speak about "moving on" from infertility to pregnancy. But to be honest, I think I'll always feel infertile. Infertility changed me forever and I think even when my babies are in my arms I will still have all the same feelings that I had when we were so sad and trying. I wish I had a magic wand to give all my blog friends their babies. To make everyone happy.

Today I hit 100 followers (Thanks Mrs. Pancakes!)! :) Still amazed that there are that many people remotely interested in my ramblings :) And I guess there's even more because I know of family and friends who follow but don't "officially" follow. Craziness. But thank you all for following along and sharing in all the ups and downs...

I hope I'm somewhat entertaining. :)