Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Graduation Day

Today I got the boot. No more RE. Off to the OB I go!! I have mixed emotions about this. As we were leaving the office my sweet husband wanted to track some nurses down and thank them for everything, and I was booking it out the door only because I was about to burst into tears! I'm both sad and happy about this transition. I just feel like we've been through so much at the RE's office and it's shocking that we've actually achieved our goal to become pregnant. Meaning, it's time to go...time to move on...

I like the RE's office. The nurses and doctors seem to really care and the once a week monitoring has been great. Even though Im terrified at every u/s, it's still reassuring to know that things are going okay. One of the nurses (the one I wasn't too happy with months ago) is now my new BFF. I was using the bathroom after the appt and I could hear her and my husband talking outside. When I came out she gave me a huge hug and said to come visit and call anytime. It's funny how things change, at one point I hated having her as my nurse and now I've come to really like her! When we got out to the car I burst into tears. It's going to be such an adjustment not going there anymore! We decided to go back to our old OB. We had looked up a few others, but in the end just decided to head back there. The RE's office was faxing over my file today and when I got home I called to make my first appointment. I was already slapped with the reality of how regular OB visits go down. I said to the receptionist that "my fertility clinic just released me and I need to make an appt for my 11 wk ultrasound" and she quickly replied "Oh we dont do ultrasounds on your first visit." And I said "Ohhhhhhh" in a very deflated voice. She then put me on hold and came back and said that I could make my appointment and then the dr would decide that day if I need an u/s or not. Which means, I am going to BEG for an u/s that day. All I want is to hear the heartbeat again. Just one more time, before the real long wait begins for an u/s each month. So October 10th is our first OB visit!

Lil' Miracle is doing well. Unfortunately, the nurse said the baby was in a ball so it was hard to get a good measurement. Which she said the baby could be measuring a few days behind, but that it was most likely because it was all curled up. Of course all I heard was "might be measuring a few days behind" and I freaked out. But she assured us it wasn't a big deal. And then the heartbeat which was around 137 last week was 170 today. Which seemed really high to me. But she said everything is fine, that the heart beat fluctuates, etc. She did point out the umbilical cord and how you could see the heart beat in the cord matching the beat of the heart, which was good. It's just so hard for me when a medical professional tells me "everything is great" to really believe it. I know, I have issues. But this is what infertility has done to me. I find myself becoming increasingly more happy and relaxed, but all those worries are still very much there. And it's hard to let go of them all. Which I'm sure is hard for people to understand. "You're finally pregnant! You should just be happy and enjoy it!" Easier said that done. I feel like there are two Sarah's. One Sarah is in shock and completely overjoyed that we are pregnant! That same Sarah is the one researching baby stuff online, picking out names, dreaming of a nursery, and feeling very blessed. The other Sarah is scared out of her mind that she is going to lose this baby and is not letting go of the worry because it's a defense mechanism...

I haven't been blogging too much, because I guess I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Sometimes it's hard to sign on to here and be reminded of all the horror stories out there. But then again, it's nice to sign onto here and here about all the miracles as well :)

Today I am so thankful to have heard the baby's heartbeat again. Matt even recorded it on his phone, so I can listen to it anytime.

So I've cried three times today so far. The first time was when we were leaving the RE's office. The second time was while I was watching a water birth on A Baby Story (so not for me btw!) but I started balling my eyes out when the baby was born. And then third time was just now, when I saw that Pampers commercial again. You know the the one? "Whether she's ten years late, whether she's through IVF, every baby is a little miracle." Yeah, that one. Sobbing :)

We've graduated from the RE's office. But maybe we'll be back there one day for one of our frozen embies. I bought a Thank You card to send to the clinic and at some point I'd like to donate any meds I have left back to the clinic, as they were so generous in donating to us...

**Just noticed "Graduation Day" is my 300th post!**





13 comments:

tanyaslifejourney said...

I can completely relate to what you are saying...though I'm not at the same stage as you in my journey. We just recently (2 weeks ago) adopted embryos. Everyone is over the top excited for us and most of the time I struggle to put a smile on my face. I know I should also be over the top excited that we've finally cleared a HUGE hurdle and have now adopted embryos but my mind can't go there. I'm so worried about the next steps... the shipping of the embryos, the thaw, the transfer... there's so much and it's hard to live in the moment and be excited. I hope that you are able to find peace and enjoy your pregnancy... but know that you aren't alone in your worries... We've all been there! :)

Carlia said...

congrats on graduating! that is HUGE! i know it's tough to let go of the fear and anxiety, but whatever is meant to be is meant to be and all we can do is go with it. but i just know that everything is going to be fine and you are going to be holding that beautiful baby in your arms before you know it! i'm SO happy for you! CONGRATS!

Liz said...

I haven't suffered with infertility but I did experience pregnancy loss and I don't think you really ever stop worrying. Every time you go the the doctor and they tell you everything is going well it does help to ease your mind but you will always have the "what if" feelings. Relaxing and enjoying every moment of pregnancy is so much easier said then done.

So happy to hear that you have graduated! Hopefully your doctor will remember everything you have been through and take extra special care of you.

Moe said...

Did they play "pomp & circumstance" for you as you left? haha. I kid I kid.

I would be sad about leaving too. I'm not a fan of change..and I would be totally spoiled seeing my little baby every week. I hope you get to have another ultrasound at your 1st appointment. :) Just bat your eyes and say "plleeeeeease"

Gaffney said...

Congrats on the really good appointment. Its a big scary world but you are not alone in it and your next favorite nurse could be just around the corner at the OB's office! I sent you a message on FB. :)

Jenny said...

congrats on graduating...I remember that day so well and I too was nervous about the transition. There is a very good chance you'll get to hear the hb with a doppler machine at you 11wk appt even if they don't do an ultrasound. High heartbeats often are associated with a girl btw ;)

I was two Jenny my whole pregnancy...as you said, it's a defense mechanism.

I still tear up every time I see that pampers commercial...the second I see that little embryo I break lol

Faith said...

Well, maybe not EVERYone will get it, but I get how you are feeling. It's hard to allow for the joy when you are so worried. But, it does get better. And I was a WRECK, so believe me when I say, it gets better:). And it is important that you find an OB you LOVE who GETS infertility. That is what saved me throughout my pregnancy. I LOVE, love, love my OB. She was actually my REs wife and really understood my worries - she did things for me that she may not have done for everyone. Hang in there, momma. So glad your lil miracle is thriving;)

Marissa said...

I love my Doppler. Just throwing that out there. :)

It's really very strange to go back into "normal OB" land. I was shocked that my OB's office doesn't even own a real ultrasound machine. Seriously. (They refer out, but most of their patients only get ONE, some two. THE WHOLE PREGNANCY.)

That said, I miss my RE's much less than I thought I would. I love them, but I'm so glad not to be spending every other morning there...

Joys Truly said...

Congratulations!! Now to the OB/Gyne like all the other preggos. Every little step, you can breath a little more. Glad everything is going so well.

Ruth said...

Congrats on graduating!!! I will also be really sad when my RE gives me the boot. I seriously wish he could be my OB the whole pregnancy.

Josey said...

(1) That Pampers commercial still makes me cry.
(2) Congrats on graduating to the OB!
(3) Monthly u/s?? Wow, I'd be surprised if your OB does that. Most only do 1 in the beginning around 10-12 weeks and 1 at 20 weeks. That's all insurance covers either in most cases, just FYI!

Beeker's Mom said...

Not going to the RE's office anymore was so upsetting for me as well. The nurses there were AMAZING. It was a shock when I made my first OB appointment and they just treated it like it was no big deal.

I hope you get your u/s!!!

A m a n d a said...

Congrats Sarah, what a huge milestone! I can totally understand your conflicting emotions though...as much as I don't want to be there, I love my clinic and the staff. But I'm sure you'll meet some new amazing people at the OB :)

Glad to hear things are going well!