Acceptance.

Hi Readers. It's funny, I'm not sure how many people really read my blog. I'm thinking I have a total of around 30 peeps checking it out. But maybe there are a few lurkers out there. Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for stopping by and for enduring my sometimes sad entries. Thank you also, to my IF ladies who leave such sweet, supportive and funny comments on my blog.

I've been slacking a bit on my blog entries. Mainly, because I've had a lot on my brain lately. The last week or two has been emotionally exhausting and I just felt burnt out. I've been feeling another emotion lately, and that is acceptance. I honestly don't think I can be surprised anymore by pregnancy announcements. Of course, they still might sting a little at first, but the whole surprise element has gone out the window. I just think I've come to accept that every girl on the planet will have a baby before me. Does anyone else feel this way? I know that sounds dramatic, but I really think it's the case. I will be the last girl standing. Like getting picked last for dodgeball or something. Please don't try and cheer me up with the "Save the best for last" song and dance :) Sweet of you, readers, but won't help :) I mean, I don't even think I'd be surprised if my 88 year old Nana called me tomorrow and said " Sarah, I'm pregnant...with triplets." OR if my Goldfish (who we've named Walter) turned out to be a girl, and spelled out in bubbles "I'm preggo" in her/his tank. Seriously. Wouldn't be surprised. Don't get me wrong though, this new acceptance business isn't going to keep me from moving forward and kicking IF in the balls...

I do have some good news to share. Well, "moving forward/kicking IF in the balls" news. Monday I called to make an appt with the RE and got one for May 14th!!!!!! It's the first available appt and I took it. I knew there would be somewhat of a wait, so I didn't care. The receptionist was sooooo nice too and very organized and efficient. Within a matter of minutes, from getting off the phone with them, I received an email to my phone of paperwork we need to fill out. It just felt so good to make that move and to know that I soon will be seeing a specialist to help me figure out WHY this is happening to me. Two years and a miscarriage, and I'm finally going to be getting some answers. They even have an open house the last Wednesday of every month, so that you can meet the practioners and check out the clinic. We are definitely going. I want to learn all I can. I'm going to be a sponge just soaking in all the information they give us. I also found out this week that my insurance does cover the specialist visits, with a $20.00 co-pay. And that they cover artificial insemination but not IVF. Not surprised with the IVF, but (and this is going to sound naive) does an IUI count as artificial insemination?

It was funny, the other night Matt was joking that we're going to be " Matt & Sarah Plus 8" like "Jon & Kate Plus 8." I had to laugh, because we both have a lot to learn about moving forward in all of this. I already have experienced a lot with IF and have learned a bit along the way. But he is a freshman at the IF High School. I think he thinks we'll walk in the door of the RE and walk out with a litter in my belly. :) But in reality, it's going to be a long process and most likely not a "quick fix." Or maybe it will be! Who knows. But I am glad we have an appt set so he and I can learn together...

Maybe someday I'll be wearing one of these t-shirts :)





Lots of funny IF t-shirts and things at Cafepress.com! Check it out.

Biological Clock Shop

You know what would be fabulous? A Biological Clock Shop in the local mall. It would be so wonderful to be walking along and say, " Oh honey I'll catch up with you, I'm just gonna run into the Biological Clock Shop real quick and look for some youth and a pair of viable eggs. And while I'm in there maybe I'll get my biological clock fixed, because apparently it's busted, probably from ticking too fast." Oh, if only. If only there were such a store...

I am turning 31 in approximately 10 days. And I can already feel my biological clock starting to rust. I know some of you might be thinking "Oh 31 is nothing, you still have time" or "Wowwww yeah, better hurry up there and get your eggs scrambled." Most of us IF girls, have read and heard that 35 is "advanced maternal age" and from then on it can be even more difficult to conceive. But I know that is not exactly true. Anything is possible. I just can't help but buy into the fact that the small window from age 30-35 is well, IT. Turning 30 was kind of fun. Still sort of "young and fresh" but "mature and wise." Now, with 31 breathing down my throat, I'm feeling a little anxious. I have a lot of reasons, for my 31st birthday to be a "Happy" Birthday, I really do. But that one little thing is still missing. And you know what that is. I remember being so excited in December when I figured out how far along I would be at my birthday. It made me so happy to think that I would be pregnant on my birthday. No need for cake or presents, I already had the best gift of all in my belly...

I am a firm believer in blowing out a candle and making a wish on your birthday. There's just some magic to it. There has to be. And this year I'll be wishin' away...

I'm not scared of you, Biological Clock. Too bad I can't get a crocodile to eat you, like in Peter Pan :)

Infertility-1 Sarah-0

Infertility kicked my ass today. Ohhh. Yes. It. Did.

I had an appointment today at the OB/GYN. The one that was supposed to happen last week, but because my friend decided to stick around I had to reschedule. Basically, because since they were doing some "fertility" testing, they said my friend had to be gone. One of the things I learned today is that I'm an infertile pushover. I'm too nice and lenient and I care too much about not ruffling any feathers. And that has to stop if I want to get ahead at all in this process. Sit back and relax (maybe grab a beverage) as I paint a picture of my morning...

I opted to go to this appointment alone. Just me and my list of questions. I just felt that I needed to have an attack and conquer mentality and that I needed to do it by myself without any hand holding. Just this one time. Thursday night I re-wrote my list of concerns and questions, using my good pen and my fancy cursive. I wanted to go into the appointment prepared, instead of ending up like a deer in headlights. Go me, right? Wrong.

I walked into the office feeling pretty good, actually. My nerves weren't as bad as I remembered them being the last few times I was there. Probably because I wasn't pregnant this time, with a terrifying a fear that I was miscarrying. Or the second time, post miscarriage, hand in hand with our heads hung low. This time was different, I was simply getting my annual and then starting some "hope" testing. As I sat in the waiting room, I flipped through a PEOPLE magazine. Ironically, the first article I came upon was Giuliana & Bill and their IF struggle and then the next article I flipped to was how this one chef is using his fiancee's breastmilk to make cheese! Yup, CHEESE! Gag. Anyways, I waited patiently and even took the kicks to my uterus pretty well, every time a cute baby bump walked through the door. Go me, right? Wrong.

When they called me in, my first task was to pee in a cup. Then on to the exam room. I have to tell you that I secretly fantasized that the nurse would come running into the room, waving a pee stick saying "Surprise! You're pregnant!." Didn't happen though. A nurse came in and did all the preliminary stuff and question-asking. Then she asked if it would be alright if the NP student observed my exam. My immediate thought was " Ohhhh man. No freakin way!" But what came out of my mouth was " Yeah, sure no problem." Ugh. I had to double check with the nurse about starting the fertility testing, because she only mentioned the annual exam. And this is where I started getting nervous. Next thing I know, the NP student marches in, chats for a minute and then I realize SHE's doing the exam. Not the awesome NP I trust. But do I say anything? No. The student started the exam and couldn't get to my cervix. Ouch. She then went to get the NP (I trust) and had her do it. By this point, I'm just a little annoyed. As awesome NP is finishing up my exam, I brought up some of my fertility testing questions and awesome NP got a little less awesome-er. I really didn't feel like she was hearing me. I felt rushed and I felt like she was annoyed that she had to be dealing with me. Turns out that she only could do one culture test on me today and that I would have to come back in two weeks for bloodwork and an ultrasound. She was talking a mile a minute and it all got blurry. Next thing I know, I'm in a full blown emotional meltdown. Crying. No...sobbing. In front of NP used-to-be-awesome and her apprentice. Soooo embarrassing. I kept apologizing, because I felt like such a jerk for crying like that. And I have to say that their bedside manner, wasn't at it's finest today. I then told them that I'm looking for a specialist and that I want to be aggressive and move forward in all of this. (Oh-and through this whole breakdown, I'm sitting there covered in pretty much nothing. I think the "cover up" paper towels they give you are getting smaller and thinner! They might as well have handed me a napkin. A cheap napkin.) Anyways, I left there feeling embarrassed, sad and not satified with the info I received. However, I did leave with a few things. A SA script for my honey, two numbers for a specialist and a fire in my belly. I am not going to be this easy to just shuffle off anymore! I'm going to take charge of my IF. I'm going back on 6th for the bloodwork and ultrasound and then "bye-bye" OB/GYN...see you when the fertility specialist gets me pregnant! In all fairness, I know sometimes doctors and nurses have their bad or busy days. I know this and I'm not going to take today personally. I still like NP awesome. My next task is to call the specialists on Monday. Let's hope they're not booked up 'till 2011. I am totally all over this. Go me, right? Wrong.

My mom met me briefly after my appointment to see how it went. She's really good at making me feel loved. And she even talked me down, up and out of my sadness and frustration I was feeling. I then headed to work. Just a couple hours I needed to get through, without crying..without feeling defeated and sad. I could do it! Turns out, I couldn't. The two other teachers I work with are very supportive of my IF struggles. I had to talk to my boss about another upcoming appointment and I had a question about paid leave time. As I was talking with my boss and another director, I just burst out crying again. Actually, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Because I just felt like a jerk again, for having another breakdown in public..TWICE in the same day! They were super supportive though :) Thank goodness, because I probably would have crawled away and died if they had looked at me like the NP and her mini-me did earlier in the day...

It was so nice to finally come home and hug my honey tonight. His hugs are just like this "Ahhh I'm home" feeling. I love it. And he sat and listened to me vent about my rollercoaster of a day. Plus, he can make me laugh like no one else can. I am going to sleep well tonight. The emotional exhaustion has definitely out-weighed the physical exhaustion today. At least, what I did get out of today was clarity. One more appointment with the OB/GYN and then on to the real deal. No more messin' around. This is going to happen. I am in charge.

Go me, right? Right. :)

Film Flashbacks

So, Friday night I was flipping through the movie channels and came upon this 1994 creepfest...

"The hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world." Creeeeeppppy!


Man, this movie is so creepy! And I just couldn't stop watching it. I saw it when it first came out, but wow. As I watched it made me realize two things:

1) I may feel crazy sometimes with all the IF stuff, but at least I'm not THIS crazy!

and

2) Never hire a nanny.

Kidding, of course. I know there are a lot of really great Nannies out there. But wow, watch this movie and you'll never want to let your kids out of your sight...


This 1987 flashback film is one I LOVE...



If you've never seen this movie. Drop what you're doing and run to the nearest Blockbuster. Or simply, work your Netflix magic. I have always loved this movie! It's one of my favorites and I could watch it over and over, without it getting old. For all my IF friends out there, the movie also touches on adoption. In a "wasn't-sure-about-you-but-now-I-can't-imagine-how-I-got-by-without-you" sort of way. Put Baby Boom in your plans this week, I promise you won't be disappointed :)

So girls, while we wait for our own baby booms and cradles to rock, keep the crazies away by watching great movies. Movies that make you feel good when they're over. Movies that make you feel better about life. Movies NOT like the crazy cradle robber lady, mentioned above! :)

Rocks.

Lots of rocks this weekend. Five to be exact...

This week one of my best friends got engaged. Very excited for her and her bling :) This, is rock number one. Saturday, my honey and I headed to Bash Bish Falls to do some hiking. It's about an hour drive from where we live and we've been wanting to do it for months now, but then winter came. So, being that the weather was absolutely gorgeous on Saturday, we got in the car and headed to the falls! We hiked to the falls, climbed the rocks, sat and talked by the falls, and just enjoyed the beauty of it all. It was fun. That was rock number two. After the falls, we stopped and visited my Nana. She doesn't live too far from the falls, so we popped in to see her. She was so excited and surprised, it was great. It doesn't take much to make her happy and I was glad we could do just that. She's 88 and one of my favorite people. She had us cracking up as we left, because she never lets anyone one leave without something, so she insisted we take two sodas. I walked out with the two cans and she said " There are some straws on the counter, honey." And I said " Oh that's ok I don't need a straw, Nana." She gave me a look and I laughed, " Is it not lady-like to drink from a can without a straw?" She gave me the same look and said " Nooo!." Sometimes, I wish I grew up during the time period she did. A simpler time. My Nana is rock number three, the rock of our family...

Rock number four came about Saturday night. In the form of rock bottom. I'm not really sure how it came upon me, but it was bad. I actually think I hadn't felt so bad and cried so hard since the actual miscarriage. Even after a wonderful day hiking the falls with my honey, rock bottom still hit. We were figuring out what do to for dinner, what we wanted to do later in the night, whether we wanted to nap or not, just normal things. And then it hit me like a freight train. I've been warned of this happening. I've had some hard moments and tears since December, but Saturday night was probably the worst. The pain just felt so raw again, like it had just happened. I was so so sad, and nothing was making it better. It reminded me of when we were being discharged from the hospital and there was a moment where it was just me and the nurse in the room (she had suffered a mc when she was younger as well) she said " It's in the quiet, normal day-to-day things where it can hit you hard." Matt just didn't know what to do, besides hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. It was just awful and sad. We even talked about talking with a counselor. I know I should. But there's a part of me that thinks it might make it worse, because it will just dig up more things..and dig..and dig. I feel like blogging and talking with friends and Matt really helps. And I just want to chalk up Saturday night as an isolated sadness. But should I? Being balled up in his arms, crying so hard that my eyes are puffy...probably isn't normal. I just wish I could know what is normal, three months after losing a baby. Besides, hitting rock bottom on Saturday, I feel like I'm functioning pretty well. So I don't know. Maybe because I'm trying so hard to make it be okay, when it doesn't feel okay, that makes me explode with all this emotion? I just wish December never happened. But it did.

I'll be ok. Matt and I will be ok. He is my rock, rock number five in this story. We are pretty good at picking each other up and wiping each other off, and loving each other even more, than the day before. He reminded me that I've been through some pretty major things in the past year. And I do have to give myself a little room in terms of feeling well again.

So, that all. Just me holding close my box of rocks.

Dear Body, I hate you.

Ok, so maybe that's a little harsh. Body, I don't hate you, I'm just frustrated with you I guess. Let me take a moment to explain why. I've been sick so much this past winter, I can't seem to catch a break, and then today I was blessed with a full blown cold. I must have sneezed at least 100 times today and as I type this, I'm breathing into a neb treatment tube. The "at" symbol and the letter "A" key on the laptop have been acting funky. And I'm pretty sure it's from condensation dripping down from the neb. Nice, Sarah. So, besides me being quite sick (oh, the letter "Q" key is goin now, too) the past few months, I also had to reschedule my fertility work-up appt to next Friday, thanks to a lovely lady with the initials AF. She won't go away, and apparently because of the testing they were going to do, she has to be on vacation. Now, I have to wait another week. Thanks for that, Body. I'm also pretty frustrated with you because you won't ovulate enough. Twice or so in almost two years, is just not cool. And even though you came through for us this past fall, you didn't hang onto our little bean. Which in turn set me into a "gonna be sad for a long long time" mode. What can we do for you? What do you need? Even with meds, you've let me down. I even lost close to 20 pounds in Hawaii, and you still didn't meet me halfway. I know I've gained a lot of it back, but I'm gonna work on it. I take vitamins, I'm keeping Tropicana OJ in business, and I love fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to be nice to you. Maybe you are frustrated with me too. Yes, I could use some more exercise and less stress. But now that Spring is here, we are going to be more active! I promise you that. So, please Body, help a girl out. Give me a break from being sick. Give me some energy and hope back. And please, give us our bean back. Which means you need to ovulate like the mother-of-all-ovulators.

But even after all of that, I want to thank you Body. For keeping me alive. For keeping my heart beating, my lungs working and my brain functioning. Well, most of the time, with the last two :) I know you work hard everyday, and without much rest in between. You allow me to love and enjoy all the wonderful things and people I do have in my life...

It's just you and me, Body. We can do this...

French Toast and Fairy Tales...

Today was kind of a hard day. I received a nasty-ish email from my ex-husband regarding some "settlement" issues. The nastiness of the email was unnecessary, rude and a bit immature on his part. Confirming, for the 12,075Th time that I made the right decision in divorcing him. I won't get into the details, but the email had me stressed and angry all day. And it made me even more angry, that I allowed the email to make me angry. If that makes any sense. I just felt like he was still trying to control me, even after we are divorced and on different coasts.

All the reasons why I love my honey, shined through today. He gave me the support, encouragement and strength I needed, to bring myself down off the ledge. Even though he had his own choice words, regarding my ex's email, he was able to be level-headed about things. He made me realize that I can be the bigger person in the situation and that my ex is no longer a part of my life, I don't have to let him make me feel like this. He also brought home a rotisserie chicken for dinner (which, I love usually) but I had French Toast on my mind all day. So what did my honey do? He put the chicken in the fridge and made me French Toast, while I showered away the stress (and kiddie germs) of the day. :)

It makes me wonder why sometimes we have to go through not so pleasant things to get to our French Toast Fairy Tales? I wonder why, my honey and I, hadn't gotten together sooner in life? I suppose everything happens a certain way for a reason.

For Valentine's Day I gave him a small heart covered mailbox with a months worth of reasons, of why I love him. A different one each day. Go ahead, barf at the cheesiness of it all. But ironically, the one he opened today read:

"I love you because...I feel like I've been given a second chance at love and life, just by being with you."

I guess my point is, sometimes things aren't perfect the first time around, whether it be love, pregnancies, or any of the other "big" moments in life. Sometimes, you just need to be given that second chance to have your fairy tale.

And if it happens to come with french toast and bacon, well that's just a bonus :)

Making a list and checking it twice...

I feel like I'm in limbo. I just want to feel as if I'm moving forward in this IF process, and not just stitting still. But unfortunately, it includes quite a bit of waiting. My appointment with the OB/GYN is on friday. I'm having my annual but we are also going to discuss the next "move." I'm trying to not put too much pressure on this one visit or expect too much. Although, I'm very concerned about moving backwards. I know that my honey is going to need an SA. But basically I am hoping they will be a little more aggressive with treatment, than the military doctors in Hawaii were. I don't want to do another year of fertility drugs and monitoring, I want to get to the bottom of why it's so hard for me to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I want some answers. And that's why I'm making a list and checking it twice. I'm writing down all the questions I have, so that on Friday I'm not like a deer in headlights. I'm wondering if they will refer me to an RE? Which I would be fine with. I feel like the military doctors just pumped me full of drugs and hoped for the best. I think I have PCOS, but have never been diagnosed "officially." I guess for the past two years I have been playing doctor myself. Trying to figure out why this is happening, or not happening should I say. For once, I'd like a professional to help me out and take charge of my infertility for me. I'm hoping AF will leave town before Friday, because I'm just not a fan of bringing her along with me to the appointment! If she's still hanging out, I'm going to have to try and reschedule for a few days later.

I've been reading about that relaxation program, Circle + Bloom. Has anyone used it? Does it help? I'm thinking about ordering it. I need something, besides pinot grigio to relax me :)

p.s.-I started watching that Sperm show I was talking about in my last post. Turned it off within five minutes. Way too weird. They had like hundreds of men pretending to be sperm and climbing mountains and swimming streams. Um, no. Remote please.

Hope everyone has a great start to their week...

Wine and Sperm.

I apologize if this post, includes a whole lot of rambling. We just returned from my friends "K & B's" St. Patrick's Day party. To be honest, lately I feel like that commercial for a depression medication. The one where the girl needs to be "wound up" all the time, just to get through the day. Earlier, I wasn't even sure if I would make it to the party. Sounds dramatic, but for the past few months my idea of a good time is sitting at home on the couch, watching a movie with my honey or blogging about the baby I should be carrying. But tonight I wanted to be out, I wanted to see my friends and the new house they bought. My cousin "L" came with us, and it was great to see her and hang out. Between chatting about the Mets, our family, and life...we got talking about sperm banks. If you were a single chick in her thirties would you consider conceiving a baby through a sperm bank? I would. This conversation also got me thinking about how different this world is. There was once a time, where having a baby without being married was considered shameful. Not today. Anything goes, and I think that's wonderful. Who's to say which "situation" is better to bring up a child? Gay, straight, single, married, engaged...who cares!!?? As long as that child, is well taken care of and loved, then what does it matter. My mind is on the whole sperm thing, because earlier today I saw a commercial for an entire show dedicated to SPERM. I think it airs Sunday March 14th on the National Geographic Channel. The preview for it was weird. Really weird. I think I might watch it though. When I think of sperm in this whole process of TTC, I automatically think of the movies "Look Who's Talking," where in the beginnng they show the whole process of the talking sperm swimming towards the egg. Go ahead and laugh, but I know you know what I'm talking about :) I'm starting to think I should consume more wine. On a regular basis. Because it seems to calm me and make me relax. I feel good right now, not intoxicated, but it has taken the "edge" off. Ahhhh.....

Although, trying to make a baby and alcohol don't mix. And the reason I'm so ok with drinking wine tonight, is because AF showed her annoying face today. Yup, she's back. I was expecting her, but I still played the whole "Well, what if..." game this week. As in, what if this exhaustion means I'm pregnant, what if these weird twinges (like I had when I was preggo) are the real thing again? What if, my crying at the drop of a hat is preggo hormones? What if, I've just gone crazy...

At least I don't have to drop another $14.00 at Wal-Mart tomorrow on a pregancy test. There's the positive (no pun intended).

I had a good time tonight though, thanks to some people I love :)

Maybe tomorrow after dinner at my Grandma's, I'll cuddle up with a bottle of wine and the Sperm show on National Geographic. Good times.

"No, not yet. "

Today was our Winter Festival at work. It was supposed to be in February, but was rescheduled because of a car crashing into the classroom. Yes, you read that correctly. Thankfully, no one was hurt. But it caused some construction chaos, so they decided it would be best to have it in March. The festival is always a good time for the kids. Lots of balloons and fun activities for the little ones and their parents to enjoy. Creative activities, thought up by some extremely creative women. I was manning the playdough table, when one of the little boys from my class and his dad came and sat down. The dad and I got chatting about how fun playdough is, how well his son could "cut" with the playdough tool, and how the dad was glad to finally have a day off. And then the dad asked " Do you have any children?" All within a few seconds, my heartbeat tripled, my throat closed up and I found myself wanting to just close my eyes and crawl under the table. " No, not yet" I answered, with a smile. A fake smile and a quiet "No, not yet." The dad was just making friendly conversation and I thought it was super sweet he was spending time with his son like this. I wanted to say " Hold him close, you are so so blessed." But honestly, it looked like he already knew this :)

I'm kind of proud of myself for responding with "No, not yet." Instead of just "No."

The new definition of the word "Yet" : Hope.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be a busy weekend, but that's ok. As long as I can sleep without an alarm set, I'm good. My unreliable friend AF, still hasn't showed. I'm not liking this itinerary that my post mc body has come up with. And before you think it, no I'm not pregnant.

Not yet, anyways...

It's "What The Hell?" Wednesday...

Feeling kind of blah and my blog brain is a little slow this week. So, instead of my usual hate party on IF, I'm going to throw a hate parade for this South Korean couple. "M" at work told me about this story last week.

Check out the story. It'll have you saying something like "Seriously??!!" or maybe the usual " Why can these people reproduce and we can't??!!"

http://thenextweb.com/asia/2010/03/06/south-korean-couple-let-baby-starve-to-death-while-nurturing-a-virtual-child-online/

Sorry, for the long URL address. I can't get my links to work. Surprise, surprise. I failed Blogging 101.

Pink or Blue?

Definitely, blue. As in feeling blue...

We would have found out the sex of the baby this week. I just can't believe it really. I knew this week was going to creep up on us soon enough. I'm just sad to imagine how happy and excited we would have been. To finally pick a name, to go shopping for baby stuff, to even just say out loud "our baby girl or "our baby boy." It's crushing me to think of what was supposed to be...

My honey and I, constantly think of ridiculous names to call our kids. Just for fun and to make each other laugh. Right now, we tend to joke about boy names. And so far, we have Raul, Diggy and Chauncey. It's really funny what we come up with. I like it. Because, any moment spent laughing so hard that it hurts, is way better than crying because it hurts. I had a feeling though that our first baby was going to be a boy. From the moment we found out that we were preggo, I just had these "boy vibes." Then after the miscarriage I had that dream about a baby boy. And our "box-o-mets" baby stuff, is a little boyish. Well, a little girl will rock it too someday, but when I bought the Met's bib to announce the news, I pictured it on a beautiful baby boy. A beautiful baby boy, drooling and dripping baby food out of his mouth, actually. :)

Sigh. I'm just trying to get through this week, with little to no tears. I can't promise anything, though. I'm still functioning, that's a good sign right? Still going to work, still breathing in and out, still eating-drinking-bathing, still madly in love with honey:) All is well. "All is well" as in, functioning.

And to add an extra fun ingredient to the week--AF is arriving any second now. Boo to that. Since the miscarriage, my cycle has been all over the place. But I know she is on her way, with all her baggage. Killer cramps and mood swings. Yay.


I'm off to watch American Idol with my love. He's pretty sick with a bad cold and something is brewing with me too. Strep is wiping out the kids at work, and a girl in my class pretty much barfed on me today. I can't afford to be sick again. If I could travel around in a bubble, and not freak people out, I would...

Goodnight to you. And goodnight, my pink or blue...

And the Oscar goes to...A Purple Flower!

I've been kind of excited all day. I think Spring has arrived in New York. I really love winter and the snow, but I think today literally put a "spring" in my step. It was such a beautiful day, in the 50's and sunny! The nice weather and preview of the new season to come, has me hopeful...

The icing on my "hope cake" today was a small patch of purple flowers. I was walking out the door and happened to look down. Amongst the mud and weeds, was the prettiest patch of bright purple flowers, with orange middles. Beautiful. They stopped me in my tracks and put a smile on my face. A purple flower gave me hope that good things are going to happen this year. I forgot to mention it to my honey when I came home. And right before dinner, he must have found the hope flower patch on his own, because he surprised me with one pretty purple flower, with an orange middle. :)

I'm watching the Oscars. Here are my thoughts so far...

Kathy Ireland is just plain weird,ok. I think she thought she was in the middle of a beauty pageant. Sandra Bullock looks stunning! And I hope she wins. Is anyone else just tired of George Clooney? His wifey there is sort of strange, does she even talk? I don't think I'll ever be tired of Meryl Streep. She's an amazing actress. If you haven't seen the movie "One True Thing." Please do. Wonderful movie, and Meryl rocks it. The Oscars set is awesome, kind of has that 30's-40's theme going. I love it. Very classy. I know Tina Fey is only there to have a good time, but I love her. Can she be my friend?? I wish I were at the Oscars, in a gown that costs more than IVF and dripping with diamonds. Sighhhhh.

Oh well, I'll settle for just watching from my couch. I bet they're not serving Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia at the Oscars. Insert evil laugh here. I don't mind being home, anyways. Because I've got purple flowers, with orange middles, growing right outside my window...

A Beautiful Baby...Doll.

Something cute happened to me today. Well cute and a little sad, too. Unfortunately, it's easy for me to find sadness in most things that go on during the day. Or should I say, sadness in things that trigger a reminder that I was once pregnant. I may paint a picture with these blog posts, that I'm moping around all day like Eeyore with a frown. Not true at all. I have a lot to be thankful for and happy about. But since December, it's been hard, really hard, to not think of my baby. Being a preschool teacher, I'm fully submerged everyday in everything "baby." I think I've been doing pretty well, considering. I find myself being able to breathe again when I walk past the infant classroom, on the way to the bathroom. And when any of our little ones in class, lay their head on my shoulder for a snuggle, I snuggle them right back as if they were my own. And today something happened, that reminded me of a few things. My baby-that-would-have-been and my baby doll obsession from when I was a kid...

Today in the classroom, I was sitting on the floor and "pretending" to cry with my hands over my face (peeking through my fingers) and was waiting to see what some of the kids would do. Sometimes we do silly things at work to entertain them and make them laugh. So as I was "fake crying" I could see a couple of the girls coming up to me, looking worried, concerned and confused. Two year olds are easily amazed. One of them, ("Lil' A" we'll call her) was looking at me with a genuine I'm-so-sad-that-you're-sad kind of look. She then took the baby doll she was holding and offered it to me and said " Baby?." Her little way of trying to make me feel better. I uncovered my eyes and looked at the little baby doll lying in my lap. I hugged "Lil' A" and thought " Yes, Lil' A, a baby would make it all better."

When I was a little girl, I loved baby dolls. My friends and I would spend hours playing with our dolls. One of my best friends, "S" and I, took it to another level. We would throw birthday parties for them and actually buy (or get our parents to buy) little birthday cakes or mini pies to have. We would even walk our dolls in strollers around the neighborhood! And this baby doll craze went on for longer, than we probably care to admit :) But we had so much fun, playing "mommy." The Barbie days were filled with babies, too. Barbie and Ken would always, always have a baby. They just weren't complete without one. Or four. I sort of miss those days of when everything was left to the imagination, and "life" hadn't really begun. The innocence of not really knowing anything, is such a luxury. Can you imagine telling a little girl, "Hey kid, have fun with your baby dolls, because that's as close as you might get to becoming a mommy!" Ouch.

I know it will happen, one way or another. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. But I know, it's not my destiny to be in this world "babyless." It's just not.

I'm so glad it's Friday. A much needed weekend is upon us! I'm looking forward to spending some QT with my love and relaxing. I had this crazy urge to start cleaning tonight. Yes, on a Friday night! Crazy. I just couldn't sit down and relax until I vacuumed, did the dishes, started some laundry and dusted! Usually, I save the cleaning for later in the weekend. But tonight, it was like a "must-do-immediately" urge to clean. Maybe it's the iced coffee I inhaled today at lunch. Or perhaps, just knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow. My goal is to not open my eyes before 9 am.

I also had the urge to watch some good movies tonight. You know, the "feel good" kind that they play on TBS or USA. Like 'Wedding Crashers' or 'Serendipity.' I'm bummed because, neither of those are on. Even all the Directv movie channels, aren't showing any "feel-gooders." Soooo, now I'm watching 'Silence of the Lambs.' Yup.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. We all work hard and deserve every blissful minute of the happiest days of the week. And hold your babies tight, whether it's the child in your arms or the love of your life...

Baby Dolls count too :)

Twinkle Lights and an Angel

We love Christmas, my honey and I. So, after we took the tree down we were pretty bummed out that we would no longer have that pretty glowing tree to look at every night. It just "made" the living room. Made it more cozy, made it feel more like home. Shortly, after dragging our tree to the curb, we decided to get a fake tree/houseplant from the craft store. We then proceeded to wrap it in white twinkle lights, recycled from our beloved Christmas tree. Another item we added to the new fake tree was the little glass angel my mother gave us, right after the miscarriage. I have an abundance of angel tokens around me now. There's the glass ornament from my mom, the angel pin the hospital gave us, and the angel pin I wear on my coat that has the august birthstone in it. I had forgotten that we hung the glass angel on the new fake tree. Some of the twinkle lights had blown out, weeks ago, and I guess we've been too lazy to put a new strand in. So we've been just enjoying twinkle lights on the bottom half of the tree, hoping I guess that the lights would just change themselves. Well, the other day I went over to the tree, to see if it's just one strand out or two. And there it was. The little glass angel, resting amongst the fake leaves and recycled twinkle lights. I was surprised and shocked at myself that I had forgotten about the "whereabouts" of this one angel. It got me thinking that even though we may not see things anymore, or have it in our arms, or in our belly, it's still there. Like this angel showing up, even when I didn't realize it was even around. If the glass angel and I were to have a conversation, this is probably how it would go...

Glass Angel: Oh hey, Mom. I'm still here hanging around. The real tree smelled prettier. What is this crap?

Me:Oh hey, Baby. I, I, ummm forgot you were there. Sorry (frown). It's a fake tree, will never die. Your mom isn't so great with plants. And don't say "crap," it's not nice. We miss you, when are you coming back?


Glass Angel: Oh, I'll be back, don't you worry. For now, I'm just gonna float around in these twinkle lights, and these wings are pretty cool.

Me: Ok, Baby. Be careful. We'll be here.

Glass Angel: I won't be long and I'll be watching over you and Dad. Why does Dad always watch ESPN, mom?

Me: Because that's what Dads do, Baby. Amongst other things.

Glass Angel: Oh ok. Goodnight mom. I'll be around if you need me.

Me: We love you.

Glass Angel: Love you too. Tell Dad I said, "Lets Go Mets."


Yup, just made up an imaginary conversation between myself and glass. That's normal, right? :) My point is, is that our baby is still with us, in spirit... in our heart...and in a glass angel...

And that's ok.

Baby Daddy

I'm tired tonight. I was up late last night watching the 3 hour Bachelor finale, baking muffins for the Baby Daddy breakfast at work today, and my asthma is annoying the crap out of me again. As I type this, I have a neb tube in my mouth. We women are awesome at multi-tasking. Don't you agree? But yeah, I'm tired. It was a long and busy day. Every March we have a breakfast for the dads at work. And in May we do one for the mothers. As I was looking around our classroom today at all the dads with their kids, I couldn't help but think of how wonderful my honey will be someday as a "Baby Daddy." I've always wanted my (future) children and their Dad to have a wonderful and close relationship. That's always been important to me, that I choose someone who will exceed every expectation of fatherhood. I didn't get that feeling with my ex, one of a few red flags I suppose. But I just cannot wait for our "someday" baby, to meet it's Baby Daddy...

Today my honey was doing a job in Cooperstown NY, where the Baseball Hall of Fame is. The guy who they were doing the install for, decided to tip them in baseball stuff. He owns a memorabilia store. So, they went in and picked a few things out. My honey picked up a Mets hat for himself and a Mets hat for me. Tonight, when I got home from work he was showing me the hat and said "I almost got something else, they had this really cute Mets baby bottle, and I thought we could put it in 'the box', but I didn't want to make you sad." I couldn't find any sadness in hearing this, because it was possibly the cutest thing ever, but it tugged at my heart a little. Because I know he's a little sad too and that he wishes this never happened. IF and miscarriages hurt the baby daddies too. They may deal with it differently than us, but they feel it too.

I'm finding some humor in the fact, that we are going to have a box full of baby Mets stuff, and no baby. Do we need psychological help?? :) Nah. We are each other's therapists. It's free and it comes with cuddling.

I didn't get to share my thoughts on Brothers & Sisters the other night. Well, what I said was "ouch" and that pretty much sums it up. When rebecca said she felt like her body "let her down" and that she feels so "broken" I had to remind myself to take a breath.

My body has let me down, repeatedly. And I am broken, for now.

But at least we have a box full of baby Mets stuff. This "someday" baby has no chance of becoming a Yankees fan. Or a Phillies fan, for that matter...

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A 3 hour Bachelor Finale, making muffins for a work function and a Neb treatment= No time to blog!

Anyone see Brothers & Sisters last night? Ouch.

To be continued...