Something cute happened to me today. Well cute and a little sad, too. Unfortunately, it's easy for me to find sadness in most things that go on during the day. Or should I say, sadness in things that trigger a reminder that I was once pregnant. I may paint a picture with these blog posts, that I'm moping around all day like Eeyore with a frown. Not true at all. I have a lot to be thankful for and happy about. But since December, it's been hard, really hard, to not think of my baby. Being a preschool teacher, I'm fully submerged everyday in everything "baby." I think I've been doing pretty well, considering. I find myself being able to breathe again when I walk past the infant classroom, on the way to the bathroom. And when any of our little ones in class, lay their head on my shoulder for a snuggle, I snuggle them right back as if they were my own. And today something happened, that reminded me of a few things. My baby-that-would-have-been and my baby doll obsession from when I was a kid...
Today in the classroom, I was sitting on the floor and "pretending" to cry with my hands over my face (peeking through my fingers) and was waiting to see what some of the kids would do. Sometimes we do silly things at work to entertain them and make them laugh. So as I was "fake crying" I could see a couple of the girls coming up to me, looking worried, concerned and confused. Two year olds are easily amazed. One of them, ("Lil' A" we'll call her) was looking at me with a genuine I'm-so-sad-that-you're-sad kind of look. She then took the baby doll she was holding and offered it to me and said " Baby?." Her little way of trying to make me feel better. I uncovered my eyes and looked at the little baby doll lying in my lap. I hugged "Lil' A" and thought " Yes, Lil' A, a baby would make it all better."
When I was a little girl, I loved baby dolls. My friends and I would spend hours playing with our dolls. One of my best friends, "S" and I, took it to another level. We would throw birthday parties for them and actually buy (or get our parents to buy) little birthday cakes or mini pies to have. We would even walk our dolls in strollers around the neighborhood! And this baby doll craze went on for longer, than we probably care to admit :) But we had so much fun, playing "mommy." The Barbie days were filled with babies, too. Barbie and Ken would always, always have a baby. They just weren't complete without one. Or four. I sort of miss those days of when everything was left to the imagination, and "life" hadn't really begun. The innocence of not really knowing anything, is such a luxury. Can you imagine telling a little girl, "Hey kid, have fun with your baby dolls, because that's as close as you might get to becoming a mommy!" Ouch.
I know it will happen, one way or another. It's not going to be easy, that's for sure. But I know, it's not my destiny to be in this world "babyless." It's just not.
I'm so glad it's Friday. A much needed weekend is upon us! I'm looking forward to spending some QT with my love and relaxing. I had this crazy urge to start cleaning tonight. Yes, on a Friday night! Crazy. I just couldn't sit down and relax until I vacuumed, did the dishes, started some laundry and dusted! Usually, I save the cleaning for later in the weekend. But tonight, it was like a "must-do-immediately" urge to clean. Maybe it's the iced coffee I inhaled today at lunch. Or perhaps, just knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow. My goal is to not open my eyes before 9 am.
I also had the urge to watch some good movies tonight. You know, the "feel good" kind that they play on TBS or USA. Like 'Wedding Crashers' or 'Serendipity.' I'm bummed because, neither of those are on. Even all the Directv movie channels, aren't showing any "feel-gooders." Soooo, now I'm watching 'Silence of the Lambs.' Yup.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. We all work hard and deserve every blissful minute of the happiest days of the week. And hold your babies tight, whether it's the child in your arms or the love of your life...
Baby Dolls count too :)