Infertility kicked my ass today. Ohhh. Yes. It. Did.
I had an appointment today at the OB/GYN. The one that was supposed to happen last week, but because my friend decided to stick around I had to reschedule. Basically, because since they were doing some "fertility" testing, they said my friend had to be gone. One of the things I learned today is that I'm an infertile pushover. I'm too nice and lenient and I care too much about not ruffling any feathers. And that has to stop if I want to get ahead at all in this process. Sit back and relax (maybe grab a beverage) as I paint a picture of my morning...
I opted to go to this appointment alone. Just me and my list of questions. I just felt that I needed to have an attack and conquer mentality and that I needed to do it by myself without any hand holding. Just this one time. Thursday night I re-wrote my list of concerns and questions, using my good pen and my fancy cursive. I wanted to go into the appointment prepared, instead of ending up like a deer in headlights. Go me, right? Wrong.
I walked into the office feeling pretty good, actually. My nerves weren't as bad as I remembered them being the last few times I was there. Probably because I wasn't pregnant this time, with a terrifying a fear that I was miscarrying. Or the second time, post miscarriage, hand in hand with our heads hung low. This time was different, I was simply getting my annual and then starting some "hope" testing. As I sat in the waiting room, I flipped through a PEOPLE magazine. Ironically, the first article I came upon was Giuliana & Bill and their IF struggle and then the next article I flipped to was how this one chef is using his fiancee's breastmilk to make cheese! Yup, CHEESE! Gag. Anyways, I waited patiently and even took the kicks to my uterus pretty well, every time a cute baby bump walked through the door. Go me, right? Wrong.
When they called me in, my first task was to pee in a cup. Then on to the exam room. I have to tell you that I secretly fantasized that the nurse would come running into the room, waving a pee stick saying "Surprise! You're pregnant!." Didn't happen though. A nurse came in and did all the preliminary stuff and question-asking. Then she asked if it would be alright if the NP student observed my exam. My immediate thought was " Ohhhh man. No freakin way!" But what came out of my mouth was " Yeah, sure no problem." Ugh. I had to double check with the nurse about starting the fertility testing, because she only mentioned the annual exam. And this is where I started getting nervous. Next thing I know, the NP student marches in, chats for a minute and then I realize SHE's doing the exam. Not the awesome NP I trust. But do I say anything? No. The student started the exam and couldn't get to my cervix. Ouch. She then went to get the NP (I trust) and had her do it. By this point, I'm just a little annoyed. As awesome NP is finishing up my exam, I brought up some of my fertility testing questions and awesome NP got a little less awesome-er. I really didn't feel like she was hearing me. I felt rushed and I felt like she was annoyed that she had to be dealing with me. Turns out that she only could do one culture test on me today and that I would have to come back in two weeks for bloodwork and an ultrasound. She was talking a mile a minute and it all got blurry. Next thing I know, I'm in a full blown emotional meltdown. Crying. No...sobbing. In front of NP used-to-be-awesome and her apprentice. Soooo embarrassing. I kept apologizing, because I felt like such a jerk for crying like that. And I have to say that their bedside manner, wasn't at it's finest today. I then told them that I'm looking for a specialist and that I want to be aggressive and move forward in all of this. (Oh-and through this whole breakdown, I'm sitting there covered in pretty much nothing. I think the "cover up" paper towels they give you are getting smaller and thinner! They might as well have handed me a napkin. A cheap napkin.) Anyways, I left there feeling embarrassed, sad and not satified with the info I received. However, I did leave with a few things. A SA script for my honey, two numbers for a specialist and a fire in my belly. I am not going to be this easy to just shuffle off anymore! I'm going to take charge of my IF. I'm going back on 6th for the bloodwork and ultrasound and then "bye-bye" OB/GYN...see you when the fertility specialist gets me pregnant! In all fairness, I know sometimes doctors and nurses have their bad or busy days. I know this and I'm not going to take today personally. I still like NP awesome. My next task is to call the specialists on Monday. Let's hope they're not booked up 'till 2011. I am totally all over this. Go me, right? Wrong.
My mom met me briefly after my appointment to see how it went. She's really good at making me feel loved. And she even talked me down, up and out of my sadness and frustration I was feeling. I then headed to work. Just a couple hours I needed to get through, without crying..without feeling defeated and sad. I could do it! Turns out, I couldn't. The two other teachers I work with are very supportive of my IF struggles. I had to talk to my boss about another upcoming appointment and I had a question about paid leave time. As I was talking with my boss and another director, I just burst out crying again. Actually, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Because I just felt like a jerk again, for having another breakdown in public..TWICE in the same day! They were super supportive though :) Thank goodness, because I probably would have crawled away and died if they had looked at me like the NP and her mini-me did earlier in the day...
It was so nice to finally come home and hug my honey tonight. His hugs are just like this "Ahhh I'm home" feeling. I love it. And he sat and listened to me vent about my rollercoaster of a day. Plus, he can make me laugh like no one else can. I am going to sleep well tonight. The emotional exhaustion has definitely out-weighed the physical exhaustion today. At least, what I did get out of today was clarity. One more appointment with the OB/GYN and then on to the real deal. No more messin' around. This is going to happen. I am in charge.
Go me, right? Right. :)