Sunday, March 21, 2010

Rocks.

Lots of rocks this weekend. Five to be exact...

This week one of my best friends got engaged. Very excited for her and her bling :) This, is rock number one. Saturday, my honey and I headed to Bash Bish Falls to do some hiking. It's about an hour drive from where we live and we've been wanting to do it for months now, but then winter came. So, being that the weather was absolutely gorgeous on Saturday, we got in the car and headed to the falls! We hiked to the falls, climbed the rocks, sat and talked by the falls, and just enjoyed the beauty of it all. It was fun. That was rock number two. After the falls, we stopped and visited my Nana. She doesn't live too far from the falls, so we popped in to see her. She was so excited and surprised, it was great. It doesn't take much to make her happy and I was glad we could do just that. She's 88 and one of my favorite people. She had us cracking up as we left, because she never lets anyone one leave without something, so she insisted we take two sodas. I walked out with the two cans and she said " There are some straws on the counter, honey." And I said " Oh that's ok I don't need a straw, Nana." She gave me a look and I laughed, " Is it not lady-like to drink from a can without a straw?" She gave me the same look and said " Nooo!." Sometimes, I wish I grew up during the time period she did. A simpler time. My Nana is rock number three, the rock of our family...

Rock number four came about Saturday night. In the form of rock bottom. I'm not really sure how it came upon me, but it was bad. I actually think I hadn't felt so bad and cried so hard since the actual miscarriage. Even after a wonderful day hiking the falls with my honey, rock bottom still hit. We were figuring out what do to for dinner, what we wanted to do later in the night, whether we wanted to nap or not, just normal things. And then it hit me like a freight train. I've been warned of this happening. I've had some hard moments and tears since December, but Saturday night was probably the worst. The pain just felt so raw again, like it had just happened. I was so so sad, and nothing was making it better. It reminded me of when we were being discharged from the hospital and there was a moment where it was just me and the nurse in the room (she had suffered a mc when she was younger as well) she said " It's in the quiet, normal day-to-day things where it can hit you hard." Matt just didn't know what to do, besides hug me and tell me it was going to be ok. It was just awful and sad. We even talked about talking with a counselor. I know I should. But there's a part of me that thinks it might make it worse, because it will just dig up more things..and dig..and dig. I feel like blogging and talking with friends and Matt really helps. And I just want to chalk up Saturday night as an isolated sadness. But should I? Being balled up in his arms, crying so hard that my eyes are puffy...probably isn't normal. I just wish I could know what is normal, three months after losing a baby. Besides, hitting rock bottom on Saturday, I feel like I'm functioning pretty well. So I don't know. Maybe because I'm trying so hard to make it be okay, when it doesn't feel okay, that makes me explode with all this emotion? I just wish December never happened. But it did.

I'll be ok. Matt and I will be ok. He is my rock, rock number five in this story. We are pretty good at picking each other up and wiping each other off, and loving each other even more, than the day before. He reminded me that I've been through some pretty major things in the past year. And I do have to give myself a little room in terms of feeling well again.

So, that all. Just me holding close my box of rocks.

5 comments:

Brittany Ann said...

Some rocks are good...Some are so painful. More like stones in your heals. I'm so sorry about your hitting rock bottom. I know exactly how you feel. It does get a little easier and numb-er in time.

Amber said...

Hang in there. I still have moments where I break down over all we've been through. But those get a little easier and less frequent over time. I'm so sorry!

wait, what? said...

I'm sorry that you hit rock bottom. Hugs.

Jennifer said...

Your grandmother sounds amazing! So very sorry for your rock bottom time. I've had those and sometimes I think they are a necessary part of healing. At least for me they seem to be. I feel awful and look awful after it, but also kind of cleansed. Does that make sense? Probably not. ha! Hoping you have a great day. ((HUGS))

Michelle said...

I remember driving down the road one day, talking to my husband on the phone and I just lost it. We weren't even talking about baby stuff, I just got so upset and it was like that uncontrollable cry all over again. I'm praying that things get better and know that it does get better.