NEED PRAYERS PLEASE :(

Today was one of the scariest days of our lives. I started bleeding at work after cramping a bit during the day. I called my doctor's office and they told me to come up immediately. My husband met me there...

Lots of tears have been shed today. We are so terrified that we are miscarrying again. The u/s did show that the gestational sac had grown since Monday and there is definitely a yolk sac now! My beta on Monday was 2010. Today my beta is 3,825.6. We are breathing a sigh of relief that it went up. It didn't double, but it's close to tw0-thirds? I don't know what to think. On paper things look "ok." But my body is telling me otherwise. The cramping I'm feeling isn't like the normal cramps I've been getting. And what the hell is up with the bleeding? They couldn't really detect anything on the u/s showing where the bleeding was coming from. But every time I pee there is some in the toilet and when I wipe. Almost a watery red. But then right when I got home from the doctors, there was a small gush of bright red. I am beyond scared. I know women can have bleeding in early pregnancy and be ok, but I think the cramps are scaring me more.

The staff at the doctor's office were being very hopeful and reassuring, but I couldn't help but cry the whole time. The u/s tech was saying how beautiful the gest sac and yolk sac looked, but I can't help but think, "Yeah it's still there only because I haven't passed it yet." So awful to think, I know. But this is so scary. I came home and was crying and praying to God to please not take this baby, that he already has one of our angel babies....

I would feel better if they did see something in my uterus that's causing the bleeding so we'd have an answer. If we are meant to have a not-so-easy pregnancy, so be it. But please, God, please just let us keep this baby and deliver it in nine months...

The nurses were saying I could be really dehydrated, and that's what might be causing the cramping. She asked if I were drinking enough and I said "probably not." I have a water bottle in the classroom with me, but we are so busy that I only take a sip here and there. The nurse said I should be drinking 8fl 0z an hour...at least! So yeah, definitely haven't been doing that. I'm on bed rest tomorrow and I am PRAYING that after some rest and lots of hydration, that the cramping goes away and the bleeding miraculously stops....

We would greatly appreciate any prayers...thank you...

Attractive? Not so much.

I'm bloated, fat, nothing fits me right.

I'm tired, starving all the time and peeing often.

My face is breaking out bigtime, it's shiny, and I think I'm growing a beard.

Wonderful.

But I'm pregnant.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

2010...and I'm not talking about the year :)

My beta today was 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO happy :) The nurse said it should be at 700-1000 today at the rate I was going...so THANK YOU GOD for an over-achieving beta today!!! What a relief.

It looks like we have one Lil' Miracle growing! The nurse said we might not see anything at all today and not to be worried. But she saw one gestational sac and I could swear I saw a white dot sort of thing in the middle (maybe a yolk sack?) but she said it's too early. But I'm just going to pretend it was :) She also said that one could be hiding out...but most likely it's just the one Lil' Miracle :)

Please God, please let Lil' Miracle grow and grow and grow!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in love with him/her already...

I feel like crap today. I feel like I've been going 90 miles an hour all day. I can't wait to just sit on the couch and relax!!!

Thank you all for the support!! :) I feel like I'm coming out of Beta Hell :)

I want to be throwing up.

I know, I know. Be careful what you wish for.

But I'm so worried that I'm not feeling nauseous or throwing up. I guess I'm at 5wks 1day. The only symptoms I'm having is I'm a littler more tired, I get weak really fast if I'm doing too much and I have a constant headache. And I'm super emotional. Plus, I'm starving all the time but that could be the steroid. I felt really nauseous only one day about a week and a half ago.

Anyone else have a healthy pregnancy without morning sickness?

I'm addicted...

Hi, my name is Sarah (Hi, Sarah!) and I'm addicted to Crinone...

Yes, I have an addiction to my progesterone supplement.


Every time I put it in I feel like I am saving my baby(ies). I feel like I am doing something good for them. So it gives me a thrill like feeling when it's crinone time. Yeah, it's gross and messy. But it makes me feel like I am taking some sort of control of our baby's progress. I'll be terrified when they tell me to stop taking it at some point...

Tomorrow is a big day for us. I am praying to all sorts of God's, Saints, Arch Angels, fertility statues...

To my calculations ( and I'm no math major) our third beta needs to be at least 450. At the very least. It rose only about 90 on the second beta, so if I am a slow riser than it needs to go up at least the same. So I figured it needs to be at least 450 on Monday. Praying that it's much much higher than that though. And we know this u/s is early, but we are hoping to at least see a gest sac and yolk sac...

Hurricane Irene has arrived. Lots of wind and rain. Still have power at the moment in our town. Hope it stays that way! :)

EDITED: Ok, I need a beta of at least 700 according to my blogger friend Tonya. Thanks Tonya! So please God at least 700!

Imposter.

I made an appearance in Target's and Macy's maternity section today. My mom and I went out to lunch and I wanted to pick up a few things. Just more leggings and one pair of maternity jeans. Yes, I know it's super early for all that. But I have been so uncomfortable since starting IVF. And now I have early pregnancy bloat as well. I've literally worn leggings and dresses to work the last few weeks. Shopping in the maternity section wasn't as thrilling as I thought it was going to be. For a few reasons. The first being that I felt like an imposter and "unworthy" of shopping where pregnant people do. I actually felt more anxiety than I did happiness. I was also feeling pretty sick. Really tired and weak and I seem to have a constant headache. So I wasn't a great shopping buddy today. I'm hoping that (God willing) this pregnancy moves along and someday I will love shopping in the maternity section. And actually feel like I belong! My mom bought us a really cute baby name book today, so it's been fun looking through that :) She was so cute too, because she sat in a chair in Barnes & Noble and read this book about pregnancy for awhile, while I browsed.

We are bracing for Hurricane Irene to show up. I really hope the power doesn't go out, but I'm 99% sure that it will...

An earthquake and hurricane all in one week?? Geez.

Beta Hell

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. They really did calm me down a bit! It's still pretty crappy being in "beta hell", however, I am doing okay. I have my moments where the scary fears show up and it's all I can think about. But then there are moments where I REFUSE to let them in and I am back to being a happy pregnant girl and daydreaming about what's to come! All we can do is pray that Monday's beta and u/s bring us wonderful news.

I peed on a stick this morning. It went well :)

I did something today that I probably shouldn't have. I called my old OB's office to find out my old beta numbers. Right before we miscarried in 2009, we had two visits with her. And two betas. I never found out what those numbers were, and I really wanted to compare them to the beta's I got this week. I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday (total surprise), then started spotting that following Tuesday, had an "emergency" appt on Wednesday where they took blood (Beta 897) and found one sac with nothing in it "yet." Then I had a blood work again that Friday (Beta 414). They called and told me it was over. I miscarried the following day. I was really shocked to hear today that my first beta with them was 897. Compared to my 142.6 this time. They had measured the sac at 4wks 2days. But I'm thinking my beta was so high because I had been pregnant longer, but the sac had stopped developing? I know beta numbers can vary with each pregnancy. But I was a little blown away with the 897.

I know I wasn't going to talk about my fears. But I think my biggest fear is that God will do this to us again. That this could end badly. I'm mad that I even have to have this fear! We are just praying so hard that one healthy baby is still going strong!! I pray all day every day. I bargain with God. I'm trying so hard to be strong, and stop stressing and think positive! But it's almost like someone telling you to "keep breathing, but plug your nose and close your mouth."

Now that I vented a bit. Here's what I really believe (or want to believe). I'm choosing to believe that my slow rising beta is just that, slow. That by Monday it will have hit four digits at least. I'm choosing to believe that we do have at least one still going strong! And that he or she is a little fighter and wants us just as much as we want him/her. I'm choosing to believe my body is doing what it's supposed to in order to grow this baby. I'm choosing to believe that lightening won't strike us twice :( And I'm choosing to believe that since there's a going to be a full moon on Monday (I think) that some magic will happen :)

Kindaaaa a little scared about this approaching hurricane. This is first time we are considering running out and buying survival supplies. As in flashlights, candles and food to feed a preggo if we are without electricity. Although, I do prefer my pickles super cold.

I have been really tired. In fact, I may go to bed right now. Please forgive me for lacking in the commenting department. I will catch up soon!

Prayers and encouragement needed please!

Ok, I'm going to tell you what went down today. And then I'm going to ask you to pray for us please. And then I am going to think nothing but positive thoughts for the next four days...

Are you ready? Ok.

I went to my second beta this morning.  But before I entered the room I heard another nurse yell out " Wait a minute, I need to hug this girl!" Guess who it was? You know the nurse I was telling you about months ago? Well, it was her. And it was really sweet. The other nurse took my blood quick and I was out the door...

I waited around all day. No one called. Finally at 3:30 I went and checked the lab results online. To my absolute horror, the beta didn't double. It was 224.5. The nurse said this morning they at least like to see it go up two thirds, that it didnt have to double. And so, if you do the math, our second beta didn't quite make it to that point. I'm not going to lie. I'm absolutely so scared and crushed. The nurse didn't seem concerned though because I was almost to "two thirds" and they still went ahead scheduled my first u/s and next beta for Monday. So technically our beta #'s only went up 81.9 "points." I am happy that it went UP, but still extremely worried. My nurse friend who used to work at a fertility clinic, talked me off the ledge. She said it could be that

more than one started out and then stopped growing, maybe only leaving one. But she did say it was so important that I remain positive and hopeful and happy for the next few days. So, girls, that is exactly what I'm going to do! I'm going to repeat over and over again....

"I am pregnant. I will stay pregnant. We will have at least one healthy baby at the end of this."

Any prayers or encouraging words you have to spare are GREATLY appreciated :)

PS-I forgot to mention that my friend at work cut into a red pepper and guess what was inside? Two baby peppers. We both thought it was a "sign." Please God, please let it be a sign....

The Day After

Still in shock. Still so happy :)

And I'm trying super hard to put all my fears out of my mind. I want to enjoy every second of this pregnancy:)

During the day yesterday I was so sad. I just had this horrible feeling that it didn't work. My blood work was at 8:30. Normally they call with results by 11:30. They didn't call me and leave a message until 3:00! They close at 4. So all day I kept thinking that it couldn't be good news if they waited this long to call. I didn't check the message at work because if it was bad I didn't want to be crying at work. But still even after I saw they finally called a horrible sadness came over me. I was in tears on the ride home. My husband met me at home and we decided to check the results online first. I couldn't deal with listening to the message first and having to hear that sad voice of the nurse telling us it didn't work...again. So I sat crying on the couch, afraid to push the lab results button. And then I did...

And our world changed!!! We were both just sobbing and hugging each other. I'll never forget that moment.

We received so many calls, texts, emails, FB comments from friends and family. Yes, we are completely out! And yes even on FB! I don't even care. Like I said, we are going to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. Thinking positively and hoping for the best.

Guess what I did right after we finally listened to the nurse's message? I ran into the bathroom and peed on a stick JUST so I could see the words "Pregnant." :)

When we called my mom she was sitting out on her deck with my Nana and my aunt and my step-dad. When I told them the news they all started screaming and crying!!! It was the sweetest thing and music to our ears.

My friend Lauren also sent me the most fantastic text. It was a picture of her holding up a glass of champagne. And it said " I may or may not have sent my husband out to get us champagne to celebrate your beautiful growing family." How cute is that? My friend Kristen also sent me the sweetest email ever, that I just may have to print out and keep in a baby book :)

So basically, we are feeling so incredibly blessed. I haven't smiled this much in a long time. And thank you all for your comments, the amount of love and support I've gotten from all of you is nothing short of amazing. I promise catch up on all your blogs this week. My head is still spinning! And I'm struggling a little with feeling guilty that this worked for us, when I know there are so many of you out there waiting for your turn! :(

Tomorrow is another big day. It's our second beta! I'm praying so hard that it doubles!!! Pleaseee pleaseeeee double!!!

The question of the day yesterday from people was "How many are in there???!" :)

Please keep growing Little Miracle(s). You are so loved...

ps-Felt my first earthquake today! Crazzzzzyyyy. A friend of our's texted my husband and said " Your news is so big it shook the earth." :)

Miracle!!!!!

With tears in my eyes and a happiness in my heart that I can't even describe.....

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Beta was 142.6!!!! The nurse said they like to see at least 30 for the first beta!

It was a really sad day, up until 6pm.Will blog more later about it, but I just wanted to let you all know in case you were holding your breath :) Love you all and thank you so much for the prayers! THEY WERE ANSWERED!!!!!!

10dp5dt

Today I went and saw the movie "The Help" with my mom and my aunt. It was so good! Definitely did the book justice in my opinion. Quite the tear jerker. Not that we need anything else to bring on tears, right? :) But I highly recommend going to see it!

Tomorrow is beta day. HFS.

If anyone could be so kind to throw up some extra prayers for us, we would greatly appreciate it!!! :)

Haven't tested at home. I know some of you are proud and some of you are like "she must have a chemical imbalance." :)

Hoping to share some good news tomorrow evening....

Giveaway Winner!

And the winner is...

Jenny from the blog Jendometriosis! www.jennywithendo.blogspot.com

Congrats Jenny! She is the owner of these bad boys...

And I did (girl scout's honor) pick the winner out of a hat. The other entries were just as funny and great! :)

I had asked people to come up with a new fertility drug and it's side effects. The funnier the better. And then I asked them to tell me one thing infertility has taken from them and one thing it has given them.

Here are Jenny's answers in bold and then the honorable mention's below hers. Enjoy!

JENNY...

1) "Comadrel"-While you are technically "awake" and able to work or do your normal daily routine, your brain actually is benifiting from side effects which include a two week "coma" between ovulation day and testing day. During the coma you will not worry once about pregnancy, you will simply dream you are vacationing in your favourite place and when you wake up you will not care about a negative result...you will be at peace and ready for the next try.

2) Infertility took away my ability to actually enjoy my pregnancy when it finally arrived...it made me worry about losing my child the entire time and had me always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...it still continues to make me worry about my daughter...but I'm getting better and focusing on the miracle that she is instead of worrying about the future.

Infertility has given me a better relationship with my husband...it has shown us that no matter how much it hurts, we have each other and that we can get through anything together. It has made us a better team and I think better parents. I know that we will be together till death parts us.

Marissa from Eggs in a Basketcase...

1) Symptomnix--this handy dandy medication gets rid of all side effects felt by artificial progesterone, so you no longer have to wonder "Is this coming from being pregnant, or is it the damn Crinone?" Side effects include fever, sweating, nightmares, complete numbness from the neck down, blindness, protective metal casings sprouting around breasts, and the complete loss of your partner's sex drive. We think it will be very popular amongst those in the 2ww!

2) Infertility stole my bank account. It also lost me a few friends, any desire to have a relationship with my stepbrother and his wife, and much of my willingness to forgive people for their incredibly ignorant statements on reproduction and reproductive choices.

On the other hand, it did strengthen my marriage, win me a bunch of virtual-friends, and...well, never say never but I highly doubt I would have ever been pregnant with *twins* were it not for IVF.

Carpenters at I Just Haven't Met You Yet...

1) JustRelax. Side effects: Memory loss--you completely forget what it is like analyze every twinge or cramp in your body, and you even forget to look at the toilet paper when you wipe. Crazy...I know! You just live in a hazy world, that we just can't remember back before IF was all we saw, heard, felt, etc.

2) Infertility has taken away the simple act of being happy for another person, and has replaced it (most of it) with bitter, jealousy and sadness. It has however given me an opportunity to talk to my mother about her struggles conceiving (me)...and we would never of had that opportunity otherwise.

Erin at Time to Make the Baby...

1) Instabeta - Taking this pill on CD1 thins your blood enough to detect HCG the second the bean sticks, eliminating the dreaded tww. The second week is always the worst so testing after a week can reduce anxiety.

2) Infertility has taken away my sanity. I am no longer a wife, daughter, co-worker. I am a baby making machine 24/7 and that is all I can think about. Google this, don't eat/drink that, stay away from it, read more, research more. And on and on.

Infertility has given me a sense of purpose. Being married for so long gave us the ability to get to know each other, but it also gave us so much free time sometimes we wonder what this life is all for. Knowing we could possibly bring a baby into this world renewed our purpose and drives us to be the best everyday.

Thank you girls for entering!! :)

9dp5dt

And I shall not pee on a stick :)

Two more days...

All or Nothing.

Yesterday evening I started having the worst cramps that I've had so far through this cycle. They were constant and hurt pretty-freakin-bad. And what was scary was that it lasted all night long. Every time I woke up or got up to pee, they were still going strong. I was really nervous to wake up to this all being over. But thankfully, it's not over. The cramps lightened up this morning and this afternoon were they were gone. It really could be so many different things causing these cramps. I prayed that "I didn't care about the pain if that meant babies were growing in there, but to just please let it not be my period." And so far so good. Right now, I feel fine. A little tired but no "pregnancy symptoms." It's weird, I'm not satisfied with cramps or without. I want to feel something! But the cramps make me feel like it's my period. So it seems like it's all or nothing. I seem to go from feeling ALL these different "symptoms" to NOTHING at all. Sigh....

Three days till beta. HFS. Still unsure about testing at home. I guess the real reason I'm not jumping to pee on a stick is because, I don't want this to be over yet. Right now, there is the possibility that I could very well be PREGNANT. Getting a positive HPT would be so amazing and such a relief. And to get a negative HPT, would well....suck....a lot...like more than a lot....

Even though the 2ww is awful, I'm finding it hard to let it go. I kind of like the "could-be-pregnant-bliss" of it all. Monday is reality. Monday is the truth. Monday could be the happiest day for us. Monday could be a nightmare....

But it won't be, because I'm PREGNANT, right??? :) :)

I'm not even going to check the results until I get home from work on Monday. I know, I know, some of you are like "WHATTT?! Are you NUTS? How could you wait all day?" If it's not happy news, I won't be able to make it through the work day, so I am torturing myself with the wait...

I just want to thank you all for your advice and supportive comments. If I I could, I would totally invade the "3 ft of personal space" rule and give you each a hug :)

Double-baby shower at work today. I'm hoping their preggo vibes rubbed off on me, since I rubbed their bellies for twenty minutes straight. JK. About the rubbing of the bellies. :)

PS- don't forget to enter my giveaway! I'll be picking a winner from a hat on Saturday or Sunday.

Almost barfed.

7dp5dt

I get up to use the bathroom at least once during the night. Lately, since starting IVF I get up twice. Last night, on my first run I stood up from the bed and seriously thought I was going to throw up. I was so nauseous. And then this morning on the entire ride to work I thought I was going to have to do a "barf onto the passenger side floor mat" type deal. I envisioned myself getting to work and having to run into the bathroom. Thankfully that didn't happen. I didn't throw up at all and the nausea didn't return. I can't help but want to think this is a good sign. Although, I'm pretty sure it would be wayyyyy to early for me to be feeling "morning sickness."

The cramping wasn't so bad today. Although, I'm been feeling this weird twinge/ache on my left side. Sort of near the ovary area. This might be a dumb question but is it possible to have an ectopic pregnancy from IVF? If it's not baby-imbedding-business than I would guess it's a cyst? Who knows. My boobs don't hurt though. I keep waiting for that and it aint happening :(

I had a good cry last night. Had to get it out I guess. All these nerves and emotions building up and I just cried...and cried...

I want Monday to be a happy day so badly. I do not want to be crushed.

As for anyone wondering if I'm going to test at home before then (ahem...Marissa :)) I haven't decided yet....

Crap...now the cramps are back.

My friend Lauren suggested that the RE's office should pay for us all to have a 2 week vacation to the Caribbean during our 2ww's. What a freakin brilliant idea. After all the money we spend, they could throw in a vacation! So at least we can be on a beach... with our toes in the water...drinking a virgin pina colada... while still obsessing about everything! :)

The Hair Tie

Someone please tell me they had moderate-heavy cramping days after transfer or early on in their pregnancy??? I've heard from a lot of people who said they had cramping early on, but I'm not sure where I should gage the discomfort level of the cramps. Someone else's cramps early on could be wimpy compared to what I'm feeling or vice versa. So it's hard to feel comforted. Although, I do thank you all for trying :) During my first pregnancy when we didn't even know we were pregnant, I remember having cramps and thinking "Ok when am I going to start bleeding?!" But I can't remember if they felt like the ones I'm having now.

I was pretty uncomfortable all day. Yesterday the cramping wasn't so bad. It was light and on and off. Today, it was was a constant uncomfortable-ness. And even the Tylenol wasn't really helping. I am SO scared that it's my period :( But I just keep praying. All. Day. Long. Today I was feeling extra bloated too and I did something that I never thought I'd do "in public." I have gained some IVF weight, so my clothes are a little snuggier. Especially my jeans. Just two hours into my work day I couldn't stand the discomfort of the tightness of my waistband, so what did I do? The old hair tie trick. Which is pretty much disgusting, but it had to be done. I unbuttoned my jeans and looped a stretchy hair tie through the loop and over the button. Go ahead, laugh if you need to :) I had a long shirt on so you couldn't tell the difference. But I knew, and I was disgusted to think I was walking around work with my pants unbuttoned! When I find out I'm preggs on Monday (positive thinking!), I'm immediately going to start wearing maternity pants and that's that....

I do have some moments when I think I am "fo sho" pregnant :) And then other times..............................................not so much :( THIS 2WW IS AWFUL. It would just be even more devastating for me to get my period before beta day. Not sure why, because a no is a no. But for some reason I just want to make it through the weekend.

A friend of mine let me borrow the book "Heaven is for Real." I started reading it today and one sentence really stood out to me. I was praying last night and then I thought to myself "Does He really hear us all?" And a sentence from the book that jumped at me said something like " God hears all our prayers."

Thank you God for (hopefully) hearing (and answering) my prayers. Oh and thanks for hair ties and comfy leggings. Which is what I'll be wearing for the rest of the week :)

I love her.

As I was rushing out the door to work this morning, I quickly checked the mailbox. There were two bills and then an envelope from my Nana. I was in such a hurry that I didn't open anything and just put them on the passenger seat of my car. During my lunch break, I opened the letter from my Nana. It was short but so sweet. She just wanted to let us know how much she loves us and how she's praying for us. Enclosed in the letter was a check. A check for $225.00.....

Before I had even read the check, I was tearing up over her note. And then to see that my Nana (who is not wealthy!) send us a large sum of money like that just put me over the edge. I sat in my car and cried. It was just the sweetest, most generous act of kindness. And very much unexpected. She wanted to help out with our treatment expenses because she know's how expensive everything has been. I love her so much! It just really touched me. It was one of those moments where there's nothing to do but to cry and say "Thank you."

Last night was tough for me. I was cramping and started feeling really down. So upset that I took Tylenol and put myself to bed early. I didn't want to think about the cramps anymore. I didn't want to think about "What if it's my period?" So I ate dessert. Took Tylenol. Prayed really hard. Went to bed....

I'm still feeling some cramping on and off. But I'm also feeling some "weird" things. Like a tugging or heaviness in my belly. Some twinges here and there too. Although, I know these could be anything, I'm choosing to think they are baby related :) I feel like it's a longgggg time until Monday's beta. Each day is spent hoping and praying that I don't see blood every time I go to the bathroom. I literally say a prayer every time I step into the bathroom. I'm not sure yet if I'll test at home this weekend. Right now, I'm just taking it day by day and hoping for the best...

FYI.

FYI, there will be more posts like this to come during this 2ww :)

Cramps. I have cramps. And a part of me wants to think " YES! The baby(ies) are implanting...woo-hoo!"

And there's the other part of me that immediately wants to cry thinking it's AF coming :( I know progesterone usually delays AF anyways, but there have been a few times where AF has been such a bitch to me and has shown up....early...and while I was on progesterone! So I feel like I cannot confidently rule out AF right now. Anyone else have cramps 3-4 days after transfer????

I want to call the doctor tomorrow, but I know they will just try and fill me with hope saying " It could be implantation!" Because they can't tell me it's not AF, for sure. So why bother calling.

I've been googling the shit out of "cramping after transfer." And it really doesn't leave me feeling any better. And I've been having some back pain tonight...

Oh, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee let it be implantation :(

Need. Success. Stories. Please.

Ok, so it's starting to kick in. The back and forth "This is going to WORK!!!" to "Sorry, silly girl, not this time." Believe me, I have been doing my best to stay positive and I'm actually more relaxed with this two week wait than any other one before. Yet, those thoughts can't help but creep in from time to time.

So, what I need from you girls is first time IVF success stories!!! Please share with me?? :) Even if you know of someone or have a link to someone's blog that you wouldn't mind sharing. I just need a boat load of first time IVF success stories to boost my spirits here! I'm also wondering what my chances are that with having put three back that at least ONE will stick. The doctor said there is less than a 5% chance that all three would stick. But I mean is there a really good chance, with having put three back will get at least one??

I'm 32, we've been pregnant before (even though it resulted in miscarriage), Matt's sperm is great, my lab numbers from this IVF cycle have been great. You'd think the chances for this to work would be pretty good, right?? I'd like to think everything is on our side here. But there's no way to really know that for sure.

So, any success stories would be greatly appreciated. Don't forget to enter my giveaway :)

ps- We watched "Bridesmaids" last night. Absolutely hilarious. We were both in tears and couldn't breathe because we were laughing so hard! If you're in need of a good laugh, rent it! :)

My First Giveaway!

Come onnnnn, you know ya wanna enter :)

Who doesn't love a little inspirational pick-me-up? I'm giving away these two lovely items to one lucky blogger...

To enter, answer these two questions:

1) Come up with a name for a new fertility drug and it's side effects. The funnier the better.

2) Name one thing that you hate that infertility has taken from you (besides your fertility!) and name one thing infertility has given you...

Next Saturday, I'll gather all the entries and go old school by picking one out of a hat...

Have fun with it and good luck :)

No pool for YOU.

When leaving the transfer yesterday, the nurse told us to do things that make us happy in the next coming days to keep our positivity up. In the summer, one of my favorite things to do is to lay on a float in my mom's pool. I love the beach, I love the sun, I love laying in pools! So pretty much every weekend during the summer I'm at my mom's house at some point trying to catch some rays on this whiter than white body. And it's just so relaxing, floating on the water, with the sun coming down, looking up into the blue sky....ahhhhh.....

BUT, the nurse told me there will be no pool time for me in the next 11 days. Don't get me wrong, I will most definitely follow orders in the chances that this works! But oooooh it really does hurt. Especially, because the pool is like my zen place on the weekends and it's something I love to do. I kind of don't understand the pool thing though. Are they afraid of chlorine getting up into my uterus? I get the point of no hot baths or hot tubs...but a pool? Hmmm. Oh well. I've accepted it and now I'm moving on. Just had to share my thoughts.

I found a web site that lists what (is supposed to happen) on the days following a 5 day transfer. Thought it was pretty cool....

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Pass the tissues.

Ok, so I'm chalking this up to crazy post-transfer emotions, but did anyone see Oprah today? Of course, it was a re-run but I hadn't seen it before. Let me just paint a lil pic for ya....

I had the tv on mute because I was on the phone and then I was typing away on the computer. I didn't even realize Oprah was on. When I realized the tv was on mute (I always need some kind of background noise, weird I know) I turned the sound on and was kind of excited that Oprah was on. She was in middle of a story about a young couple who lost their three young children in a tragic car accident. It was so unbelievably sad. And I was getting choked up hearing the story. Oprah went to commercial saying "You aren't going to believe this miracle that happened...coming up." Turns out, the couple did IVF about a year after the loss of their children and had TRIPLETS! Two girls and a boy. The children they lost were two girls and a boy. Unbelievable. I'm not gonna lie, I was crying my eyes out. Crying HARD...like can't see anything...glasses fogging up...that kind of cry...

I watched "Tangled" today while I was resting (AKA letting babes settling in). We couldn't find "Bridesmaids" on demand, I don't think it's available yet. I've wanted to see "Tangled" for awhile now. I do love me some Disney movies :) But I found myself crying HARD again at the when Rapunzel is reunited with her parents! It's a freakin animated movie and I was a blubbering mess....

Feeling a little crampy. Hoping these next 11 days go by quickly, with very little tears and tissues :)

PUPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who are like "What the hell does PUPO mean?" It means I am "Pregnant Unless Proven Otherwise." :)

Transfer went great! Although only 6 of our little guys (or girls) made it to transfer. And I know you are all dying to know how many we put back.....

We have three possible babies on board!!!! HFS!!! After a lot of thinking and discussing, this was the decision we needed to make for us....

Please God, I hope some decide to stick around :) Beta is on August 22nd! We have a picture too! Which I might try to load on here later. For now I'm going to eat a big breakfast and not leave the couch. Maybe watch "Bridemaids" (because we heard it's hilarious) :) I'll fit in "Baby Mama" sometime today too, because I absolutely love that movie and it seems fitting for today :)

My husband and I thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for all the support! I've received so many emails, texts, and comments over the past few days! And I apologize if I havent gotten back to you yet. Just know your thoughts and prayers, bring tears to my eyes. And this is not just the valium talking :)

Please, babies..set up shop :)

Scared.

Tomorrow we are scheduled for our transfer! And so many emotions are rolling around. I'm scared. Mostly because today I had bad cramps that feel like severe period cramps and I noticed the teeniest drop of blood. I'm so scared that AF has decided to show up early. Tomorrow will be CD23 for me. Sometimes I have a 28 day cycle and sometimes it's a lot longer than that. So all we are hoping is that AF stays the hell away so that we can make it to transfer tomorrow! And we hoping we have some good embabies to work with...

I'm definitely going to be doing A LOT of praying tonight :) Thank you all so much for your support through this! I will update tomorrow when we get home! "We" as in our growing little family...

Apparently, 12 wasn't enough...

I called the RE's office today to check on our embabies. They put me on hold and then the embryologist chick got on the phone. She said she had peeked on them this morning and that all 14 were dividing. Ummm, what?? 14?

I said to her "14? They told us on Sunday that 12 had fertilized." She then went on to explain that sometimes there are a few late bloomers. FOURTEEN!! :) I then kept asking her (over and over it seemed) if they were dividing properly and that if she thought they'd make it to a day 5 transfer. She said "Yeah." Which I was happy to hear, but her lack of enthusiam kind of ticked me off :) She said that some were starting to fragment (which is good I guess?) and that some haven't yet. So as much as I was glad to hear the good news in it all, I'm not exactly jumping for joy yet. I still have a fear that we won't end up with any good ones for Thursday. I am fearful that we will show up on Thursday morning and I'll be sitting on the table in a gown and the dr will come in and say "Ooops, sorry. None of them made it. Thanksforcominghaveagoodday."

I know, I know, I have to think positive! As happy as we are with the news we've gotten over the last week, it still hasn't been easy. I'm still really crampy and now I think (TMI warning) that Im constipated from the anesthesia. My stomach is constantly aching. And it's no fun at all. Anyone else have these problems after a retrieval? Also, do tranfers hurt? I think they said they will give me valium. But will it be painful? Or just like an IUI?

Thanks for all your comments and support on my last post. This decision isn't an easy one, but we think we know what we're going to do. We have to do what we think is best for us and hope for the best...

1,2,3...What's it gonna be?

So, I have been feeling like crap. I thought the cramping was getting better, but then last night after my anti-biotic, my progesterone and estrace...I was in really bad shape! I couldn't get comfortable or fall asleep. I just felt so sick. So around 1:30 am, I got out of bed...made box macaroni and cheese (Yes, so insane! But I think steroids and hormones are making me have the appetite of a 500 pound man!) and sat in the living room with the heating pad on high. I didnt even get to sleep until 3am. I took today off from work. I talked to the RE and the cramping is normal as long as I dont have a high fever or if Im gaining more than 3 pounds a day? I think the anti-biotic and the progesterone are really making it worse! Does Crinone upset anyone else's stomach? And I know anti-biotics can do some damage in the belly department. But oh boy, am I looking forward to feeling better! I'm just on a long list of meds right now and I think it's all catching up to me.

The nurse called to schedule my transfer for Thursday morning at 9. She said that they would be peeking at the embabies tomorrow and that I could definitely call to see how they are doing. I'm going to pray so hard tonight that they are growing and dividing!!! It would make me so happy to hear that :) Is it weird that I kind of miss our embabies? I keep thinking of them in the lab at the RE's office and I just want to go to them :)

Over the past few days (well, weeks) my husband and I have been talking about how many embabies we would put back. This is such a tough decision. And everyone and their grandmother seems to have an opinion about it. We've always known for sure that we would put AT LEAST two back if we did IVF. But after lots of thinking and weighing the pros/cons...we are thinking of putting 3 back. Was that a gasp I heard??? I think people in this IF community will understand our decision more so than our friends/family in real life. Many people think that by putting 3 back we are definitely going to get 3. But that's not quite how it works. Sure, we know that there is the possibility that if we put 3 back...3 could stick! But there is also the chance that NONE will stick...or just 1 or two...or the most riskiest, 3! We get it. We know it's risky. We know that financially we would be really hurting with 3. But honestly, this whole process is a risk. And we don't want to put two back and have none of them stick and then regret not putting the 3rd one in that may have worked!! It's such a crapshoot. No one can see the future. If someone could tell me " Oh just put two back, it will work and you'll live happily ever after" then we would. But no one can tell us that. We could get all or nothing. And we are well aware of that. I just don't think emotionally and financially we could do IVF again, if this fails. So we have decided to give it our all and hope for the best. I'm not looking to start a new TLC show "Sarah & Matt Plus (fill in the number)." We just want a family...

Cheaper by the Dozen

The doctor himself called me this morning with the fertilization report. Which at first made me nervous, because I was expecting a nurse and I thought "Ohhh no this can't be good if the doctor is calling." But to my surprise it was good news!!!

Out of the 16 eggs they retrieved yesterday, 15 were mature and 12 fertilized!!!! So as of right now we have 12 babies growing!!! He said he thinks they are going to doing a 5 day transfer on Thursday. I asked him when we would be updated again on how they were growing and he said they normally don't call again unless something goes wrong. Which I thought was strange, but he said if I'm worried I can call again on Tuesday to check on them. And you totally know I'M GOING TO CALL :) We are so happy with these numbers and we are hoping that at least 6 make it to transfer so we can put some back and freeze a few.

Still feeling pretty crappy, but it's all worth it!!!

Grow babies grow!!!

Sweet 16

They retrieved 16 eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy! :) But in quite a bit of pain. Will blog more later, but for now I am going to eat and then sleep with a heating pad!!

Night night. Thanks for all the love!

Merry Egg Retrieval Eve

My friend Lauren just texted me a good luck message saying "Merry Egg Retrieval Eve!" And I thought it was so cute, so I stole it for my post title :)

It's go time, people. And I am terrified and excited all in one. I get to sport my retrieval socks tomorrow :)

Last night, I came upon another amazing sign.

Sunday (August 7th) they are going to be calling us with our fertilization report. I realized last night that this date is so significant. Our due date for the baby we lost was August 7th. If the baby had come on the exact due date, we would be having a first birthday party on Sunday. It makes me sad that we aren't but at the same time I think it's so cool that we will get our fertilization report that day :) I hope it's a sign!!

I've been feeling like crap all day. Crampy and super bloated and I feel like I was waddling around work all day!! Thank you all for your lovin' and support!! I'll update as soon as I can tomorrow with the egg count...

HFS. This is really happening.

My Fears

I feel like I just need to type my fears out. Because there are quite a few of them running around my head right now. And here they are in bullet form...

• I'm terrified that after my trigger tonight, I'm going to get OHSS. I'm already soooo uncomfortable and crampy.
• I'm freaking out that I'm going to ovulate before my retrieval on Saturday. Please stay put eggs!
• I'm afraid of waking up in the middle of the retrieval and feeling everything!! I want to be OUT. Completely OUT.
• I'm so nervous that they won't get enough eggs.
• I'm also nervous that none of the eggs will fertilize.
• And my biggest and most realistic fear? That eggs will fertilize but they won't divide enough to even make it to transfer.

And there you have it girls, my fears.

My appointment this morning went well. Eggs are blown up, est levels are my highest ever, lining nice and thick!!! The perfect recipe for a baby. I'm just so scared that because everything has gone well so far, that we are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Ugh, the life of an infertile girl.

However, now that I got my fears out on paper (screen), I'm going to be excited and hopeful and think positive!!!!! :) This has to work...

Saturday's breakfast menu? Eggs.

Well, it looks like my retrieval is going to be on Saturday. I was really hoping for Friday so I'd have the whole weekend to recover, but I do want the timing to be right, so wait I will....

Things are looking great in the egg department! I think she said I have 12 measurable with a few other smaller ones that could still be retrieved. My lining is at 11!! She said it looks like a great home for babies :) I checked my lab results when I got home and my est is the highest it's ever been! Tonight, I had to continue with meds and then tomorrow will be the trigger. I have to go back for an appt in the morning! I've never had to do a back-to-back appt. Our poor wallet. Literally.

I'm happy things seem to be moving along, just the way they should be. Maybe a little slower than I had hoped, but all we care about is a BFP in the end. Then it won't matter if it took 4 years or 14 days....

Just sayin'

When I have a baby (ies) I am going to order from the online store Zulily. The ads for Zulily haunt me everyday and all day blowing up my facebook and yahoo with ads. And their stuff looks super freakin cute. So I'm going to order a truckload of products from them, which I'm sure was part of their master plan all along. Just sayin....

I'm considering opening a clothing store for infertiles. It would sell stylish clothing but with a little more "room" to grow. Similar to Maternity, but the sizes would be labeled as so: "Injection bloat," Muffin top from emotional overeating," "Bruised stomach," and so on and so forth. You get the idea. It would be lovely. Just sayin...

I am so grateful for my true friends. There is no way I could get through these days, without the outpouring of love and support I receive on a daily basis from my true friends. "Friendship isn't a big thing--it's a million little things." Love that quote. This infertility journey really shows who your true friends are. Just sayin...

Tomorrow is my appointment. I'm hoping for bigger and better news! I'm praying for a Friday retrieval, so I'll have the whole weekend to recover from it!! Wish me luck! :)

Quickie

This is going to be a quick update about my appt today because...

It's the THREE hour finale of The Bachelorette tonight. Yes, I'm one of those people who actually watch it every season :)

Three hours is WAY too long though if you ask me!

Anyways, my appointment today went pretty well! Last night my husband called the on-call nurse because I was having A LOT of cramping and was really nervous about taking my shot. Everything turned out fine though, I took the shot along with some extra strength tylenol and the nurse calmed our nerves a bit! The follicles are getting bigger, my lining is excellent and my est like tripled! So I'm getting there. They are now thinking Wednesday trigger with Friday retrieval!!! I'm really hoping Im ready by wednesday morning's appt!! I just want this to be over! They said at the latest Saturday morning for retrieval, but I have a feeling it will be Friday. I'm almost there!

Thanks for all your comments and support :) I heart you all.

And for any Bachelorette watchers....GO JP!!! :)