Thursday, August 25, 2011

Beta Hell

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. They really did calm me down a bit! It's still pretty crappy being in "beta hell", however, I am doing okay. I have my moments where the scary fears show up and it's all I can think about. But then there are moments where I REFUSE to let them in and I am back to being a happy pregnant girl and daydreaming about what's to come! All we can do is pray that Monday's beta and u/s bring us wonderful news.

I peed on a stick this morning. It went well :)

I did something today that I probably shouldn't have. I called my old OB's office to find out my old beta numbers. Right before we miscarried in 2009, we had two visits with her. And two betas. I never found out what those numbers were, and I really wanted to compare them to the beta's I got this week. I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday (total surprise), then started spotting that following Tuesday, had an "emergency" appt on Wednesday where they took blood (Beta 897) and found one sac with nothing in it "yet." Then I had a blood work again that Friday (Beta 414). They called and told me it was over. I miscarried the following day. I was really shocked to hear today that my first beta with them was 897. Compared to my 142.6 this time. They had measured the sac at 4wks 2days. But I'm thinking my beta was so high because I had been pregnant longer, but the sac had stopped developing? I know beta numbers can vary with each pregnancy. But I was a little blown away with the 897.

I know I wasn't going to talk about my fears. But I think my biggest fear is that God will do this to us again. That this could end badly. I'm mad that I even have to have this fear! We are just praying so hard that one healthy baby is still going strong!! I pray all day every day. I bargain with God. I'm trying so hard to be strong, and stop stressing and think positive! But it's almost like someone telling you to "keep breathing, but plug your nose and close your mouth."

Now that I vented a bit. Here's what I really believe (or want to believe). I'm choosing to believe that my slow rising beta is just that, slow. That by Monday it will have hit four digits at least. I'm choosing to believe that we do have at least one still going strong! And that he or she is a little fighter and wants us just as much as we want him/her. I'm choosing to believe my body is doing what it's supposed to in order to grow this baby. I'm choosing to believe that lightening won't strike us twice :( And I'm choosing to believe that since there's a going to be a full moon on Monday (I think) that some magic will happen :)

Kindaaaa a little scared about this approaching hurricane. This is first time we are considering running out and buying survival supplies. As in flashlights, candles and food to feed a preggo if we are without electricity. Although, I do prefer my pickles super cold.

I have been really tired. In fact, I may go to bed right now. Please forgive me for lacking in the commenting department. I will catch up soon!






14 comments:

Moe said...

I would be doing the same back and forth between worried/hopeful too. I hope that you're able to have more peace between now and Monday - and that of course Monday brings more fabulous news! :)

Liz said...

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. This type of worry is not fair and noone should have to feel this way. Try and enjoy your weekend as best as you can. It is so hard not to worry about something this big.

Andria said...

I don't think you should ever have to apologize for how you're feeling. Experience has taught you to be wary right now. Only the very foolish don't take past experience into consideration.

Having said that, I've always found comfort in a line I read once in the Desiderata. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars and whether it is clear to you at this time, the universe is unfolding as it should." That one line has helped me through innumerable things in my life.
Faith is the believe in things unseen. Perhaps trying to focus on your faith right now will help you get through this horrible time.

Emily said...

I pray that you are able to find some peace this weekend, and that your bean sticks in place and continues to grow!

Hugs to you

Marissa said...

Sarah...I think we're conditioned into this "higher is better" mentality. Every woman is different, and every *pregnancy* for every woman is different. I don't know if you're a member of any online support boards or anything like that, but you can find COUNTLESS stories of very low original betas that ended happily, betas with doubling times of 100+ hours that ended happily, etc.

And, the other truth is, very, VERY high hCG can be an indicator that things are not right. If you are certain of conception, it can point to molar pregnancy or trisomies. (It is, in fact, part of the bloodwork done in the triple or quad screening tests often done in conjunction with the NT scan.) So while it's totally possible you were further along than you assumed (and than your sac measured), it's also possible that, well, you weren't.

I don't know if that is comforting or not.

Betas really don't tell you much--that's what the ultrasound is for!!

*hugs* Hang in there...

Babydreams2011 said...

OK let me play devils advocate here. First, you can't compare your betas from last time to this time unless you transferred the SAME embryos, otherwise it's apples and oranges, ya know? Like Day 5 vs Day 3 or 8 cell vs 12 cell, etc. Grade and everything would have to be the same.. So with that said, disregard those old betas! I am curious as to why they are doing your u/s so early. I want to tell you now DONT PANIC if they don't see anything. I was always told unless your beta is over 1500-2000 that you can not see anything really on u/s. So please read that part several times so you don't panic if they don't see much ok? I am praying for you and I am expecting to hear good news! All the best sweetie! Tonya

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,
I've been following your blog. I am going through the same thing. I am one beta ahead of you. Mine were 126, 220, 288. My re is doing an u/s tomorrow. Check out misdiagnosed miscarriage.com. It has many stories of slow rising beta with successful pregnancy. Hope it will go well for you on mon. Will be saying an extra prayer for both of us. Sending baby dust your way.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog and am very excited for you! Just to add hope and faith and ease your mind....our first IVF our beta was over 500 then went to almost 1500 before the U/S! All our dr.s and friends in the "know" said to prepare for multiples with that high of a number. We had one beautiful heartbeat at the 6 week u/s that resulted in our gorgeous, happy, now 2 1/2 year old son. Our 2nd IVF we had a beta of under 200 then under 500 for the 2nd one. Based on our experience we were so glad to have that and excited to welcome a 3rd child to our family. We were completely stunned and blown away at 6 weeks u/s to see TWO sacs and TWO heartbeats. TWINS. OMG! Unfortunately we lost one of them before 9 weeks but our smiley daughter was born 5 months ago. SO...you never now with the numbers. Rising and getting higher is all you need. I will be thinking about you over the weekend and wishing continued settling in for your little bean.

cgd said...

thinking of you and praying that things are ok... hang in there....

Faith said...

Hey Girl, hang in there! I wish I could take away this anxiety, but I know I can't. To answer your questions: those 2 numbers I gave you were my first 2 betas - 514 and 547. And my first one was at 4 weeks exactly (found out I was pregnant and ran to the dr THAT day, lol!) and then the next one was 2 days later. Numbers REALLY are not that indicative of what is going on. I don't know if I should tell you this....but let me just say I had MUCH better numbers, doubling and everything and had different outcomes before....so I say this to say, your numbers say you ARE pregnant and your baby IS growing - so let that be ALL you need to settle into this pregnancy:). It's SO hard to trust everything will be ok - but I like that option rather than the other choice which is to be sick with anxiety all the time. (((HUGS))) to you - I know how excruciating this waiting is!!!!!

Good Timing said...

That's just what it is: beta hell. There's a reason people have coined that term. I almost wish they would just give us one number and we could know we are pregnant and that is it! I also wish we could be like normal fertile pregnant women and not know every single little detail and naivety. It is a curse that the one thing we want for for so long and so desperately, we don't even get to enjoy with bliss and ignorance. I am continuing to hope and pray that everything will be just fine for you!!! xoxo

Babydreams2011 said...

4wk6d today :) So Monday at 5wk2d you will more than likely only see sac and perhaps fetal pole or yolk, so just don't worry if that's all that is seen ok?

ADSchill said...

It's got to be so hard. I have had a scare myself and it really affected me. Now I just wait for every appointment in the hopes of hearing the heartbeats.

I think you will be A-okay. Plus! Being super tired is my MAIN symptom of being preggo!

Babydreams2011 said...

Hey girlie- retrieval day is 2 wks already so just add the current # of days/weeks that have passed to that and tah dah! ;)Monday is 5wk 2d.. Hang in there! xoxo! ANYTIME you have a question you know where to find me :)